My story on ARRSE Grapes

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by bitterandtwisted, Apr 17, 2008.

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  1. Did you know that 8 out 10 people suffer with haemorrhoids? So what do the other 2 people do – enjoy it? Fecking weirdoes!!! I must admit I had the feckers once whilst I was on holiday in the USA. I was on a catamaran off to Key West for a few days with my sister, that’s when it went horribly Peter Tong. My ronson was like a Blood orange – I feel sorry for sausage jockeys who have to put up with that, more added agony! Anyway the feckers burst whilst I was on the boat, and my hoop was like jammie dodger, I rammed up 42 rolls of bog paper up my brown eye and came out the bog looking rather pasty! My sister/mother clocked that I was whiter than a sheet, and asked me what the matter was; I just replied that I felt like Michael Barrymore who had been royhipnoled at Brattie bangers convention. My sister pissed herself laughing – whereas mother was more sympathetic. I thought I was gonna faint with the blood loss, not funny! Anyway got a few gin n’ tonics down me to subside the pain. We decided to go for meal then down the main street and hit a few bars. We walked into the duty sloppy joes and there was a band on, I went into the bog and to check my hoop admin to see that it looked like id had been pulled through with razorwire. Anyway my sister in her infinite wisdom decides to go up to the band and request fecking ring of fire by Johnny cash, my brother in law was pissing himself laughing, I just fecking died with embarrassment ........... but after 9 gallons of anusol – the b@stards were squared away, the pharmacy on that holiday made a feckin fortune out of me. :evil:
  2. '82 Port San Carlos, dillhole looking like a French vineyard, more grapes than a fukcing greengrocers. Bit of a walk infront, no preparation H for about 8000 miles.

    Emp. Mong. Those grapes are gonna rupture mate.

    Me. WTF do you suggest?

    Emp. Mong. You still got that bottle of Brut in yer bergan?

    Never been bothered since, burnt the fukcers of, cauterized the starfish, been grape free ever since. Mind you, I walked like John Inman for weeks.
  3. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    The hoop grapes thread, this could run and run or just hang around!
  4. Sooner or later this threads gonna end up in the arrsehole...

    ..[buttons up coat]
  5. Not sure why, but i'm laughing my socks off! Cheered me up no end!!! :lol:
  6. As newly qualified medics MA3 we were sent to Military Hospitals (when we had some) for clinical training which meant we did all the sh1te jobs the nurses hated one of which was pre theatre shaves prior to surgery. One young lad was sent to prep a guy told to shave nipple to knee front and back off he went with a fist full of disposable razors 10 mins later screams from the treatment room, in rush all the ward staff to be faced with a scene from the Texas chainsaw massacre blood every where.

    The young medic had obliged with the shave including the dangle berries which bled like fu@k, when asked what have you done the young lad replied sorry I just thought they were Klingon's, Two things came out of this the surgen who was summoned to inspect the damage was happy with the result a bit of a tidy up he should be fine, when he left the treatment room he was heard to say "that young lad will go far in this Corps". Secondly I have never been able to Watch Star trek without a smile on my face.
  7. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    I got deep in the sh1t (scuse pun) with the missus the other night. There I was, angling down for some pre-main-event muff action and clocked that she'd got a nice set ripening around her starfish.

    I'm nothing if not helpful, so in between a mouthful of pubes, I happily said "Hey darling, guess what . . . ."

    "mmmmmm baby, what?"

    "You've got a great set of rhoyds popping out of your arrse you know"

    A mouthful of pubes was all I got that night.
  8. You should have said nothing and popped them back inside for her.
  9. No, too much information again!!!! :x Biped I trust you are now getting the full silent treatment!

    Enjoy it while it lasts :wink:
  10. Biped dont ever take post in the diplomatic sector of the Army - you be doomed....
  11. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    I Have some really pants wetting tales about a TA lad I knew, later when I have the time, it takes ages to tell just from the laughing.
  12. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    I was only trying to help!!! You'd think she'd be bloody grateful (or at least, I would).

    If I had a lump on me nuts, I'd appreciate her telling me mid-gobble, but it certainly wouldn't stop me spaffing me load - only to show my gratitude you understand.
  13. I thought I had a nasty case of chefs arrse coming on until the bastard burst , soaked right through my overalls, no-one even bothered to tell me until they had got pictures of it :D never living that one down... :lol:

  14. Shouldn't that read grapeful
  15. You old romantic you :D