ned problem

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by lordiffyboatrace, Mar 24, 2006.

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  1. being in the retail security buisness i have problems from time to time with annoying little ned bas***ds.rules of engagement state that we have to deal with them with minimum fuss and with-out upsetting the customers,this is very difficult as these rules are writen by tossers who don`t know what real life is like.if any one has any good solutions or tips i`d be very grateful. :evil:
  2. Join the police force...........
  3. tried that but too many loud bangs didn`t do my ears much good.
  4. Yes. Find out what way they go home, wait til after dark and then leather them one at a time. If they complain to the polis, deny everything - they need two adult witnesses up here before the PF will even write a report.
  5. id rather join the neds.....saying that i'd rather join the police then the navy! :lol:
  6. I'd rather join the brownies than the navy.
  7. True story from Sydney last year. Media reported a bloke who hung around shopping centres preying on female lifters. Once he caught one, he would identify himself as store security and take them to the staff toilets for a "search". They would then be given a chance to "settle out of court" as it were. He was only found out when one of the slappers he sh@gged realised he wasn't employed there. Some said "shocking", I thought "genius". Was I wrong?
  8. gunna have to try that one! what ya think my lord?! :lol:
  9. Large pair of sidecutters. Start with the little finger and work your way up. Repeat offenders will soon find themselves trying to grip the Buckfast container with their elbows....

    ...Or just cut large nicks out of the backs of their ears to mark them as troublemakers for the rest of the populace.

    Sidecutters also work like a charm removing the valves from the tyres of their flea powered conveyances.
  10. That's your problem in a nutshell Lardbeast, you are just soft on crime.
  11. Pass the muesli....
  12. :D
    this is one of the better ones, for persistent offenders a lump hammer will give them permanent amnesia of the brain
  13. If they have Fiat cinquientos or some such, with stupid low profile tryres (in the vain belief that a front wheel drive car is going to feel the benefits of F1 style cornering at 40MPH). You can easily let them down without the Cumbdunts noticing.

    The Landlord of a local pub was haivng problems with them congregating in his carpark. A series of blowouts in the Chav driver community on the mini roundabouts and gravel carparks of the local area resulted in three low profil tyres and a spare steel wheel being the fashion for quite a while! until the transmission wind up on the front gearbox saw all of them retired from service for the rest of summer.

    Cant help you with shoplifting, but if its just general Ned problems that seems to work!
    You could always do what the aussie did, but dry bum them instead!
  14. Neds with a car? That'll be the day - unless they start giving out vouchers at the broo.
  15. tried all of these except the tyre thing these north east neds don`t have nedmobiles unless they have a good day on the rob and manage to get their hands ona two wheeled hairdryer.

    p.s management weren`t too chuffed