New Converts to Catholicism - Your Confessions.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by MrShanklysboots, Mar 14, 2008.

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  1. Yes

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  3. Can I just have a tug whilst I think about it?

  1. Given Murphy_Slaw's excellent suggestion here

    I have started this thread - Murphy's Confessional box so to speak.

    I know there have been many confessional threads but this one relates to new converts to Catholicism. Thoise of us who need the Get out of Jail free card just before we pop off to see Saint Peter.

    So. Get in the box, pull back the Curtain and Confess all to Padre Arrse. Your sins will be absolved and you will receive Arrsolution - in exchange for a sliding scale of Arrse Penitence "Fines". The expression of penitence should be decided by the next poster, together with a nice new juicy sin.

    Some expressions of Arrse Penitence?

    I would suggest Mong Poking, Violent Tourettes outbursts and Nun Molesting, but thats just me.

    Allow me to begin.

    Forgive me Arrse for I have sinned.

    As a new convert to Catholicism it has been 38 Years since my last confession.

    Last night I laughed at one of those "See the Person, not the disability" employment ads. As a matter of fact I laughed so hard I dribbled wee.

    It was the one with the oversized tongued Moonhead trying to get employed. I nearly shat when she dribbled "Fankyoo vewy much" at the end of it.

    I know I am evil and would like very much not to burn.

    Yrs very Sincerely

    Heed the Mongpoker.
  2. Forgive me Arrse for I have sinned.

    As a new convert to Catholicism I have never confessed.

    I lied to Britain for 10 years and then fooked off to a high paid job leaving the electorate with a one eyed dimwit.

    There's no need to give me absolution or anything like that, because in a few years I intend to be leader of the Catholic church and European president.

    Cheers loosers

    Love Tony.
  3. Forgive me Arrse for I have sinned.

    As a new convert to Catholicism it has been 37 Years since my last confession.

    I was the person who shot my next door neighbours head light out with an air rifle when he kept parking over my drive way.

    I was the one who shagged the flid with short arms in Bad Peirmont disco (Germany) in 1990 then nicked her dads BBQ for our block party.

    I was the one who shat on the pillow of a DS in Barry Budden camp when he came back pi**ed and had a go at my oppo, then bumped into him again at Warcop and agreed what a knacker my mate was for shatting on pillows and if he ever got hold of him he would kill him.
  4. Forgive me ARRSE for I have sinned.

    I've been doing this Catholic thing for a while, so am pretty up to speed on my confessions, but during the 1940s I did rather prefer the rather striking uniform of the Hitler Youth to any of those gay religious robes the bloody Christians wore.

    Of course, everyone in my village was doing it at the time, so it wasn't like anything special (except that Goldsmith family who ran the jewellers, who disappeared, oh and those gypsies too).

    Anyroad up, I think I deserve forgiveness, because I have left any extremist & repressive views I had long behind me.
  5. Forgive me ARRSE for I have sinned.

    As a good Catholic boy, my last confession was at Mass on Sunday.

    I did exactly the same thing Stokey. My more pressing confession however is that when asked by a friend how he should go about getting ex-communicated from the Church, I advised him to p1ss in the font and sh1t on the altar.

    In my defence, it worked.
  6. Is that you, Holy Father?
  7. Forgive me Arrse for I have sinned.

    I was the one who pulled a Swamp Donkey in Abergevenny and asked for a lift back to Brecon the next mornig. Her car Kangaroo'd all the way back to camp and cut out completely at the main gate.
    The promises that I made to fix her car when got to camp weren't entirely true nor were the promises of meeting her again that night....alas the mobile phone number I gave her wasn't 'entirely' accurate. But I think she gathered all this when I left her passenger door open as I ran into Stirling Lines, hard targetting my way back to the block.
  8. Who's fecking asking?

    Someone tell those Swiss blokes in skirts to do something useful for a change, rather than mincing about for the tourists, and get this cnut out of here. I need a bit of peace and quiet if I'm ever going to fuse this human embryo with this narwhal egg.

    Plus, has anyone got any johnnies? I'm off down town later.
  9. I've changed it to the old Bronson film, just for you
  10. Bless me ARRSE for I have sinned, Errm is there a list with your Tariff for Dont Do,s, I just wanna be sure I dont fess up and get over Penanced, you know whaty its like in this Country, Amen!
  11. Oh by the way Father ARRSE, its been 48 years since my last Fess Sesh, AMEN!.
  12. Forgive my Arrse cos it has sinned. I did not drink or eat all that yesterday. No fecking way.