Neighbourhood Policing

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by papamike_9, Nov 24, 2007.

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  1. It seems the police are flavor of the month when it comes to taking the Pi55. this is an actual e-mail sent to a neighbourhood policing team (town name edited)

    Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

    Having spent twenty minutes waiting for someone at xxxxx police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in xxxx by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

    As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in xxxxx. Six of them seem happy enough to play game, which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

    The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. . I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow, their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately, they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

    What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no purpose than to remind us what police officers actually look like.

    I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

    I remain sir, your obedient servant


    Mr ??????,

    I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems
    Caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

    As the Community Beat Officer for your street, I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

    Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.


    PC ???
    Community Beat Officer


    Dear PC ?????

    First I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for xxxx Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for his next book.

    Secondly, I was delighted to hear that our street has a community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills.In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide in a tree or have you gone deep undercover and
    Infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
    It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

    Whilst I realize that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in xxxx such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care
    and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind
    the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

    Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
    contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.


    You cant beat a bit of sarcasm
  2. Don't tar them all with the same brush, we have a bloody good beat manager and PCSO , they seem to be on duty , at least one of them , all the time . They have built up a good relationship with the local youth , arranging bowling , paint ball etc and we have very little "crime" . We have a local policy forum which meets regularly and we , the local residents, set the targets for the next quarter.
    The system can and does work but I think it depends on
    a) the local chief constable having the balls to ignore government tick boxes and give his officers the freedom to do the job
    b)officers who are really interested in the local community
    and a local community who will back the police
  3. "neighbourhood policing" a quaint term, something that does not happen in the village I live and hasn't happened for several years now.

    Still looking on the upside we deal with the anti social miscreants our own way now which is far more effective and keeps the Hogs in food.
  4. OldTimer, each time a thread emerges regarding dissatisfaction with Police, someone eventually posts words to the effect "don't tar them with the same brush".

    I have no doubt that somewhere in the UK there is a visible, effective Police force, but like papamike_9, we only have the other type here, and it is on their peformance that posts will continue to be based.
  5. It's for The Greater Good! :twisted:
  6. A bit like The Loch Ness Monster, UFO's or The Holy Grail; loads of people claim they exist, but most of us here have never seen them... :roll:
  7. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    I saw loads of them today. At a non-league footballclub, there were about 15, and a crowd of close to 30.
    The plod huddled togethher for safety.
  8. Living in the Rural Community, we still have the same sort of problems as they have in towns and cities but not at the same level.
    I don't recall the last time I saw a police officer walking through this village, as one officer has thirteen villages to cover for 8 hours and 5 / 6 days a week.
    That is IF he has a car to get him here!
    That is IF they have not been redeployed into the local town (Scunthorpe), town did I say, I meant to say "Sheite Hole".
    Local market town Brigg the Police station opens just after 9:00 am and closes just before 5:00 pm, so you can only commit crime in those hours?
    Education is a wonerful thing but if you have no common sense, the education become useless and SO ineffective!
  9. A few years back I was walking back home and saw some cretins pissing around with a pistol crossbow in a local park. I called the police who asked endless questions about if I was sure it was a weapon or not, finally after convincing them they say somebody will be there to deal with it. Around a hour later I get a phone call from a officer informing me he has a helicopter over the are and armed response teams around the corner waiting and asked where they were now. Had to politely inform him they had most likely f*cked off home a good 40 minutes before, superb response for kids mucking around with dangeous weapons.
  10. Be careful of a ginger jobsworth being relocated to your village from london and ruining it all ;)

    edited for distracted typing
  11. God, I love that movie! :D
  12. As a retired Bobby I can sympathise with complaints against the lack of Police presence. HMGov Plc tend to c0ck up military and civilian services by their use of goals, targets, aims, accountability and politically correct cr@p.
  13. I think that in majority, the SNP scheme is working. Some areas are more slack than others, but from what I have seen, then yes, stick with it.

    It isnt the local SNP teams fault that paperwork keeps getting longer and longer to fill out.