The Football Association today proudly unveiled Total, fcuk and UPS as the new sponsors of the England football team. The combination of these three corporate giants perfectly captures the ethos of the England side, said an FA spokesman. After all, they had nothing in the tank when it counted, and theyve proved themselves to be a bunch of expensive posers who always fail to deliver. The new shirts come in a range of bright easy to spot colours after claims from England players that the old kit was painted in magic invisible ink which made it impossible to pick out an easy and obvious pass to a team mate. The new shirts are also made of a super lightweight material, unlike the old tops which were apparently made of extra-heavy chain mail which left the Premiership stars lumbering around looking exhausted and unfit. However, one criticism has been made of the design of the new England kit with claims that the neck hole was inexplicably too small for the heads of the Premiership stars. Players say this will make it very hard to pull the shirt off during an over-exuberant goal celebration, but a spokesman for the manufacturers said we dont envisage this being a problem.