My Mate Steve needs help

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by OMD80, Oct 19, 2007.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. My mate Steve has asked my advice on particular problem involving a lady.

    The problem: Steve works in an open planned office and see's her walk by quite often. Now he admits this might be to go to the bog or make a brew, or both, however he is certain she has checked him out. He has her at least 100 times.

    Now I not to clear how I may advise my mate Steve. As we both work in the same office and the equal opportunities issues are huge here. If he just goes and asks her, he may well be in the Shite.

    So your pearls of wisdom please, does he just risk it and ask her out or does cut to it and ask for a shag?
     
  2. demand a shag
    not ask
    asking shows him as weak
    if she turns him down she must be gay

    well thats the system I work on
     
  3. He walks up to her and the conversation should be as follows:

    Steve "Tonight, you and I are going to have sex"

    Bint "What makes you say that?"

    Steve "Because I'm bigger, and stronger than you are" ;)
     
  4. Now, young Steve (you are Steve aren't you!) I might be old fashioned, but usually starting with a friendly chat at tea break followed later by a casual offer of going for a drink will guage any real interest from the young lady. Asking outright if she's up for a sh@g will, 9 times out of ten get you a slap in the grid and a complaint to the boss.

    Slowly, slowly catchee monkee!
     
  5. Oh, and it's not called Rape anymore, that's not PC.

    It's now "suprise sex" :)
     
  6. next time she goes to the crapper, bag over the head (hers obviously) and bang her back doors in, in cubicle 3...no, no 4, 3 doesn't work any more...no...oh sh1t...got to go...bye.
     
  7. Does your mate Steve keep a hessian sack, length of rope and a small digging spade in the boot of his car?
     
  8. Excuse me Miss, do you like chicken?

    Why yes.

    Then suck on me cock, its fowl.


    ....... should do the trick
     
  9. If she's strutting about by herself in the man's world of work, she's obviously a prostitute brought in to boost morale. So no problems there.

    He should ask her if she takes Luncheon Vouchers.
     
  10. In the unlikely even he ever gets lucky (consenting or otherwise) get your mate to write his name and number on her chest in lipstick and post a photo here.
     
  11. Great idea people can ring her, thus allowing her to improve those all-important social skills.
     
  12. Start of with a compliment: "Hi...you smell nice, what have you got on?"
    hopefully she will respond with a brand of perfume and return the compliment i.e "what have you got on?" that's when you release the 'Dogs of War" with the killer line " A hard on, but i didn't think you could smell it!"
     
  13. Actually it is now an USE (unplanned sexual event).
     
  14. Thanks!!! I’ve just sprayed coffee over my PC at the exact moment the hot lady walked by, she now thinks I’m, sorry Steve is mad.
     
  15. ask her if she knows the difference between a chicken leg and a penis, if she say no, ask her if she wants to go on a picnic.

    worked for me once

    honest