Need some advice on separating

#1
Hi,
I need some words of wisdom from those who have been there.

I'm thinking of calling it a day with my partner. We have been together for five years and have two lovely kids. We are supposed to be getting married in June and I basically don't think I can go through with it.

I have been at home for the last three and a half years looking after the kids so she could go back to work. I have also been paying my way though uni with money I saved from when I was in and student loans. I am starting a new career this summer and cant help looking at it as a chance to start again.

If I leave now what rights do I have with regards to the kids and will I get any compensation for spending the last four years as a domestic servant?

I have been advised to stick it out until we are married and then bin her but thats easy to say when its not you standing up in front of your friends and family knowing that its all a crock of shit.

We have talked about things and I have told her I am having major doubts and am thinking about throwing in the towel. Her response was "but my mum has paid for everything and my friends have all booked time off" she has also said "if you leave now you'll never see the kids again"

Yes I know I have been a mong and need to grow some balls, I need some constructive advice please. My primary concerns are 1. my kids and 2. getting my life back
 

Mr_Fingerz

LE
Book Reviewer
#2
See a brief or the CAB to get advice about custody and maintenance.
 
#3
Are younamed as the father on the kids birth certificates?

As you are unmarried you would have had to be there when registering their births in order to get your name on it. (If married a wife can put fathers name on in his absence).

Basically, if your name is not on the birth certificates for your kids then you have no parental rights and she can indeed prevent you from seeing them.

If you are having doubts about marriage then do not do it.
 
#6
You must seriously been unhappy to want to throw in the towel with your partner and kids.

Although you just want to throw in thetowel with the mrs, unfortunately the kids will be part of that too. The only advice I can give you, is think long and hard on what you will be missing if you do go, (putting the kids to bed, the mrs making you cuppas), and what you think your life will really be like if you leave - will the grass be greener?

Constructive advice take it or leave it.
 
#7
Sound advice my arrse. If that is basis to stay with someone that you get your brews made you are a zoom. Ok the kids thing i accept but sometimes you have to do the right thing for them and if you are not creating the happy environment for them staying isnt the right thing to do.

You ever been married?
 
#8
Yes my name is on the birth certificate, both children have my surname.

I have looked into it a bit and I am under the impression that I will have to take her to court if I want to see them at all if I am not married.

Likewise no chance of maintenance.

I could walk tomorrow but I would be left with nothing.

I have been a bit if a mug by not getting money from her in lieu of being able to earn, and am basically skint now. I don't start my job until july. My head says stick with it but I am losing the will to live at the moment.

The mrs making me cuppa's!! Yeah right. I'm not going to spill my guts on here mate but I have good reasons for wanting to jack it in.
 
#9
Ok, well sit down in that case and make a case for access...basically arrange maintenence payment you both agree with, in return you get fair access to the kids.

If she tries the CSA argument, tell her to fcuk herself...because as I am aware new applications take at least 9 months just to process and i doubt she can afford to spend 9 months with no money and 2 kids.

And bear in mind she will need your money, as she will have to pay for childcare for the kids if she continues to work.

She doesn't hold all the cards here, remember that.
 
#10
My reference to cuppas was tongue in cheek i thought it a bit gay to say cuddling up on the sofa, knowing what your fav film is and all that other lovey dovey stuff.

You need to think about what you will be missing, does her making you cups of tea (example) put weigh a bad thing she does.

As for child maintanence you can do a calcualtion on the internet to see how much you would have to pay in your circumstances. Doing via that route you never pay alot. If you are concerned about the up keep of your kids then negotiate something with her.

BUT dont forget if you do leave she will probably be the main carer and will keep the house the plates the sofas and all the rest of it. (not meaning to sound materialistic but theres alot more to breaking up with someone if you live together and have kids than ou would think).
 
#11
student_grant said:
We have talked about things and I have told her I am having major doubts and am thinking about throwing in the towel. Her response was "but my mum has paid for everything and my friends have all booked time off".
From a pure relationship perspective and nothing to do with your children, if that's the best reason she can come up with for not cancelling your nuptials, she obviously knows it's not working but seems to want to settle for a 'something rather than nothing' relationship.

If you (as a couple) can rationally discuss the breakdown of your relationship it may be that she'll come round to the idea of your splitting up - it could be that even if she knew the relationship was dying that she was shocked when you actually raised the subject of ending it.

