Never Trust a Female Computer.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by maninblack, Nov 15, 2005.

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  1. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    MiB’s Odyssey

    Yesterday I had to drive from King’s Lynn to RAF Marham for a meeting and, being a bit of a geek, I have given up with maps in the car and I now used the built in “satnav” GPS mapping route finder thingy.

    I had one of our older engineering bods with me and he was so impressed with the “sat nav”

    MiB made the mistake of selecting “Shortest Route” as the navigation option.

    Within a few minutes we were hurtling along some disturbingly narrow lanes in Norfolk with “bitching Bessie” shouting encouragement such as “In one hundred metres turn left”

    Just West of Pentney there is an old stone cross at the side of the road then we reached a farm entrance with a Public Bridleway sign….. “Turn left”

    Oh well, so we turned left…..when surrounded by chickens and tractors and to the bemused stare of Seth The Farmer I again did as told and “Turned left” onto a dirt track out of the rear of the farm.

    With an air of electronic confidence Bitching Bessie then turned me to the right and onto a track that ran down the edge of a freshly ploughed field and so with the offside wheels in a ploughed rut I proceeded along at about 2 miles per hour making sure that the red arrow was still, unbelieveably, still on the “highlighted route”

    Back on more compressed mud at the end of the field on we crunched through frozen puddles, for ‘tis cold in Norfolk, and reached a large warping drain with a bridge into another field.

    Across the wooden bridge was a concrete farm track and instructions to “turn right” then quickly “turn left”

    I was relieved to turn left as by this time I was off the concrete road and onto a public footpath. ‘Mmmmmmm,’ thought I, ‘tis not going according to plan.’

    Bitching Bessie, with the confidence of a woman who drives from the backseat, then told me “In 200 metres go straight ahead”………I was now on a grassed woodland firebreak in Marham Fen with a metal gate across it. Using the initiative I am famed for I started to sweat and bullshit my way out of things with the bemused engineer.

    I reversed up to the junction and followed my nose. Now I have to confess that whilst my nose is good for crotch sniffing and fart testing it is a poor navigational tool and so within another minute Bitching Bessie rerouted me along the path I was following. I should have known that when my nose agrees with the navigational planning of a Japanese computer with a Kiwi accent it is time to park up and call a taxi.

    Halfway across a set of fields on a path that looked like Agincourt; The Aftermath, Bitching Bessie gave up and denied that she had ever suggested going “wadi bashing” in Norfolk.

    What do you do when the electronic woman of your dreams leaves you?
    So I turned my little car, now resembling the camouflage patterns beloved of Rommel in 1943, and headed back to where I last heard her little antipodean voice.

    Women, however, are unreliable creatures and the cow tried to make me unlock the gate and drive through the forest again…perhaps she has a little red riding hood thing going.

    MiB then set out like a man on a mission and drove round the other side of the trees with nettles and brambles whipping at the muddy flanks of his trusty Japanese steed. Suddenly in the distance I could see my Mecca, an aircraft hangar on a hill with only 500 acres of Somme like mud between myself and it.

    As I entered another farmyard, (this time with chickens and Rueben The Farmer staring with bovine passive stupidity at the horseless carriage) I emerged onto the road through Marham village to a chorus of “Proceed to the highlighted route”

    Typical woman, really, the chips are down and she went back to her mother, when everything is cosy again she returns with an “I told you this would happen” attitude. What do you expect from a computer with gender issues?
  2. J_D

    J_D LE

    And I thought men went by the rule " Never ask a women directions!".

    Set your self up for that one!
  3. Most women don't need asking, they offer out of hand. At least you can turn GPS off or hit it with a baseball bat ;)
  4. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    Oh Anya, my little cream cake and chocolate muncher, if anyone was going to bite etc........

    Don't worry your pretty little head about such technologically advanced things as navigation. :)
  5. Kiwi computer eh? Buy it some fush and chups to keep it sweet, and if that doesn't work spear tackle it.
  6. everyone knows sat-nav equipment are programmed by men. the only reason there is a woman's voice there is because it is believed that men will listen more to a woman's voice than a man's voice.

    its fucking true!! some scientist in sweeden (jobsworth no doubt) worked this out! (in all honesty, i could have told you that for the cost of a pint down ze local, but heh).
  7. J_D

    J_D LE

    Why do you think all maps and tools are kept out of my reach!
  8. Believe me, after a night on the Bellringer, a curry and some fat Cuban stogies I can, allegedly, turn off a human woman. I suspect I copuld even, if pushed, take a Louisville Slugger to one..but I would really have to be goaded because forty years of conditioning, ethical principles and decency takes more than five days of hormone induced whinging to be turned over!!
  9. good job it wasn't a scottish female voice , it would have charged you for each mile ! if you refused to pay , it will scream " RAPE! " at maximum volume :lol:
  10. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    I'm making sure my tool's out of your reach.
  11. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    Something you're trying to tell us Semper ?
  12. Read an article a while ago that in some countries GPSs are only sold with a man's voice. They found that male drivers in these countries had a tendency to keep ignoring the directions given if they came from a woman.
  13. nowt soz, no rape stories to tell, :D my GPS is with spoken with a female London accent , is usually well behaved, if i see a road that look iffy i tend to drive past it and let the GPS recalculate the route and go from there , i use my personal judgement combined with road condition and traffic including rush hour times ! and use the GPS as an aid to that.
  14. When I got my firsr satnav I used to amuse myself (easily done) by deliberately ignoring what I was told to do. 'She' used to make two or three goes at getting me back on the right road but when these were ignored made the best of it by finding where we were and then plotting a new route altogether. Shows some women can learn and adjust.
    Problem with cart tracks vs. land possibly due to slight confusion where the satnav thought you were other side of the hedge and on the lane. I think mine has some sort of thing that ignores very narrow roads as it has never tried to send me up a cycle path.
  15. 8O

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