ned problem

#1
being in the retail security buisness i have problems from time to time with annoying little ned bas***ds.rules of engagement state that we have to deal with them with minimum fuss and with-out upsetting the customers,this is very difficult as these rules are writen by tossers who don`t know what real life is like.if any one has any good solutions or tips i`d be very grateful. :evil:
 
#4
Yes. Find out what way they go home, wait til after dark and then leather them one at a time. If they complain to the polis, deny everything - they need two adult witnesses up here before the PF will even write a report.
 
#7
True story from Sydney last year. Media reported a bloke who hung around shopping centres preying on female lifters. Once he caught one, he would identify himself as store security and take them to the staff toilets for a "search". They would then be given a chance to "settle out of court" as it were. He was only found out when one of the slappers he sh@gged realised he wasn't employed there. Some said "shocking", I thought "genius". Was I wrong?
 
#9
Large pair of sidecutters. Start with the little finger and work your way up. Repeat offenders will soon find themselves trying to grip the Buckfast container with their elbows....

...Or just cut large nicks out of the backs of their ears to mark them as troublemakers for the rest of the populace.

Sidecutters also work like a charm removing the valves from the tyres of their flea powered conveyances.
 
#10
Lardbeast said:
Large pair of sidecutters. Start with the little finger and work your way up. Repeat offenders will soon find themselves trying to grip the Buckfast container with their elbows....

...Or just cut large nicks out of the backs of their ears to mark them as troublemakers for the rest of the populace.

Sidecutters also work like a charm removing the valves from the tyres of their flea powered conveyances.
That's your problem in a nutshell Lardbeast, you are just soft on crime.
 
#12
:D
GDav said:
Yes. Find out what way they go home, wait til after dark and then leather them one at a time. If they complain to the polis, deny everything - they need two adult witnesses up here before the PF will even write a report.
this is one of the better ones, for persistent offenders a lump hammer will give them permanent amnesia of the brain
 
#13
If they have Fiat cinquientos or some such, with stupid low profile tryres (in the vain belief that a front wheel drive car is going to feel the benefits of F1 style cornering at 40MPH). You can easily let them down without the Cumbdunts noticing.

The Landlord of a local pub was haivng problems with them congregating in his carpark. A series of blowouts in the Chav driver community on the mini roundabouts and gravel carparks of the local area resulted in three low profil tyres and a spare steel wheel being the fashion for quite a while! until the transmission wind up on the front gearbox saw all of them retired from service for the rest of summer.

Cant help you with shoplifting, but if its just general Ned problems that seems to work!
You could always do what the aussie did, but dry bum them instead!
 
#14
Neds with a car? That'll be the day - unless they start giving out vouchers at the broo.
 
#15
Lardbeast said:
Large pair of sidecutters. Start with the little finger and work your way up. Repeat offenders will soon find themselves trying to grip the Buckfast container with their elbows....

...Or just cut large nicks out of the backs of their ears to mark them as troublemakers for the rest of the populace.

Sidecutters also work like a charm removing the valves from the tyres of their flea powered conveyances.
tried all of these except the tyre thing these north east neds don`t have nedmobiles unless they have a good day on the rob and manage to get their hands ona two wheeled hairdryer.

p.s management weren`t too chuffed
 
#16
I've been around most of Aberdeen's shopping establishments and I doubt very much that the Neds give a flying fuck what your plan is. There isn't a store security type under 15 stone in the granite city. My advice: stand at the door and try not to think (you'll look confused). If you can step in front of them before they duck and run, leaving you gasping for oxygen and a swift pint of cider, then worry about how to discipline them. Otherwise, stop pretending that you're the long arm of the law. And if you're the one in M&S, time to start petitioning for a new uniform, you look a right fairy.

On second thoughts, if you're in the Bon Accord your shirt's aren't mega masculine either.
 
#17
Wear more burberry and bling than them.
Paint on more zits than them and slouch.
Talk though your nose is a very 'awrite ma man' tone of voice and and ask them if they know where you can get a deal.


All of which will intimidate the kak out of them.

Then pull the baseball bat out of your shell-suit and batter fukk out the dweebs!

They all deserve to burn in their own weed fire.
 
#18
#19
A serious answer? Get management to define a Standards of Service Agreement. This document will detail what they judge to be the best end result on any stop and positive finding search. If they hold off 'cos they don't know or don't want to know - wave Health & Safety assessment at them. Just as important your security staff are protected from - say, knifing risk as any chav not being embarrassed by an arrest. Also refer them to fact that, unless you have a very large security force, it may well be their sales people who have to carry out an arrest. Employers have a duty to look after ALL staff.
Tea and toast for PCSOs?
 
#20
This is a 3 stage plan for ned removal.
stage 1)
offer a Ned Scalp reward sceme,
say 50p per dead ned. This will cause the drugy neds to kill the baby wanabe neds thus reducing your drama by half!
stage 2)
offer a drugs for dead neds sceme
make sure its a limited time only offer, the drugy neds will now set about each other. Again reducing your drama by at least half.
stage 3)
you are now left with only hard neds so it shouldn't be hard to find out the hardest ned, get it to do the other neds one at a time, offer him drugs as a reward!
then when hes done em all, do him!
Hey presto no more neds.
 

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