• ARRSE have partnered with Armadillo Merino to bring you an ARRSE exclusive, generous discount offer on their full price range.
    To keep you warm with the best of Merino gear, visit www.armadillomerino.co.uk and use the code: NEWARRSE40 at the checkout to get 40% off!
    This superb deal has been generously offered to us by Armadillo Merino and is valid until midnight on the the 28th of February.

New Religion

#1
Just read about that Hendy-Freegard Walt spook persuading people to do all kinds of silly things. On a similar note, I've often thought about starting a religious cult, just to see what kind of silly sh1t people will believe and do if I make it sound plausible.

Not deing particularly religious would, I think, ordinarily be something of a disadvantage when it comes to devising religious doctrine, rules and practices. Fortunately, I do have my wonderful comrades at Arrse. So my question is this- what would you introduce to the poor, weak-minded dupes you recruit for your church, just for sh1ts and giggles?
 
#4
Been done already..

Science Fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard announced he was going to make himself rich creating a religion, went out and did it and attracted thousands of gullible types to his new 'church '

he called it Scientology and claimed it was ' revealed ' to him by aliens...

personally I worship Aluminum...
 
#6
Rocketeer said:
Been done already..

Science Fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard announced he was going to make himself rich creating a religion, went out and did it and attracted thousands of gullible types to his new 'church '

he called it Scientology and claimed it was ' revealed ' to him by aliens...

personally I worship Aluminum...
Mate, I live in Los Angeles(ex-pat, not Spam), I have heard of him. The ironic thing was he actually came up with idea while serving in the army.
He seemed to do awfully well for himself (before he popped his cloggs/ was beamed up to the mothership etc.) and thought I might do the same. One essential difference is that, by all accounts, L Ron was truly barking whereas I'm on the make and am doing it for the cash and the craic. I can't help but look at that tw@t, Tom Cruise, and dream of the possibilities.

I agree however, that the 'aliens' thing has been done, and to be honest I'm not too keen on the whole apocalyptic cult thing which may, or may not, involve a 90 day stand off with the law enforcement community either. It might hurt the profits somewhat and CS gas at dawn will definitely cut down on the fun factor.
 
#7
What about the tithing though? I believe I may be able to assist in collecting it should you get this up and running. I don't mind if it comes in American dollars. Percunia non olet as the Emporer said.
 
#8
BronzeWhaler said:
What about the tithing though? I believe I may be able to assist in collecting it should you get this up and running. I don't mind if it comes in American dollars. Percunia non olet as the Emporer said.
Not too sure about tithing, but the Mormons seem to make it work for them. The Scientologists reportedly have a much more effective method though, namely locking someone in a room and subjecting them to mental and emotional abuse until they agree to sign over their life savings. Crude, I'll grant you, but a lot less paperwork. I'm also quite fond of the Kabbalah method of selling pieces of red string for $50 and a bottle of tap water for $7.50. A lot more legwork is involved, but you get a giggle from selling idiots unraveled Christmas sweaters chopped into little bits.

I'm thinking of selling freeze-dried iguana turds at a ton a pop to ward off evil spirits. Does anyone know where I can get an iguana? I figure my mate's chest freezer will do for the rest of the process- no need to trouble him with the details though.
 
#9
The Scientology path sounds a bit like how we used to get uncoerced admissions and voluntary confessions when I was in the..but I digress. Do they use a phone book as well? Well if kicks off bags eye being the padre fiscal.
As foir the iguana surely in LaLaLand any pet shop would have iguanas-probably just past the shaved gerbils.
Not being religous is no bar to being the head honcho in any G-d bothering banderbash. Have a look at the Church of England for one example
I am sure that with the right kind of spirit within you it shouldn't be hard to conjure up some sort of credible (or credible enuff for our Spam brothers and sisters) theology. I take it you have the thread of Lairdx's regarding his becoming an Onanist . Perhaps you could find that helpful.
Anyway let us know how you get on particularly if there is a lazy dollar in it. 8)
 
#11
Oops. My mistake. He was a naval officer and apparently later developed a reputation for Walting. I guess bobbing about on those floating sperm banks for months at a time would drive you a bit loopy.
 
