NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by Murielson, Dec 2, 2004.

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  1. For the ladies from Mrs M:

    NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

    ALL ARE WELCOME

    OPEN TO MEN ONLY

    Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

    sign up early and get a discount on registration

    The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

    DAY ONE

    HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
    Step by step guide with slide presentation

    TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
    Roundtable discussion

    DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
    Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

    DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
    Debate among a panel of experts.

    LOSS OF VIRILITY
    Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

    LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
    Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


    DAY TWO

    EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
    Group discussion and role play

    HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
    PowerPoint presentation

    REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
    Real life testimonial from the one man who did

    IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
    Driving simulation

    LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
    Online class and role playing

    HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
    Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

    REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
    Bring your calendar or PDA to class

    GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
    Individual counsellors available
     
  2. DICTIONARY FOR ARGUING WITH WOMEN

    1. "Fine" This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "Fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

    2. "Five minutes" This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

    3. "Nothing" "Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

    4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a" Five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

    5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

    6. "Loud Sigh" This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

    7. "Soft Sigh" Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

    8. "Oh" This word-followed by any statement-is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night”. If she says "Oh" before a statement, run; do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.

    9. "That's Okay" This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

    10. "Please Do" This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

    11. "Thanks" The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say; "you're welcome."

    12. "Thanks A Lot" Dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say; "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you "Nothing."
     
  3. "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
    --- P.J O'Rourke (1989)
     
  4. "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't
    help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
    ---Jay Leno

    "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
    --David Letterman


    REPLACEMENTS FOR THE
    FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
    "Runaway" by Del Shannon,
    "Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers,
    "Everybody's Somebody's" Fool by Connie Francis,
    "Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,
    "I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards,
    "Surrender" by Elvis Presley,
    "Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons,
    "Live and Let Die" by Wings,
    "I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond,
    "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers,
    "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
    "Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi