My neighbour, the miserable old witch.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Ravers, Mar 22, 2010.

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  1. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    My next door neighbour is a right stroppy old cuntbag.

    Since we moved in three years ago, she has never once acknowledged my or my wife's presence. I always try to be courteous and polite and I always say hi to her whenever I see her. She always just grunts or ignores me completely.

    Anyway, last year I jazzed up my garden with some new plants, a nice decking with LEDs inlaid into it and a simple 'lean to' shelter for my tools, bike etc. Within a few weeks of said structure going up I had a snotogram from the council demanding I take it down as it breached the terms of my lease apparently.

    Being the stubborn fucker that I am, I fought tooth and nail with the cunts and eventually they fucked off and left me alone, realising that I wasn't breaking any rules. During one of their visits I managed to find out that it was my snotty cunt of a neighbour who had complained in the first place because she didn't like the look of the shelter.

    Anyway I digress, since we moved in we have had a pretty bad damp problem in our back room, I always just assumed it was due to the age of the building and we have had two courses of damp proofing put in to combat it with little result. The council surveyor who came to inspect my shelter had a look at it and it appears that my neighbour's guttering is directing the flow of rainwater onto my back wall, causing the damp. The council said they would deal with this matter.

    After a few months of cuntbag refusing to answer the council's letters and ignoring me when I try to speak to her, I was left with little choice but to wedge a couple of tea towels into her gutter in order to stop the water flowing onto my wall. It worked and this winter just gone was the first that we have had no mould growing in the spare room. This is testament to the fact that her gutter is causing it.

    Unfortunately, given yesterday's good weather, she was in her garden and has found the cloths, removing them and throwing them over the fence into my garden.

    It has now gone past the stage of asking her nicely to fix her drain and the council are fcuking useless, therefore I am left with the following options:

    1. Take her to court and make her fix the gutter and pay for my damp proofing and re-decorating. This is not ideal as I would have to explain why I wedged the cloths into her gutter and I can't really be arsed with all the hassle of legal costs etc.

    2. Wedge more cloths in the gutter and hope she doesn't notice. Eventually she will notice though and it will open up a can of worms.

    3. Go to the council who take years to do anything. To be honest I'd rather leaves these fuckwits out of it completely.

    4. Wage war on the cunt and begin a slow and torturous campaign of subtle psychological warfare on her. Fuck the damp problem this will be much more fun.

    Anyone got any sensible or not so sensible advice?
  2. Apologies for being sensible but you'd probably find it cheaper, quicker and less stressful just to pay for her guttering to be put in order.
  3. Court. There's no point messing about. Get your solicitor on the case. I can suggest one near you who has been very useful to me.
  4. Add a small bag of cement to the end of the gutter.

    If that doesn't work then dig up the patio and dig a largish hole, top the neighbour and dispose of evidence in the hole.

    Hope this helps
  5. Belay that sensible answer this is the NAAFI!

    Option 4 - you bloody know it makes sense!

    Has she got a pet? They're usually quite good targets/aides in the war.
  6. cut her phones lines, they will show her!
  7. Dont leave her doorstep till she answers the door. I had to do that to deal with my neighbour upstairs who flooded out my kitchen. Say you will fix the gutter if she pays for the materials, then she knows you are going to do a good job of it, its within both your interests to get it sorted.

    Failing that, leave it to the council.
  8. Collect the water from the overflow and pour it back through her letterbox in the middle of the night?
  9. If her guttering mysteriously fell down in the middle of the night would this solve the problem as either the water will no longer be directed at your wall or she will have to put up new guttering which would also result in the water being directed away from the wall.

    The predicatable shit under the door handles, maggots and meat through the letter box on a hot day when she has gone away for the week nd, bleach can either wreck the grass or car paint, "Peado" spray painted across the front door, are all illegal so dont do it.
  10. Are you trying to be subtle, another f*cking shed thread? :D
  11. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    I've thought about that. Since the cnut won't even say hello to me in the street, I feel starting up a conversation and offering to do this might be a little hard.

    I like the burying under the patio idea. I'm not sure if she has any pets, my hard as nails cat tends to fcuk off any other creatures that make the mistake of venturing too close.
  12. In the NAAFI? You might as well go ahead and say 'Jehovah', now.

    Psychological torture, all the way. Don't restrict it to the neighbour, either. Make sure that you camp out in the council's inbox with a running commentary on everything she does which steps even remotely out of line. Quote their Anti-Social Behaviour policy to them at every opportunity and generally make it less troublesome for them to wind the cow in than to keep responding to you.

    It would be a good idea to get the company that carries your buildings insurance involved as well. They'll likely want it fixed before it causes a massive claim and will help you lean on the relevant parties. Just make sure that you document every attempt you've made to get it sorted amicably so that they can't fob you off.

    Oh, P.S. - Jehovah. :wink:
  13. And build a shed on it...!
  14. Cut three feet or so off the offending gutter so it pours the water onto her wall.
    Either she has to get it fixed or its no longer your problem anyway.
  15. As I read your thread I was thinking exactly the same as this guy, so why not ask her in front of a neighbour who maybe she relates to better if you can fix the problem.

    If she fu(ks you off smash the guttering to pieces so it just runs all over her house for a change and when she complains refuse to say anything but gettefu(k ye witch and see how she likes it.