My grandad.

#1
My grandad said "it's going to be a nightmare this winter with this flu outbreak"
I said "tell me something I don't know"
grandad replied "ok, your Grans arse can take my whole fist"
 
#3
Now that was amusing!

Here's another;

"Now I know why it's called a funny bone.....I've just elbowed a Paki in the face and it was funny as fuck"
 

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