NAAFI Location, Location, Location

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Vegetius, Oct 27, 2005.

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  1. Here in the civilian world, when we are looking to buy houses, we are given rigorous instruction as to the key combat indicators regarding whether an area is "up and coming" so as to maximise the investment potential when you buy a drum. For example, skips and scaffolding are meant to suggest that people are improving their properties (a good sign), as is evidence of a deli or a nice coffee shop recently opening, especially from a chain (they spend a fortune predicting where the next great place to open up is). There are others. Mine include:

    (A) MILF proliferation. Crumpety thirty-something mums mean an area is up-and-coming. Attractive women are shallow and tend to end up with blokes with good earning potential, ergo if you see crumpet pushing a five-hundred-quid Bugaboo pram appearing on your manor then you know that there is a few quid flying about. On top of that, they are nice to look at.

    (B) Closure of decent pubs. When "The Nag's Head" complete with drunken Irishmen reading the Racing Post at 0900 sat outside, sticky carpets and a picture of a middle-aged Queen Mum pulling a pint behind the bar closes down and is replaced by "Bar Ponce" with chrome, over-priced lager, wooden floors and a fcuking "Gastropub Menu" then you know that although where you live is about to become incredibly annoying, at least you've garnered a little bit more equity on your house.

    (C) People's cars cost less than their houses. One of the things I've noticed about the British Underclass is that although they might well choose to live in a mud-brick hovel from medieval England, they still have an eighteen-month old BMW X5 parked outside. When your neighbours start trading down their cars to put some dosh into their houses then you know that the Bourgeoisie are on the march where you live.

    So, service people. What do you look for in a military establishment or garrison that tells you that you've truly arrived? Is it the Tidworth Aldi selling Balsalmic vinegar? Or is it when the NAAFI in Colchester starts doing panini instead of egg banjos? Imagine Kirsty and Phil are going to take you around three different places...what are you looking for?

  2. Actually, the best way to tell that a garrison area is 'up and coming' is the huge number of cranes and idle workmen who descend to start Allenby/Connaught or whatever the local initiative is to be called.

    Most NAAFIs already stock these faux-riche symbols of class - paninis, fizzy chardonnay, bags of nuts you've never heard of before, and so forth. Some even offer an in-store deli, although they only seem to actually sell sausages in puff pastry and odd looking cheese items that you wouldn't touch with someone else's tongue.

    As always with these mass observation type posts, the best indicator remains 'the people', and NAAFI certainly draws in the best with the rest. On Saturdays, the static charge collecting inside an average sized NAAFI, from all the nylon thigh-hugging trousers abrading each other is truly awe inspiring. Indeed, I believe it to be only a matter of time before Discovery Channel run another episode of 'Raging Planet' called 'Thunder Trousers' or 'Chavs and their effects on local weather systems'.

    Possibly not. But no-one can accuse NAAFI of not moving with the times. 'More tat' called the masses - and that's exactly what they get - cheap, brightly coloured foodstuffs and plastic items, designed to suit the heaviest wallet yet satisfy none of the urges we normally associate with 'retail therapy'.
  3. And from the other side of the trolley...

    See what I mean?

    Go here for more...
  4. D'ya reckon Kirtsy's a bit dirty then?
  5. Darth again proves that he's not being given nearly enough home-work at Big School as he guides us to yet another strange website!
  6. Dozy - ask and ye shall recieve.

    Well - you didn't really ask so much as take the pi$$, but here you go for more weirdness...

    Hmmmm...'beneficial' eh....?
  7. RTFQ


    I thought everyone knew the secret to spotting areas on the up and up. I'm sure Kirstie Allsopp did a feature on it a while back.

    I call it the Swampometer.

    First, you find an area/building/facility that seems to contain a representative cross section of the local populace. It could be a park, supermarket, cinema, creche, whatever. What you do is: chuck a set of ecw keks on and a helly hanson top with holes cut out to expose your nipples. Stick a flasher mack over the top and wander into the centre of the chosen target area. WARNING: DO NOT DO THIS IF YOU HAVE DARK SKIN OR A SUNTAN. At best, you will have an embarrassing Sect 44 moment with a kindly local plod - at worst you will be gunned down like a dog in the street. It's a little known fact that Jean Charles de Menezes was on his way to the local 'Alldays' to see if Stockwell was a nice area to live in when he was capped for being a non-Correct foreigner.

    Having positioned yourself in your target area -as I'm sure you've already guessed - it's time to lovingly recreate a topographical representation of bolivia down your left leg. You compare how long it takes for you to be torpedo tackled by a UNIFORMED member of security/civpol to this handy cut-out-and-keep guide:

    1-10 Seconds: It is rare in the extreme to be apprehended this quickly. It usually means you are stood outside No10 Downing Street or in the Ops Room at Stirling lines.

    10-30 Seconds: Very plush neighbourhood indeed. It's likely that at least one B list celebrity saw your ammonia tide seep down your leg and expect a comment about the incident in one the the Grauniad columns or as a page header in the FT. If your selected property is within your price range, get an offer in quick, and wear a nice suit when you go round there!

