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My friend Maloney, Swears like a sentry...


Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
I had to learn a poem at school which I've now forgotten most of and Google does not recognize. If anyone knows the rest or who it was by I'd be grateful. Infact if anyone confirms that its not a figment of my imagination...

Pretty sure these are the first 2 lines and then some other fragments:

My friend Maloney, swears like a sentry,
Got in trouble a few years back with the local gentry,

Squire and parson's son had a word with the magistrate who fixed him proper.

Maloney, son of the town whore....

Maloney in a sharp suit fistful of dollars....


Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Funnily enough I've just found the name of the author: Charles Causley and the first two verses:

My friend Maloney, eighteen,
Swears like a sentry,
Got into trouble two years back,
With the local gentry.

Parson and squire's sons,
Informed a copper.
The magistrate took one look at Maloney,
Fixed him proper.

However I still can't find the rest of the poem on the interweb. This guy was a major English poet of the 20/21st Century and yet all of his works have not yet gone digital. I'm not sure if thats a good thing or not.
My friend Maloney
by Charles Causley

My friend Maloney, eighteen,
Swears like a sentry
Got into trouble two years ago
With the local gentry.

Parson and squire’s sons
Informed a copper.
The magistrate took one look at Maloney,
Fixed him proper.

Talked of the crime of youth,
The innocent victim.
Maloney never said a blind word
To contradict him.

Maloney of Gun Street,
Back of the Nuclear Mission,
Son of the town whore,
Blamed television.

Justice, as usual, triumphed.
Everyone felt fine.
Things went deader.
Maloney went up the line.

Maloney learned one lesson:
Never play the fool
With the products of especially a minor
Public school.

Maloney lost a thing or two
At that institution.
First shirt, second innocence,
The old irresolution.

Found himself a girlfriend,
Sharp suit, sharp collars.
Maloney on a moped,
Pants full of dollars.

College boys on the corner
In striped, strait blazers
Look at old Maloney,
Eyes like razors.

‘You don’t need talent,’ says Maloney,
‘You don’t need looks.
All I got you got, fellers.
You can keep your thick books.’

Parson got religion,
Squire, in the end, the same.
The magistrate went over the wall.
‘Life,’ said Maloney, ‘’s a game.’

Consider then the case of Maloney,
College boys, parson, squire, beak.
Who was the victor and who was the victim?

In Charles Causley: Collected Poems 1951 - 2000, published by Picador. I learnt it at school too.
Baffles me to fcuk how some people find & dredge up old threads to whack an update onto.

As for things ARRSE doesn't know.....how about the publication date of the third Eddie Nugent book......hmmm

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