My wife and her divvy fcuking tent

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, Oct 3, 2005.

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  1. Am I being unreasonable?

    I've always done a bit of camping, usually combined with a bit of climbing or hillwalking. All very straight forward stuff. I'd ditch the car for a few days, and me and a couple of mates would bog off. A few cans of food and something to drink and we were laughing. Rather than doss in the official campsites, we'd just pitch up wherever we felt like stopping. When I started going out with my wife, I got her into it for a while. As well as all the usual walking fun there was the added bonus of sleeping bag tomfoolery. When i'd finished thrapping silently in my scratcher, we'd occasionally have sex.

    Once the kids turned up, that all stopped. Then, earlier this Summer, my eldest (6) said, "Daddy, can you take me camping this year?" Some of his mates at school have been doing it and he fancied some, so he could big-time it in the playground. No problem, I said. The idea really appealed to me. Taking my lad on a few hills, passing on my inablility to read maps, subjecting him to unnecessary danger and giving the mountain rescue something to do. I couldn't wait to tell him that I "knew a short cut" before taking him on a 17 mile detour on a 4 mile walk.

    Alas, my missus put the mockers on it,

    "Oh, don't just take Convoy/1, we'll all go."

    "I've only got a two man tent. There's 6 of us."

    "We'll get a nice big tent. My friend Carole says we can use hers,"

    The blood was draining from my face. All my tidy little plans of 1 rucksack between the 2 of us and a blissful period of father-son bonding were being replaced by yet another doomed family outing, involving similar logistics to Op Corporate.

    "What sort of tent is it? I'm not going round in some dayglo fcuking nightmare."

    "She says it's lovely. It's got three separate rooms (when she saw my eyes goggle, she quickly added) ......and.... and it's waterproof."

    What the fcuk!!! I agreed to suspend judgement until i'd had a look at the fcuker. It turned up on a tank transporter two days later. I spent 2 and a half hours putting it up. It was fcuking hideous. The kids thought it was great. It completely filled my back garden. It did indeed have three rooms, and a fcuking reception area, all with playschool effect windows. It was bright red with white piping. It looked like the prizegiving tent from a medieval jousting competition. As soon as I could stand back far enough to see the whole thing, I turned round to her and said,

    "No fcuking way, am I being seen anywhere in that thing." The kids started crying and she started berating me for always being bothered about what other people think. But theres no way i'm doing it. I've spent my whole adult life taking the p-iss out of anyone who inhabits these mobile horrors. I know for a fact that the moment I pitch it, i'll turn round and there'll be a handful of lads, drinking a beer and pointing at the poor c-unt with 4 nippers and a daft tent.
     
  2. I would be one of the people that would abuse anybody in a tent that try's to look like a house, what a fcuking waste of time. Might as well be a caravan and don't get me started on those things.
     
  3. Fang_Farrier

    Fang_Farrier LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Don't be such a whoose!

    think of your kids happiness!

    Oh and post a pic so we can all enjoy it!
     
  4. Well, at least you cut out the intermediary stages. I used to be one of the "if you can't carry it, don't bring it" school...... then it was a small dome that could be left in the back of the waggon, then it was an inflatable matress that fitted into the dome, then the two ring gas burner........ not quite at the pack away white picket fence yet.
    As for caravanners..... a plague on all their houses - mobile and static!
     
  5. Make her and the nippers man pack the thing for 8 miles over the black mountains that will teach them a important lesson on kit selection.
     
  6. I hear you can get lovely Picnic Sets in a wicker basket and they have dayglo plates and everything in them. Why not invest in a nice washable plastic table cloth with a groovy chick theme or similar?

    I am a gal, I am a wife but NFW would I EVER entertain camping out in one of those things.
     
  7. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    DO IT, DO IT!!!!!!!!!

    On a slight tangent......

    Motherinblack tried to convinve me that with two kids under 10 years old a caravan would be a good idea.

    "But me and your Dad had some lovely holidays in caravans when you were young."

    "Yes, mother, but I have higher expectations out of life."

    "What do you mean by that? There's nothing wrong with a caravan, some of them are very nice inside."

    "Depends on your perspective, mother, I don't compare everything with spending my childhood in an Anderson shelter eating whale sandwiches."

    i would rather eat my own excrememnt than buy a caravan 9or a tent with white plastic mock sash windows.
     
  8. Oh boy, we have tapped a rich vein of bile here....we're off and running........ be honest, who doesn't feel inately superior tabbing in to a camp site (only because you smell so ripe that even the flies are repelled), setting up a "proper" tent in the midst of surbiton on tour 'vans and then cooking up a bit of scran - all in and on kit that you carry on your back?
     
  9. I suggest you make them all setup a 'basher' and issue them with a fart sack each. Hexy tabs and metal cups with 24hr rat pack to boot. Good drills, happy campers and no big f*cking tents. Just like the real Army but pretend!
     
  10. Fang_Farrier

    Fang_Farrier LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    If my memory serves me right, is the issuing of 24hr rat packs along the lines of Take the number in the squad, subtract one, now issue that number of rat packs!
     
  11. Can't wait for the debrief of how the bug out goes.

    I can see Convoy now, cammed up, soft hat, rushing his section/family out of the harbour at 4 am, thundies going off, shouting the works. Mrs Convoy has two kids and a gas stove stuffed in a holdall and shouts "last man!" as she reaches the ERV.

    "Not Fecking QUICK ENOUGH!" bellows Convoy, "Right let's go back and see what you left shall we!"
     
  12. Okay look, there is a way round this which will suit everyone. All you need is:

    9 X 9 "Penthouse"

    Some Army issue camp beds.

    Six foot Army wooden table. Eat your meals off it and do your map marking on it during the day. Sleep on it at night if you like.

    Petrol Burner for doing the Compo on.

    Kero lantern

    Large Cam Net and some craftily cut poles.

    Trench and a Thunderbox round the back.

    Make everyone wear a kevlar at all times and clang your mess tins together shouting Gas! Gas! Gas! at regular intervals.

    Make sure your troops are alert on Stand To at first & last light.

    Should anyone laugh at you just call "Crash Out!" and clear off to a new location in your MOD Surplus Bedford MK.
     
  13. You should also consider not feeding them a day as "the echelon got hit" and you are on your belt kit only, now let's see who was monging it.
     
  14. Don't forget the electric hook-up.....well how are the kids going to play their playstation if the Flat-Screen telly isn't powered? Or the Sky box?
     
  15. They are going to be too busy, stage two by first light and a full stag list to run!