    30-45 Seconds. The delay is likely to be caused by teething problems in the newly installed C3I system, but the response is rapid enough to indicate poshness, and certainly the kind of up and coming affluence worth investing in. Waitrose in Richmond (Surrey, obviously) used to be able to roll out a hefty response in this time, but ever since they started recruiting lazyassed Albanians standards have well slipped. Not the other day did I see Claire Goose popping in for a pack of tenor lady! used to be that you couldn't biz round the back streets doing 80 without knocking down one of Madonna's kids or sending Richard Burton flying for cover, nowadays you're lucky if you bump into that one off casualty. Rubbish.

    45secs - 1min15. Think the families of Barristers and Doctors sat in Zizi having a couple of breadsticks and a caesar with a demi-bouteille of Pinot Gri. The delay is caused by sheer, righteous, middle classed indignation. The witnesses will be well versed, via the Daily Mail, in the dangerous psychoses inherent in those who earn below £40k per annum and they've complete a seemly period of agast-ness (with maybe a well uttered "Oh my" or "Really!!!") before going to get a pleb to deal with "" sharpish. Expect no response from the children present as they will be ritilin-ed up to their eyeballs.

    1min15-2minutes. Standard British housing area to be found anywhere. Expect the tackling to be done by a 17 year old Barratt Homes security guard because all the proper coppers are two estates down and dealing with the race riots.

    2 mins plus. Cause for concern as it is likely that you have finished swamping by now and are just watching people walk past with yer nips out and keks wet. Probably not worth long term investment, especially if a polite Rwandan family have stopped to ask you, in broken english, where the local sugar beet farm is while the father waves the hands of his 6 year old daughter in your face, demanding your opinion on the availablity of work for "Such small hands" before guffawing a very african laugh.
  8. Great post RTFQ.

    not the bit about the housing I shall leave that to later, but the link to Kirsties page is spot on. Whenever I see her in those heels i wonder mmmmmmmmmmmmm Agent Provocatuer or none at all is kirstie a commado girl?????????????? shaven or trimmed?????????????? is there a tasteful tattoo on the inside of her creamy white thigh framed by the black silk stockings

    I shall now go a knock one out over the pics in my head and then read the rest of your post

    i thank you
  10. RTFQ


    Let's not get carried away, she's more "ropey" than "lovely". Don't get me wrong, if I were looking to buy a modern terraced house on the bus route to Ealing with spacious living areas and parking off the road, all for a budget of, let's see... 58p, a gatorade bottle cap, a Naafi "Box Office" video card and a canadian dollar piece, she'd be the first I'd ask for. She is, i fear, little more than a whiney voiced estate agent that - despite her accent - is less "finishing school" and more "knocking shop" than she (and channel 4) would hope for.

    Ultimately, my favourite Property babe is Amanda Lamb. True, what she knows about property could be taught to a toothless chimpanzee who presses star- and triangle-shaped buttons for rewards, in about 20 minutes (using a blade of grass and the back of a pack of Embassy No1). But speaking as a man who can spot a swan when he sees one, I have nothing but respect as she spends most of her year abroad, (badly) reading prompt cards and looking down her noses at brummies who are rapidly throwing their life savings down the pan in Mykanos. All she had to do is boff the producer, and lets face it - even sex with ugly people is more fun than voicing over "Animals do the Funniest Things." Plus she doesn't look like someone just ran a ladyshave over a bag lady, slapped her about a bit to put some colour in her cheeks and pushed her in front of a rolling camera. Which is more than I can say about Ms Allsopp
  11. Dodgy eyebrows on Miss Lamb.
  12. If we're talking TV property show babes Sarah Beeny certainly deserves a mention. Not only is she top eye candy, but her programmes(basic premise, a niave member of the public spunks his/her lifesavings on a shy tole in the misguided belief that they are going to become the new Donald Trump, while La Beeny stands by and takes the piss)are actually quite watchable.
  13. So what does it say about the desirability of an area if an Albanian f*ck-pad opens up down the road, and Lidls are building a new stroe around the corner? :cry:
  14. Bouillabaisse

    Bouillabaisse LE Book Reviewer

    Very desireable if you want cheap foreign sex and cheap foreign food. Probably a positive selling point to right audience...
  15. I used to live in the lovely sunny borough of leyton and there was a knocking shop no more than five hundred metres away, a safeway with the world's worst manager at the end of the road(take a bottle of wine back to tesco when it's off and it gets changed no questions asked, when I tried the same at my then local he stood and argued for ten minutes hoping I'd just give up) and a pizza hut with a foot long list of "no go" delivery areas.
    Apart from the obvious delights of the "sauna" there seemed to be a large population of itinerant dogs; this is based on the incredible amount of dogshit on the pavements. It wasn't safe to walk the streets at night, not because you'd get mugged, but because of the risk of a foot/poo interface...
    Property prices on the hand were on the up, which goes to prove there's no accounting for taste.

    Corn. :roll: