my struggle against "da man"

one year ago, my company an insurance bodyshop (think bulldog) was bought out by a large international bank, whom obviously i cant name but to give you a clue it's royal bank of scotland ... which coincidentally is an anagram of "run by greedy c-unts" ... nearly.

at around the same time, on a weekend lash up with some old school mates one of them out of the blue offered me a job .. i didn't take him seriously at the time as we were both harry shiters and i'd just pushed him in a hedge.

soon it became apparent that "the bank" were bringing in multiple layers of corporate bullshitt and HR induced "touchy feely" cr@p designed to turn blue collar bodyshop workers into "bank - worthy" employees .. ie c-unts, and i decided to start a campaign of naughtiness from within.

my first target was the glossy posters and brochures that seemed to spring up on an regular basis, my personal favourite "defacement" was on a diversity at work poster showing a cross section of window lickers and ethnics employed by the bank and designed to make it look "caring" and "groovy kids" ... i picked the one in reception for maximum impact and next to a mechanised member of staff i simply wrote "token spakko"... whilst scouring this target rich enviroment for further ridicule i noticed one much maligned minority group had been omitted so also wrote "wot no f-ucking gingers" at the bottom ... it was down within an hour never to be peplaced.

my next target was the "group social representative" a right busybody, who's sole function within the company was to tell members of staff how they should spend their time off, and hassle me for charity cash every other f-ucking day, my first run in with her came when i replied to a snotty mail she sent our centre at our lack of participation in the company fancy dress day by pointing out that it's a bit difficult to weld a quarter panel on a ford escort if you're the back end of a pantomime cow and invited her to "get a grip"
in reply to her suggestions for some competitions for a group sports day to raise money for single parent homeless ex lepers from eritrea, i fell back on my colleagues from ARRSE to help me, and culled a number from a thread in best of NAFFI such as "ten kitten bowling"
"dalek curling" and "siamese hide and seek" ... i shortly after got a memo from the area manager, chastising me for my nastiness, and forbidding me to torment her again ... poor lamb.

just after this my mate confirmed that he was in fact serious about the job offer, and would i like to leave my current boring no brainer job to go and work for him for more cash and more fun .... mmmm tough choice .... not.

i was informed shortly afterwards that i was due to face disciplinary proceedings regarding misuse of company computers, but being in the fortunate position of already having a new job it was with a spring in my step and a "f-uck you mate" glint in my eye i attended a "fact finding meeting" attended by my line manager and a rep from HR.
inbetween us on the table was what i initially took to be a script for the film "war and peace" (the directors cut) but it in fact turned out to be a manuscript of all the mails and attachments i had sent or recieved in the last 3 months ... some 2000 all in all which in my defence contained 7 or 8 that were business related.
i was given the opportunity to review this evidence, and started to thumb through this weighty document which contained page after page of hilarity, depravity, ARRSE, the BELM website,jokes, stories, countless mails from moody and cait begging me for sex and the piece de resistance that finished me off was a stitch we played on a mate which resulted in a picture of him naked holding a sign proclaiming "i am am homo"
on seeing this i became literally helpless with mirth much to the bemusement of the leg smacking team, and when asked why, when i knew it was against company policy did i continue to send and recieve these mails all i could squeak through snot bubbles was "because i'm naughty" :D

immediately afterwards i confirmed my new position and the next day i handed in my notice.i was informed that due to this i would not be disiplined for my crimes which i accepted graciously with my best "i couldn't give a f-uck i was off anyway" smile

so, i'm now working my ticket ... not a bad number as i'm effectively bomb proof and am pretty much sitting with my thumb up my ARRSE ... on the web and sending mails ... obviously.

so fellow ARRSErs, tell me about any minor victories .. however small, you've got in against an employer, extra points awarded for level of naughtiness and the size of the corporation you're rebelling against.
I can confirm naughty shortfuze's story, as I had to hide him in my hay barn as the RBS were hunting for him. He's not telling you the full story, however, and omitted the involvement of Thames Valley Police as he was implicated in a Dwarf Porn Ring based around Tring. I think you deserve an arrse medal mate.
SF. You cnut. That was the funniest post I've read in ages. I need new trousers now.


War Hero
Fcukin brilliant post, loved the "token spakko" bit :lol:
bad bad person :lol: :lol: :lol: :twisted:
few years ago had a run in with my ex boss, i wouldnt buy any cocaine off him, he thought i was gonna grass him up so contrived to get me faired from my £650 a week job . Imagine his twitchy arse when 2 years later he is sent to prison and on his 1st day he meets me in my new job as a prison officer . I didnt have to say or do anything just look at him squirm every day. Priceless


In my old job, after the German mangement stopped Xmas bonuses, the boss came round asking what we got for Xmas. One of my team, ex-RA, said "well my wife gave me a gas mask with a tube so that I could smell my own farts", as the boss looked shocked the team member said "if you don't like the answer don't ask the question!"

Latest Threads