#12
Ah yes the Scientologist (aka Wack-a-dos) have there "homebase" next town over Clearwater Fl.

Odd bunch run around in uniforms looking much like Coastie cadets. Own damn near the whole downtown, and serious depriving the city of taxes since their are by law considered a religion.

Many famous hollywood and otherwise elite have signed up to this non-sense; Lisa-Marie Presley, John Travolta, Kirsty Allie, Issac Hayes, and yes even that wack job Tom Cruise.

Year ago when it was a up and coming fad, and before they took over the entire downtown area, we used to go cruising and beat the pish out of them. Was great fun drive by in a pick up or car and smack them round the head with broom sticks and the such :D
 
#14
Floating sperm banks? I refuse to bite!

Satanism was started by a fruitloop in 1967 by Anton LeVey I believe. And we've got our first Satanist in the Navy. And he's an attention seeking cnut.
 
#15
I've already started my own Religion ... I made 'Goku' a Later-day-Saint just the other day! (At least I think it was him)

(FYI: He wanted to be Saint of 'Big Chested Women' - heaven knows why...he's into boys isn't he!?!)

Anyone else want to be a Saint? (Lovely, Get em while they're hot.....)
 
#16
You need to have a book of scriptures describing why you are the Holy one, throw in a few miracles, mix it with some already existing text and Bob’s your uncle!

Example – (To be read in booming voice)

In the beginning there was nothing, then God created heaven and Earth, Light and Dark. Crabtastic and mortals.
In the darkness of war and political corruption God sent us the one and only saviour, Crabtastic was his name, and low he was great and wise.
He fell to Earth from the back of a Hercules, pushed by the hand of God. He fell for miles before landing in the muddy field of no mans land. Praise be upon him. He doth picked him self up from the mud, unhurt and lit a Benny Hedges and looked at the chaos around him. Praise be upon him.
/From this Chaos he advanced forward and closed with the enemy, who on seeing his holiness they did opened fire with their boom sticks and sent hot lead towards him. Praise on the lord who intervined and did not allow the Saviour Crabtastic from getting some extra holes in him.
On Seeing this miracle the enemy fell to their knees and did pray. Gracious be the Lord. This be the tale of how the war was won. Amen.

Miricals …...
The one and only saviour, Crabtastic, walked through the streets of town. Wandering through the poor and unclean. Smitting those who hide from God beneath the Satanic Hoodie. Praise be upon him.
And in his wandering he doth entered the Night Club where mutton was indeed dressed as lamb.
Crabtastic in his glory gave sermon at the bar and turned wine into water. Praise be upon him.
Crabtastic, in all his glory was set upon by a swamp donkey wishing to be loved for 5 minutes (including post shag smoke). He doth laid his hands upon her and bicth slapped her away. The Swamp Donkey saw holy stars and when she came to she was beautiful. Gone was her ugliness along with her handbag and monies. Crabtastic works in mysterious ways. Amen.
 
#17
(Booming Voice Starts)

Nah, mate, it all changed after the 'Strategic Christian Review'....I was all for them collecting a few crisp packet tokens etc etc....show a bit of commitment like....

....but HE (...not Tony pony Blair) decided that we would unfairly alienate the non-crisp eating world and that we should give a few to the mongs just to show "how we live amongst the common people"

The Book of Scriptures is old skool mate....its like, soooooo 'ZX Spectrum'

Bless You (Booming Voice Ends )
 
#18
Rocketeer said:
Been done already..

Science Fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard announced he was going to make himself rich creating a religion, went out and did it and attracted thousands of gullible types to his new 'church '

he called it Scientology and claimed it was ' revealed ' to him by aliens...

personally I worship Aluminum...
I have not so much as created a new religion as revived an old one. Odinism the religion of the Anglo-Saxons. Mainly for tax reasons. If you are interested see previous threads. I am still locking drinking horns with local councillors over this one.
 
#19
Odinism.........'onanism' surely?

I quote:

Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, "Give me masturbation or give me death." Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion." In another place this experienced observer has said, "There are times when I prefer it to sodomy."
 
#20
crabtastic said:
L Ron was truly barking whereas I'm on the make and am doing it for the cash
Whether or not he was truly barking his creation of Scientology certainly didn't leave him on the dole queue.
 

Latest Threads