My girlfriend keeps sticking her finger up my bum!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Dashing_Chap, Feb 12, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Hello chaps!

    Been a while, hasn’t it? I’m currently porking a right squiffy blonde thing who loves it up the bum, only probs is that she demands rights to mine too! She was noshing me off from the front when all of a sudden she stuffed her long finger up my hoop to knuckle depth. I must confess this is a very undignified position for any young chap to find himself in, notwithstanding that it felt ruddy marvellous! :lol: Not that I would eer.. admit that though of course.

    The main problem tho was a few days later when I was answering a call of nature, I couldn’t help but notice slight bleeding around the area, I initially thought it would go away but it’s been going on for at least a month & a half now! She must have done some damage with her fingernails & caused internal bleeding. What should I do in these circumstances? I could go to the local GUM clinic but the quack is a rather camp black chap & I’m terrified he’ll bend me over & have a good poke with some marigolds, what if I enjoy that too!? I fear I have little choice in the matter, it is either that or face an ignominious fate.

    Help! 8O

    ~D.C.
     
  2. I had a bird finger my hoop in Germany. Felt ok, considering. And no, I wouldn't consider anything larger up my arrse in a million years!
     
  3.  
  4. you mean you wouldnt let her grease up her strap on and slip you a length? you havent lived!
     
  5. Command_doh

    Command_doh LE Book Reviewer

    Fcuk off Thrashing Cnut, nobody believes a word you say, hence your well deserved 02 tag.

    Die painfully.
     
  6. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    DC you should marry her, birds like that don't come around too often.

    See if you can get her to tongue your date.
     
  7. Is that an offer big boy?? ;)
     
  8. Not long enough.
     
  9. It's simple. You're a crap shag and she wants it to be over faster than the normal 30 seconds so that she can get down and dirty with the spin dryer and copy of Men's Health.
     
  10. meridian

    meridian LE Good Egg (charities)

    The thing is DC its a slippery slope, yes you might be getting a thrill out of it now but mark my words, it will end in tears, yours that is

    It starts with a finger, then she will be progressing to a dollop of lube and a pair of fingers or the odd thumb. Before you know it you are going to be her bitch, spreading you man flaps whilst she rides you like Red Rum. They say you can milk anything and one day you will catch her Googling prostate milking

    This experience will end with an unpleasant moment when she loses a vibrator 'upstairs' because of your rectal orgasm reflex sucks it out of her lubed up fingers.

    Lots of guilt, fumbling with tea spoons and other home made speculum substitutes before shi1tting it out in a colon straining session squatting above the toilet rim.







    Trust me, think twice before continuing :D
     
  11. only if youre a dirty bird with a strap on and an amazing collection of lingerie!
     
  12. That long after her little digital penetration I would doubt if it caused the bleeding. Probably just a simple case of colon cancer. If it hasn't spread a colostomy should fix it.
     
  13. Oh that can’t be true old boy, I’m like a mountain lion! Well, a tabby perhaps… She’s with me for my boyish charm & dashed good looks. It certainly can’t be for my money, I’ve spent it all on her!



    Do you speak from experience sir or private research :? I’m rather more concerned about my bleeding botty than anything else, to meet one’s fate as a result of a vigorous fingering is hardly very gallant.

    Yours &c.

    ~D.C.
     
  14. One way traffic - all outbound you queer
     
  15. She ain't only your girlfriend and the sooner you pay her the sooner she'll stop :D Ask her to put bepanthen on her fingers :p