Never mind animals - Pad brats in the mess?

Discussion in 'Officers' started by Victorian_Captain, Aug 31, 2005.

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  1. Yes - we can blame them for raiding the night tray

  2. No - leave them at home with the governess and a book of hard sums

  3. Who cares? since PAYD I avoid the place

  1. Never mind cats and dogs - how about the infernal brightly-coloured scourge of the modern mess - the Pad Brat.

    Overdosed on tartrazine and crisps and clogging up the TV room whilst adoring parents swap buggy stories.

    Too much breeding and not enough breeding.
  2. cpunk

    cpunk LE Moderator

    Are you telling me that you can tell the difference between a pad brat and a modern subbie? What's the secret?
  3. Good brat removal method:

    1. Wait for usual mass pad invasion, ie Sunday curry lunch or similar.

    2. Buy box of Mars Bars, place on radiator/boiler until well mushy.

    3. Lure rug-rats to Mars Bar issuing point. Give each brat a Mars with the wrapper opened.

    4. Wait for about an hour, until a chocolate tide-mark appears around the Mess, about 2 ft off the floor. (Best results if this tide-mark extends to velvet curtains and paintings).

    5. Humbly bring said tide-mark to attention of Mess Secretary/QM/CO.

    6. Enjoy resulting brat/pads ban from Mess......
  4. Pad brats dribble less and typically can spell. Apart from that the similarities are uncanny; unimaginative pastel-coloured clothes with a sailing theme, same desire for alcopops and prejudices far beyond their age or experience.
  5. Ask the PMC some questions about "insurance cover" and "what happens if the little angels hurt themselves" in a worried tone of voice.
  6. I wasn't under the impression that an Officers' Mess was for single living in members only. If children weren't allowed, would you ever see anybody above the rank of Captain in the mess except at dinner nights?
  7. Super wheeze. Better still - introduce them to minesweeping.

    Obviously this involves some initial outlay as you will have to strategically plant some rum and coke around the place, but I note your cavalier use of mars bars. Let the kids down them and then hey presto - they magically disappear leaving only vomit slicks.

    The strength of this lies in the fact that it scandalises the mothers the most. Even if a weak, vacillating career-twitchy PMC allows them back in after a ridiculously short ban - they won't come.

    This also works on subbies. Start them young...
  8. You may marry - you may breed. If she is personable enough then bring her along. Just spare us your brood.
  9. Invite Michael Jackson (the singer not the general) to become an honorary Mess member, with the chance to collect another regimental badge for his blazer.

    Watch the dust gather on the Thomas the Tank Engine videos in the TV room and enjoy a golden future of child-free happy hours...
  10. I think that the General would probably have the same effect, although it would be the parents dodging the Mess for fear of being told what wa*kers they are (presuming that they are hats obviosuly).
  11. Invite Michael Jackson (the general not the singer) to become an honorary Mess member, with the chance to consign another regimental badge to history.

    etc.... :twisted:
  12. And the difference is ????

    Both are generally uncontrolled (although a well trained dog will sit or ferk orf on command!!!)

    Both leave a trail of devestation and mess.... (see 'mars bar' idea - Outstanding!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:)
  13. Using your example, does that also exclude the parent, grandparents and siblings of mess members?

    Am I the only pad to contribute to this thread so far?:oops:
  14. I got banned from the home farm for something similar: Bought 10L of coke, (for 20 little cousins) 5 supersoakers, three pack of balloons (waterbombs) and several buckets.

    At some anniversary for an deceased relative, I introduced the little darlings to the coke first, and then to the water fight materials. And then left the area until the evening- and the little brats were still going strong at 1 am.

    I think getting the mothers to believe that the mess is full of irresponsible young officers waiting to fill their little darlings with rum and coke, cigars, and adult entertainment. Replace the Thomas tank engine with one of california's finest
  15. There was clearly a higher class of subaltern when I was living in the Mess. Firstly, we had a stock of Thomas The Tank Engine vids in the cellar bar and secondly, we left the girly officers to look after the kids. Does this not sound sensible ?