my new business venture

after sounding out several ARRSERS of sound mind (honest) i've come up with a business venture that CANNOT fail and will see me and my partners millionaires ...

ladies and gentleman i give you "shortfuses mong hunting ranch and country club"

i intend to run it along the lines of an african safari, with the mongs roaming freely and feeding naturally on ice cream and liqidised food, and categorised into "species" from the "a bit dim" to the fully badged "grins at the dentists" and sectioned off into makeshift herds

a weekend shoot will consist of some training in the firearms used and a few pot shots at some quadraplegics to get your eye in.

the main event will be the "stalk and shoot" which depending on the season (on foot for normal mongs quad bikes and .50's for mechanised mongs) will be 3 hours in the morning, lunch on the estate and a further 3 hours in the afternoon, weather permitting.

if foul weather stops the outdoor a bevvy of indoor ones will replace them.

the "clay retard shooting" in the main hanger consists of a trebuchet and catch net (we dont harm the targets unnecessarily) or the "bonkers conkers" using two cranes and mongs in straight jackets ... first head burster wins.

i am open to suggestions ladies and gentlemen on all aspects of this venture from the leisure facilities to the membership details ... so get typing and keep em coming :D
One for a rainy day,

Put a mong in a re enforced glass tank. surround the tank with tubs of ice cream, then you can have fun watching the mong go beserk.

Also you could turn into a game and time them to see how long it takes for them to drown on there own drool!!
shortfuse said:
(we dont harm the targets unnecessarily)

Might I suggest that (for an additional fee) you allow your customers to replace the catch net with one made of chicken wire.
You could offer a prize to any trebuchet operator that manages to completely dice a mong in one go?




War Hero
My First Thoughts, resurrected from chat:

1. Mong Great Escape. Put all the captured mongs in a house, wearing different coloured tops and place bets. Lock the doors, but leave one window unlocked. Set light to the house. First one out wins.

2. Mong Chicken. Stand the mong on a railway line, and tell him there's a tub of ice cream on the buffer of the oncoming train!

3. Mong Bombs. I don't know how far the budget will stretch, but how about we buy an old Lancaster, and load the bomb bay with mongs. You could strap Mong-Cams to their heads so you could do a great after action report, complete with video footage. That would go down great in the bar in the evening. MMMMMLLLLLLlllllllaaaaaarrrrr(rrrrr)! [splat] 8)

4. MVBIEDs. You could catch Wheel Chair Mongs (WCMs for clarity)in a net. Once captured, you could load their chairs with Semtex and use them as VBIEDs.
re live those Milan AT live firing days buy going in with full NBC Rig and engaging mechasnised targets in multiple chair groups with the wire guided monster!
Might i suggest different themes you could have in your park, Like a pirates area, or a cowboys area, where the mongs are dressed in appropiate kits, such as in the pirates area they are dressed as a pirate with hat aswell, and you could even arm them with a plastic cutlass, just to make the fight more even, and the normals have to use the weapons of that era to hunt the mongs with?
Sabre said:
Might i suggest different themes you could have in your park, Like a pirates area, or a cowboys area, where the mongs are dressed in appropiate kits, such as in the pirates area they are dressed as a pirate with hat aswell, and you could even arm them with a plastic cutlass, just to make the fight more even, and the normals have to use the weapons of that era to hunt the mongs with?
Hunting mongs in pirate hats with 30 pounder cannon, I like it :twisted:
How about a franchise idea,
Septic baiting, killing redneck yanks/trailer-park trash chavs?
Corporate days for CDS etc Show them what they're now missing being non-operational .
Just a quick question, should I bag a particularly outstanding trophy mong, ie larger head than your typical mong as listed in "Guns and Spazzo" record book, can I have the necessary taxidermy done on the spot? Nothing like resting ones tired feet on a mong skin complete with tastefully recreated MMllllarrrr expression after a hard days work.
yes, reinforced mounting plates for the extra large head trophies is something i've considered, as is drip trays for the residual drool which normally takes upwards of a year to stop flowing from their grinning pumpkins.

another thing i've considered is some form of "mong casino" i was thinking of a life size roulette wheel in which a wheelchair bound grinner will be towed "up to speed" by a motorbike around a wall of death , which has numbered slots in the bottom, with the different colours being made up of alternate baths of old battery acid, or a dog poo/wasps combo, i'm still wotking on how to keep the mong in his alloted bath without him thrashing about and ruining the game.

i shall be giving lessons in "mong tracking" covering all the basics from spotting a simple built up shoe track, to the advanced "which way is the wheelchair going" course.

in winter due to light restrictions the shoot will consist of a more traditional pheasant type shoot with beaters (i tried hitting the bushes to scare them out but they just grin ... so we do actually beat them) and if this doesn't work i park an ice cream van behind the guns to attract them like big MMLLAARRing grinning moths to a flame.

come on lads and lasses i need ideas, ... i'm meeting surrey council this morning to try and blag some land under the premise i'll be doing society a favour ... and they can hardly turn me down they've been rearing and training mongs in surrey for years ... i mean there's sandhurst for starters :D
How about replacing crash test dummies for live windowlickers. Set up a high speed car on a train track facing a reinforced brick wall. Paint black and yellow quartered circles on their nappers for scientific research purposes and then invite guests to press the big red button that sends them hurtling and wailing into the wall. You could have a smile for the birdy camera installed like the have on the big dipper to capture their expressions just before impact
How about ' Extreme Mong Parachuting?

Chuck em out of a plane at 15,000 ft with no parachute, just a couple of balloons (but not ready inflated, they have to blow them up on the way down).

Whichever one lives - wins!
This is a SICK SICK SICK thread......I LUUUURVE IT :lol: :lol:

Is there a lake/pool on your ranch? May I suggest mongs on one side clad in chainmail swimwear, ice cream on the other, and a shed load of old magnetic sea mines gently floating around in the water.
Hmmmm how about a small 'fun fair' section of the ranch? For the kids or something.

We could have mong bumpers, but instead of standard bumper cars. The mongs are in their own electrical mong chariot but are surrounded by inflated balloons. This serves two purposes
1) the mong cannot see where it is going
2) the reaction of said mong when it bumps into another mong chariot with balloons would be AMAZING! There would be an immense amount of spittle, mllllaaarrring and an incredible involuntary movement (maybe producing some maps of Africa, who knows!)

We could actually modify the 'bumper chariots' so that they are remote controlled, turning it from a spectator sport into something we can all play!

edited to add I have surprised myself with my own depravity.....
How about Mong Stunt riding. Only to save costs, instead of riding a motor bike jumping through flaming hoops (not in the naafi after a few bevvies) they could be set on fire and just run along jumping over obstaces.
You could expand the costumes idea -

Agincourt Mong - sit the Mlaar on a horse (hobby type, not Dutch porn star type) and fire arrows at him while giving him the Vs.

Joan of Arc - dress Mlaar in dress, tie him to a stake and burn him.

Caveman - dress dribbling one in a leopard skin loin cloth and pull his head off with a crane mounted grabbing implement (representing a T-Rex)

Ulster, 1981 - leave Mlaar to smear himself in his own sh*t for a bit, then fire D-Type batteries at him with a riot gun.
...or worse!

Instead of humping a 5ft 'telegraph pole' around with you when you're on Disciplinary Duties, the Offending Soldier should have to feed and water a pet mong (who throws a tantrum every five minutes unless you pat his head).

QED, we should therefore have a 'Mong Rack' in the Guard Room...and hand them over after each duty. (

the 'Standard Issue Mong' or 'Mong:For The Use Of'; could double up as an 'Attack Mong' or 'IED Mong' in times of conflict.

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