My first skiff.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Izaak., May 16, 2006.

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  1. It has long since been a dream of mine , since reading about the joys of poo-lip , to carry out my own such mission.

    Recently , while on camp at Waterbeach air field with college , operation; "Skiff my mate" was executed.

    Not holding the greatest sandards for anal clealiness the outcome was alreaddy looking great , added to the "melt your teath" tempratre that we had all been running around in sweating profusely , i was sure of a "chuck your lunch" out come.

    It was after dark that i had planed to carry out the evil deed , and so , using the cover of the night i pushed a uneasy finger between my sweaty cheeks , pulling forth a great pile of my finest brown.
    Using my best goast walking technique i approched the target who was sitting idally by our fire , i even went as far as aproching down wind so the smell from the beast on my finger would not be detected untill the last moment.

    With a leap and a great cry of "SKIFF!" I pounced upon my prey , smearing his upper lit utterly.

    I started dancing and giving myself a nice patt on the back [with my clean hand i might add.]

    Before my world was torn down.

    My skiff had been foiled. :cry:

    firstly , we had all been wearing Cam paint , and my said target hand a thick smearing all over , this i was later told had stoped all poo traces from reaching contact with his skin and as such , no poo was able to stick , well shaved or no.

    My second down fall was the fire he was sitting by , holding his face towards the fire , smoke was filling his nose , and so not even a pinch of a wisp of my butt was waved in his direction.

    I almost cryed as i cleaned my finger [ 3 wet wipes and still it had a lingering smell ]
    I am gutted by my total downfall , but not disheartened.

    One thing however was noted on the debrief , if had shouted "SUGAR!" rather than my slightly more direct battle cry , he would have licked his lips , Which wouldn't have ben a total loss.

    Operation "Skiff my mate properly." is being planed , and this time i'll get the sod in college , in class if needed. :twisted:

    Are there any Skiff Veterans willing to disclose some secrets to an almost skiff virgin ?

    [Edited for retard spelling.]
  2. yeh, here i am, the victim. theres no way im going to be had again, if a trace of whacking excrement touches my lip you'll pay with the largest dose of fish sauce the world has ever seen. the smell from the sauce was bad enough then, imagine it now as its had time to fester in the heat of my bag (not ball bag by the way)
  3. Aww, isn't this cute? Did you two cuddle up inside your doss-bags afterwards?

    This story is the poo-tache equivalent to someone pathetically blowing their wad in their undercrackers the night they're supposed to be breaking their duck

    The trick is not to call "Skiff" prior to the attack, but to make it simultaneously as you wipe. And take the time to eat a meal that you know is guaranteed to give you the mud-butt. (I myself prefer a pasta with a thick roasted garlc ragu to give the kack a cheeky tomato-ey tang or alternatively an abundance of cauliflower for that "dead cat" stench.)

    Keep trying, you'll get better.
  4. you heard the man, if i can call him that (with the ideas of curling up together) you should pratice skiffing, just not on me. sorted
  5. Hoo Hoo! What jolly japes from the OTC..

    Keep trying

  6. Just the fact that you would dare to ask the question betrays your inexperience in the way of the skiff.

    It's not something that can be taught, like your current college course in drama and dancing. Skiffing skills are learned, by osmosis. If Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton, then skiffing champs were trained on the tank parks of BAOR and in the LAD's of UKLF. To compare your skiff with a full on delivery to the gringo 'tache of a colleague by a REME fitter with dubious personal hygiene, is to compare Robbie Savage to Pele.

    If your heart is truly in it, your path from here is long. You will need to do the following, ignoring the protests of those with your best interests at heart,

    Drop out of college immediately, resigning from the UOTC by handing in all your kit, carried in your beret.
    Refuse to associate with any of your former peers. People called Seth and Henrietta will only hold you back, as you search for the perfect skiff.
    Apply to join the Army, insisting on the trade "Buckshee Tom"
    Stay quiet throughout training, lest your educated accent gives you away as an interloper, and exposes you to the prospects of a frightening paggering
    Adopt a strong regional accent and learn to swear at least twice in every sentence.
    Spend three years at your first working unit, silently observing any skiff activity that occurs. NEVER attempt to skiff, simply observe. If you are a victim of a more senior skiffer, simply accept the experience as part of your learning curve, savouring the sight and smell of your lip adornment.
    When the observer's apprenticeship is complete, you are ready to attempt your first skiff.
    This must never be done on a hard target. All toms with anything more than six months experience are extremely skiff aware. The points accruable from pulling it off on someone who is skiff aware are a temptation, but folly lies on that path. You WILL be caught. You WILL be beaten up. You WILL be singled out for every skiff for the next year by any skiffer worth his salt.
    On your first attempt, only skiff those who lie in a booze induced coma. Targets are not hard to come by, and their unconscious state renders you uncatchable. Use the opportunity to develop your style. There are those who adopt a cavalier approach, swishing their ming-finger like a sabre. Personally I consider this effete and have always adopted a more workmanlike approach. With a target such as the one described, I would press my right hand firmly on to his forehead, so that I could keep him still whilst I drag my digit back and forth as if I was trying to saw his teeth off. I would empty my finger, then dip back into my brown inkpot for a quick replen, before going in again, taking care to get right into the nostrils. My style is less flamboyant or aesthetically pleasing, but delivers a far higher 'honk per skiff' ratio.

    I've just described skiffing in it's most basic terms. The above is the equivalent of being able to do five press ups or write your name.

    You have dipped your toe into a shark infested pool, my friend.

    It's for you to decide on the path you take, but I get the feeling that you'll be pretending to be a tree with your friends this very afternoon at double drama. Don't be downhearted, skiffing isn't for everyone. I look forward to seeing you in the chorus line of Starlight Express.
  7. Izaak..
    Why don't you just sh1t in his gob when he's asleep and be done with it..............
  8. alright, in other threads literally everythings been covered on how to skiff, its a wealth of information out there. in saying this though, the art of protecting yourself from a skiff has never been brought up. please, gentleman, may you enlighten this poor civvy underling on ways i might protect myself from your superior attacks on the hygeine of my upper lip...
  9. bo11ocks to it, what do you think of these suggestions:
    1.clingfilm on the upper lip, simply peel off when skiffed
    2.plaster on the lip, again, peel off
    3.heavy dose of face paint
    4.have a constant sweat on, the make shift tash should be easier to rid yourself of.
  10. UOTC- cant we have a seperate site for them, not quite the same sense of humour as real soldiers!! Wannabes!
  11. Some might say this is going too far, but the ultimate anti skiff technique would be to cut off your top lip. Don't throw it away though, keep it stuck on your face with sticky back plastic during the day, and simply remove it at night. I'm pretty sure it's been on Blue Peter before.
  12. Perhaps we could try for a multi-skiff? :twisted:
  13. Convoy - Thank you for your heartfelt advice , since reading your reply i have indeed planned to leave college , as i type this my Army application is being processed.
    You have changed my life and i can now see my own self worth [ or lack of ]
    I live for the perfect skiff.

    Crabtastic - There was a "load blowing" event , but thats another story. :oops:

    Ronnie - I am but a poor civi in the process of joining the army [ see Convoys advice. ]
  14. Also on this gay outing, I think it would be a good time to mention the sudden bowel movements induced on another of our colleagues.

    Pot Noodle + Laxatives = ?

    I believe the answer to be fun.
  15. christ, us college students with our military pot noodles on our highly classified resedential troops. arent we a bunch of zany and mad chaps, hi ho