Nails? Of course, but are you?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by old_fat_and_hairy, Jun 18, 2007.

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  1. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    For all those of you who have begged me for my life story, here it is.

    I was forced to join the army at a very early age, by a judge who told me it was the army or jail. Because I had killed a man. No, wait, it was three men. They were part of a gang of about thirty, who were threatening this sweet little old lady, and trying to steal her purse. Now I may only have been 15, but I had been trained to fight by a miner from Byker, who had learned to fight during war. Anyway, I launched myself at these yobs ( word hadn't been invented then, but I thought it up) and tore into them. I punched and kicked all 40 of these guys, and when they were all down, I realised that some were dead. I was a little bit worried, but luckily, the old lady I saved had a young daughter who was not only a barrister but a beautiful and sexy woman. To thank me for saving her gran, she not only shagged me in a hundred different ways, but defended me in court.

    When I won my case, this 34 year old lovely took me to her luxury penthouse in Blaydon and introduced me to her 19 year old bisexual friend, and they both made mad, passionate love to me.. When I left for the army, they begged to come with me, but I left them, crying.
    At the recruiting office, the sergeant told me I was too good and too hard for normal units, so offered me a comission in the elite and very secretive Commando Raiding Air Platoon, of the even more elite 9th Special HALO Intervention Team. These were the people that SAS turned to when the job was too difficult for them.
    I turned down the commission, figuring I would rather be a mere soldier than an officer. So I started my training, specialising in Sniper Knife-throwing and underwater crossbow work.The biggest problem I had during my 6 weeks of training (cut short because I aced everything in a very short time) was fighting off the women who clamoured for my body. And the disgusting things they were willing to do, just to spend a little quality time with me, not to mention the money they wanted to spend on me. But I won't bore you with more details of my life and career. Yet.
  2. Hello chimpy. You mugging old people and stealing their usernames now then?
  3. OFAH - you are a wonder amongst we more ordinary men. I salute you - with both fingers
  4. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Old people? Old 'king people? You young pup! I would horsewhip you, but you would only enjoy it nearly as much as me!
  5. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Ah Bambi. You are so lucky to have your fingers. Mine were cut off by the enemy, for....................well, as I said, I won't bore you with my war stories.

    Unless asked.
  6. Fcuk me - hard as dogtoffee.... But made me smile lol
  7. Hell's teeth, you are old aren't you............ go on, tell us young shavers how you slaughtered the French knights.....
  8. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    Very impressive; yes, very impressive, but have I shown you my scars? Well, let me tell you a thing to two you young whipper snapper you . . . .
  9. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Scars? I have scars on my scars!

    The French knights were no match for my 8.74 mm Self-loading mortar/machine rifle. I had to carry that, as well as my sniper rifle, with which I could hit a man-sized target at 4 miles!
  10. Hang on? Blaydon?

    Im not having Sir are a LIAR!!!
  11. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Nope, it was right above the old Woolworths in the square, just where the bus used to turn round.
    But nowhere near as luxuirious as the huge manor house I stayed in in Swalwell.
  12. Nails? Of course I am. Did you not hear about the time I took on 3rd Shock single-handed in the NAAFI at Otterburn? Kicked their arrses, I did. And I never had to resort to any of these poncy 'weapons' you see the lads running around with now.

    Why do you think WWIII never kicked off? All down to me, I tell you. Of course, the Guv'mint hushed it all up, 'coz they wanted the Cold War to go on for a bit longer, and the Ruskies played ball to save face.

    You ain't seen me, right?...
  13. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    I agree with you 100%, carrots. When I was working undercover for MI 13 I found out that the whole cold war thing was started and kept going by a combination of arms cartels, oild producers and Tesco. It made for huge profits, and now ASDA and Budgens are trying to resurrect it all. I have been warned that I may be called back to active service, and it may be soon.
    Kuckily, I have a box in my cupboard with all my weapons and ammo in, and hidden away in my attic is my Ferrari-lambo super saloon, fully armoured and ready to acrry me to wherever I am needed.
  14. Mere storytellers, the lot of you....

    You want nails?

    I ended the 2nd World War by going back in time. We'd had a pickled egg eating/out of date guiness drinking competition in the mess, and I managed to stumble into a time vortex on my way back home that took 8 hours of my life. Hiroshima? Nagasaki? All I did was light one of my noxious eggy/yeasty farts.....Somehow the blast catapulted me forwards through time, back onto my swamped bed in the present....

    Now thats nails....