Good luck and I hope that you can get something sorted with regard to access to the children.
 
#12
If you are in the army they will provide you with a matress and a crappy single pitspace and i do believe that the cookhouse will give you a plate from which to eat your shite scoff off....In short dont worry! LOL
 
#13
Its me that need maintenance MB. shes a hospital doctor.

If i was a cynical bastard i could just play along with her game for another six months have a stag do have the wedding big pissup , see all my mates again who I have all lost touch with having basically been trapped in the house for years, start my new job then tell her I want a divorce and have far more bargaining power when it comes to access to the kids, share of equity in the house etc.

I'm not a bad person but enoughs enough, its not like we havent talked about what's going wrong but nothing ever changes and I'm threaders with it now.
 
#14
DozyBint said:
From a pure relationship perspective and nothing to do with your children, if that's the best reason she can come up with for not cancelling your nuptials, she obviously knows it's not working but seems to want to settle for a 'something rather than nothing' relationship.
Yeah, when she said that I knew then that was the end of it. If she had come out with something like: why are you so unhappy? is there anything I can do? perhaps i would feel differently but I can see know that the whole things for her families benefit not ours.

I have been looking for a way out for years but havent had the guts to make the big decision. I dont want to do anything hasty as I dont want anything to hurt the kids.
 
#15
student_grant said:
will I get any compensation for spending the last four years as a domestic servant?
From whom? I cant see it mate, you've been at home looking after your kids and your home while she brings home the bacon.
If you want to walk away and leave the kids with her are you intending to help support them, or are you expecting her or us to foot the bill?
 
#16
student_grant said:
Its me that need maintenance MB. shes a hospital doctor.

If i was a cynical fatherless i could just play along with her game for another six months have a stag do have the wedding big pissup , see all my mates again who I have all lost touch with having basically been trapped in the house for years, start my new job then tell her I want a divorce and have far more bargaining power when it comes to access to the kids, share of equity in the house etc.

I'm not a bad person but enoughs enough, its not like we havent talked about what's going wrong but nothing ever changes and I'm threaders with it now.
That sounds like a good plan if you can stand being togeaher that long. Remember YOU have looked after the children and been the home maker so you will have a good chance of keeping the kids.

You could get hitched, then get some-one to have an affair with your wife and then you have grounds for devorce and maintainence.
 
B

Biscuits_AB

Guest
#18
If you are truly 'losing the will to live' as you say, then you've hit rock bottom mate.

You both need to sit down and put your cards on the table and do it sooner rather than late or you'll end up growing bitter and disliking each other, which as there are kids involved, won't help you in the future when you want access.

Be honest with yourselves as well as each other. If you are not going to leave as you are hanging on for July and she's concerned about wedding costs and pals' being inconvenienced, I reckon that both of you are hanging on for no other reason than there's bugger all else.

If you bale out, it'll f*ck her and the kids up for a while, but you're not the first couple to go through this and to be blunt....you're a long time dead mate. You'll all get used to it in the end but your best to talk about it with her rather than just not turn up for your tea one day. Doing a runner, especially after an arguement, may be the quickest way, but it certainly sn't the best way.

(If anyone from The Sun is reading, can I have 'Dear Deirdre's' job when she dies?)
 
#19
sandmanfez said:
If you want to walk away and leave the kids with her are you intending to help support them, or are you expecting her or us to foot the bill?
Er she is a consultant in the NHS mate, I hardly think either of us is going to get a penny from the taxpayer.

I am not expecting a a massive payout its just that since we have been living together I have done everything on the home front so she can go off and coin it in doing private practice. As well as look after the kids I have sweated blood doing the house up which is now worth a whole lot more than what we paid for it.

She could kick me out tomorrow and I would be on the streets.

Thanks for the advice peeps, really needed to get it off my chest more than anything. I am not going to do anything hasty as I need my head together for when I start work again for the first time since 2003
 
#20
It isn't about what you want or about what she wants , it is all about what the childrens needs , and that is a good decent loving home , both of you need to get talking and make a commitment . You both produced the children , you had a choice to be parents they didn't have a choice to have you as parents.
Get your priorities right and do the decent thing for them.
 

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