My first assault

#1
It is with great pleasure I can announce that my assault cherry has been popped. I went round to the cash machine to lift some notes so I could pay for my takeaway and instead ended up with a fat lip and a very sore arm.

A group of 6-7 18-20 year olds took an interest in how shiny my bank card was and decided they wanted one just like it, fortunatley the cash machine wasnt working otherwise they would have made off with my money too :(

I knew things were bad round here but not to the point a guy would be assaulted for nothing more than having a shiny bank card...

waiting on the police still... might be a long night.
 
#2
colton said:
It is with great pleasure I can announce that my assault cherry has been popped. I went round to the cash machine to lift some notes so I could pay for my takeaway and instead ended up with a fat lip and a very sore arm.

A group of 6-7 18-20 year olds took an interest in how shiny my bank card was and decided they wanted one just like it, fortunatley the cash machine wasnt working otherwise they would have made off with my money too :(

I knew things were bad round here but not to the point a guy would be assaulted for nothing more than having a shiny bank card...

waiting on the police still... might be a long night.
Why are you wasting time posting that, surely it should of been a trip home for the 3 wood and crash helmet, down half a bottle of vodka to numb the pain, then go charles bronson on the fuckers!
 
#4
Word of advice. Don't involve the police. They'll end up stitching you up with something. Seriously, keep off Plod radar. They're only interested in getting you on their database and to tick a box on one of their result stats.
Best idea, drive round until you spot one of them, follow him. Make sure he's alone and wrap a length of rubber hose round the back of his head. Then treat his knees and the soles of his feet to similar treatment. Tie him up in a carpet, bundle him out the back of a van into the ditch of a country lane forty or fifty miles out in the middle of nowhere.
You'll feel a sense of achievement that way.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#5
colton said:
my assault cherry has been popped.

A group of 6-7 18-20 year olds
NikNakManiac said:
Word of advice. Don't involve the police. They'll end up stitching you up with something. Seriously, keep off Plod radar. They're only interested in getting you on their database and to tick a box on one of their result stats.
Best idea, drive round until you spot one of them, follow him. Make sure he's alone and wrap a length of rubber hose round the back of his head. Then treat his knees and the soles of his feet to similar treatment. Tie him up in a carpet, bundle him out the back of a van into the ditch of a country lane forty or fifty miles out in the middle of nowhere.
You'll feel a sense of achievement that way.
Did you two go to the same school?
 
#6
colton said:
It is with great pleasure I can announce that my assault cherry has been popped. I went round to the cash machine to lift some notes so I could pay for my takeaway and instead ended up with a fat lip and a very sore arm.

A group of 6-7 18-20 year olds took an interest in how shiny my bank card was and decided they wanted one just like it, fortunatley the cash machine wasnt working otherwise they would have made off with my money too :(

I knew things were bad round here but not to the point a guy would be assaulted for nothing more than having a shiny bank card...

waiting on the police still... might be a long night.
Where's "round here"?
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#7
bluntslane said:
Where's "round here"?
Somewhere where you can get your 'assault cherry popped'.

I aint got a scoobie what that means, but it sounds sexy. And I bet we could get an internet site out of it.

PM me if you find out where it is, yah?
 
#8
bluntslane said:
colton said:
It is with great pleasure I can announce that my assault cherry has been popped. I went round to the cash machine to lift some notes so I could pay for my takeaway and instead ended up with a fat lip and a very sore arm.

A group of 6-7 18-20 year olds took an interest in how shiny my bank card was and decided they wanted one just like it, fortunatley the cash machine wasnt working otherwise they would have made off with my money too :(

I knew things were bad round here but not to the point a guy would be assaulted for nothing more than having a shiny bank card...

waiting on the police still... might be a long night.
Where's "round here"?
Its over there fella, :arrow:
 
#9
Sinner251 said:
bluntslane said:
colton said:
It is with great pleasure I can announce that my assault cherry has been popped. I went round to the cash machine to lift some notes so I could pay for my takeaway and instead ended up with a fat lip and a very sore arm.
Where's "round here"?
Its over there fella, :arrow:
Rough over there.
 
#13
Having read the title I was hoping for a thread on assaulting the summit of a giant mound of fat fleshy arrse belonging to some 20 stone munter.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#14
Bollock-chops said:
Duke, I think its means he's a never been assaulted type virgin, any self respecting soldier will have fistycuffed everyone in his room. I think its civtalk.
I'm just wondering who gets a second pop at his cherry? Its got to be someone, right? And I havent got much on this weekend.
 
#15
colton said:
A group of 6-7 18-20 year olds took an interest in how shiny my bank card was and decided they wanted one just like it
Your sure it wasn't 18-20 6 -7 year olds?

I think I'm only interested in this story if you served in the Army before 1982.

If you did then I am sorry that one of our old soldier wasn't treated with more respect.
 
#16
colton said:
It is with great pleasure I can announce that my assault cherry has been popped. I went round to the cash machine to lift some notes so I could pay for my takeaway and instead ended up with a fat lip and a very sore arm.
Yeah these new notes are very heavy :wink:
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#17
SUNRAY_MINOR said:
colton said:
A group of 6-7 18-20 year olds took an interest in how shiny my bank card was and decided they wanted one just like it
Your sure it wasn't 18-20 6 -7 year olds?

I think I'm only interested in this story if you served in the Army before 1982.

If you did then I am sorry that one of our old soldier wasn't treated with more respect.
I warn you fair. Do not stand between me and a confused child begging for a dry one up the hoop. Mummy is in the mood for cherry popping. Are we clear?
 
#18
first assault !! fecking gayer. You should have been trading blows at infant school. Getting slapped when you are old enough to own a cash card means you live in a fecking rural idyll
 
#19
colton said:
It is with great pleasure I can announce that my assault cherry has been popped. I went round to the cash machine to lift some notes so I could pay for my takeaway and instead ended up with an empty sack and a very sore arrse.

A group of 18-20 6-7year olds took an interest in how shiny my purple helmet was and decided they all wanted "it", fortunatley the cash machine was working otherwise they would have reported me to the Old Bill ;-)

I knew things were bad round here but not to the point a guy would have to resort to being assaulted for nothing more than having a shiny purple helmet; not that I'm complaining;-)

waiting on the police still... might be a long night they might want to abuse me with their night sticks ;-)
Amendments by me to read what you should have posted as instead of going all Charles Bronson and hurting these toe rags, what do you do?

You run on home and post this drivel.
 
#20
if your still bored waiting in for plod i could pop round and give you your second assault! possibly even snapping your typing finger to save you typing anymore pishy posts
 

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