NEBOSH Safety Twats

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by The_Magician, Mar 29, 2011.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. How many nebosh tutors does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.

    How many architects does it take to change a light bulb?
    Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this very complicated task.

    How many safety engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. safety engineers do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

    How many nebosh students does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. That's a diploma subject.

    How many diploma 1 students does it take to change a light bulb?
    One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

    How many diploma 2 students does it take to change a light bulb?
    "Will this question be in the final examination?"

    How many Msc students does it take to change a light bulb?
    "10,000 words latter I’ll have to do more research and resubmit?"

    How many environment students does it take to change a light bulb?
    Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

    Under normal public purchasing conditions, how many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

    Two. One to change the light bulb. One to hold the ladder (for health and safety!)

    Under PFI:

    One Privatised off shoot employee to change the bulb. Another to hold the ladder and a third to replace the temp who was holding the ladder but who has now got a permanent job elsewhere. Five light bulb changing consultants to develop a business case for changing said bulb and four more (from a different consultancy) to independently evaluate the first lots bid. Plus two separate teams of lawyers to make sure everything’s OK for both public and private perspectives.


    How many Safety Managers does it take to change a light bulb?
    8 to argue
    1 to get a continuance
    1 to object
    1 to demur
    2 to research precedents,
    1 to dictate a letter
    1 to stipulate
    5 to turn in their time cards
    1 to depose
    1 to write interrogatories
    2 to settle
    1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and
    28 to bill for professional services
  2. Bore off you knob.

    I can see why you didn't put it in the jokes section, it's not worthy of being in there.

    Now go and put yourself in the toilet - headfirst.
  3. Wot e sed!
  4. Failed your NEBOSH recently? Feeling a little disappointed that you couldn't make the grade? Fuck off knob.
  5. Couldn't be arsed to read past the first three..stultifying shite.

  6. Unemployed then...

  7. Nah passed me NEBOSH with a Distinction in 2000 and have been a Chartered Member of IOSH since 2007but they are still twats.

    And may you fuck off knob end

    Many thanks
  8. dumb question but what the fuck is nebosh?

  9. A small town in Georgia. Home to NATO Health and Safety Command.
    • Like Like x 1
  10. You asked for it. By the way Magician, you forgot to include the call to an India-based call centrre to arrange for the chain of consultancy nonsense to begin.
  11. I thought it was based in Pakistan, I stand corrected, do they put you on hold for half an hour as well?
  12. a training course to become a health and
    safety muppet? fucking wonderful.
  13. 'Course you need a course. You didn't think the ability to be that much of an irritating berk came naturally, did you?
  14. The National Examination Board in Occupational Safety and Health
    Seems they churn out 30,000 qualified inspectors every year,ain't that great?