My Hoop & its Carbon Footprint.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Furryturd, Nov 27, 2009.

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  1. Ye verily I am suffering and contributing to greenhouse gasses at a level that would shame China and should lead to the immediate issuance of a fatwa against Lloyd Grossman were their any natural justice in the world.

    Last night The Spousal Unit went to bed early with non specific unwellness which threw out all the plans for the evening meal. I did not fancy a takeaway but did fancy a curry so I scooted as fast as my little fat legs would carry me to Somerfield for some chicken breasts.

    As the hour was getting late and because I managed to stop at the pub on the way to Somerfield there was only time to make a jar of sauce curry rather than a real from scratch ricker-wrecker.

    I have always loathed Lloyd Grossman and now I loath him even more.

    I consumed the curry, with lime pickle and a packet of Sharwood’s Poppadoms together with half a bottle of red wine and two pints of my home brewed stout. I would point out that the jar said “serves 4” but I can assure you nobody else got near it and I even kicked the plate clean afterwards.

    This morning I find myself emitting several cubic feet of gas per hour. It is hot, damp and remarkably fragrant. Having earlier dropped my guts in the car I got back in a few minutes ago and had to open the windows. The dog will not come into my office and is sitting at the top of the stairs looking like a well gassed kurd and the place is freezing because I have had to open all the windows.

    So, brothers, should you wish to alienate all at work or yours Spousal Unit I can heartily recommend Lloyd Grossman’s Madras Sauce.
  2. And of course this had absolutley NOTHING to do with the 2 pints of home brew (and probably rather potent !!) stout that you consumed...... ?

    either way good effort !! That'll teach the dog in future !! Revenge is sweet !
  3. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    I've developed a penchant for ready-meal Chicken Korma, which I consume for lunch every day, sometimes twice.

    I've now got callouses on my hoop and the air is frequently rent by the sound of skin violently being flapped, with the ensuing cries of 'gark, gack you fcuker' from my staff.

    I'm trying to stick to my new tasty diet purely out of bl00dy mindedness, but I fear my hoop will give way before I do.
  4. My hoop is currently trying to support my japs eye, by doing a rather good imitation of the Japenese flag.
    All week I've had dodgy guts resulting in sprints to the bog to relieve the watery mess that is emitting out of my arse quicker than the water level is rising in Cockermouth. I daren't fart in case I blow out the seat of my trousers with a liquidy shot blast of feaces. :oops:
    I blame it all on the dodgy meal I had Sunday at the sister-in-laws. They decided to try & be posh by serving us duck inside a turkey, with pork wrapped around it. All sounds quite nice, until they mentioned it was bought in Aldi's. Fucking Aldi's! And it was only £6 they said. Like that was good thing. I spent all Sunday night on the karzy. I was off work Monday & Tuesday as I couldn't manage to be more than 5 steps away from the shitter. And the bastard thing has hung around all week. I've only now just returned from another trip to trap 1.

    By my estimations, which are wildly inaccurate, I've lost nearly half a stone in weight this week.
    Slimfast, Kellogs Cornflakes, Atkins diet, I shit 'em. Literally at the moment.
  5. For maximum spicy damage, consider losing the rice and serving your botty-warmer on a bed of very finely shredded and steamed white cabbage!! Its bloody lovely and guarantees you'll be capable of clearing a small town centre with one tiny guff! That of course makes Xmas shopping MUCH easier so....

    1 you save oodles of calories
    2 one of your '5 a day'
    3 clear the town so no getting stuck behind Fat Tracy and her 9 kids by different dad's
    4 pick of the shops, easy peasy, keeps you onside with She who must be obeyed!
    5 and as a triple Mac bonus, pulling the quilt over the sleeping partners head is certain to cause ACTUAL nasal burns!

    Cabbage...its a winner every way!
  6. I had a similar experience last week. I was at a loss as to what I fancied for lunch until I spotted a tin of mackerel in tomato sauce in the larder.

    As mackerel in tomato is boring beyond belief, and smells like something the dog would roll in, I decided to spice it up somewhat.

    Two teaspoonsful of madras curry paste, two heaped tablespoonfuls of sambal oelek, a good shaking of madras curry powder, and a good sized blob of curry ketchup were duly added, then the whole mess was thoroughly mixed before being served on toast.

    Apart from slight pain in the mouth, and farts that were both eye wateringly rancid, and frought with the danger of involuntary excretion, this was a fantastic snack which beats the curried mackerel you can buy into a cocked hat. Highly recommended!
  7. I know that it is known as following through when it follows a fart but what is the technical term for depositing a small shyte in your kecks then spreading it thinly across M&S finest cotton trunks with a resounding guff?

    By the way, that is what I have just done so I'm off for a wipe.
  8. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    Asda's own brand Vindaloo sauce is very good at making ring sting the next day,even better if you throw in oodles of onions & spinach (I use the ready frozen stuff) to give extra botty gas!
    Last one I made had me trouser trumping every 5 minutes for hours!Daisy the Cat would'nt come anywhere near me....
  9. Its called wheel spinning :D
  10. squeekingsapper

    squeekingsapper LE Reviewer

    Not heard that one. We used to call it sharting (combination of two words) or a speedway corner
  11. I recently went through a really terrible farting spell of glutinous viscosity of the very adhesive type. I tried to sneak one out in Morrisons, but only succeeded in tamping it down to a blast of mack 5 proportion and an instant sinus clearing
    miasma, leaving shoppers gagging, as I sort of waddled off with clenched hoop to the gents. The only thing that could have caused it, was trying out some Stute Diabetic Marmalade, which I thought might help the old weight control whilst piling it on the brekkie toast. All I can say is, if you're diabetic and use this stuff, God help your poor fuckin' ricker, not to mention family.