My Dogs faux paw

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Rocketeer, Jun 10, 2007.

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  1. just aquired a new[ish ] dog.. he's 3 years old, a German Shepard/Labrador cross.. weighs in at about 75 pounds..

    very affectionate and seems to have a thing for girls [ hehehe ] wiggles his ass and wags his tail at them and often jumps up to put paws on their shoulders unnanounced..

    having to learn how to control his shows of affection as not everyone is enamoured of his behaviour

    I say this by way of intro to a situation yesterday when ' walkies'.. Young lassie of nublie proortions approaches and pooch goes into his attraction dance.. she stops to coo and pet him.. -now, I should say that she is wearing the teeniest of tank tops straining to hold in the jubblies and the typical teen attire of low rider jeans..-

    pup does his jump up on the shoulders and tries to lick her face.. she, surprised, steps back.. dog misses and rakes paws down her front, snags the tops of her jeans and pops the button.. down comes trews.. not completely, but enough to reveal pink string thong...young lovely turns away in embarrassment to fix problem giving me full on view of deliciously tight golden globes of butt cheeks before she ' readjusts' wardrobe malfunction..

    I, of course, after placing eyes back in head and closing gaping mouth.. apologize profusely for ' error' on dog's part and try to smooth things over..lgirl in question beats hasty retreat..

    quite an delicate situation.. so.. question?

    should I train him to refine technique? and does he deserve one steak or two?
  2. A quality tale.. :D

    Oh and the dog gets two steaks, Sounds like he needs the energy..

    PS..Where is it you walk your dog... :wink:
  3. you and the dog need to have a talk,
    he needs to understand that although you appear to repremand him it is indeed praise. and any young ladies so offended should be made the offer of a drink. After all that is why you got the dog , wasnt it ?
    I suppose it's better than the "do you want to see my puppy " line ;)

  4. As long as you train it to search out the selection of totty I cant see a problem. Teach it to ensure there are no U16's, Over 50's. No ten ton tessa's or guares and it should be good. As long as pooch is getting minimum wage of a steak for babes and you get to see their fillets or thongs it should be worth the training. :D
  5. Train him . A dogs a dog and any word can be used to ensure the dog reacts in the way you intend it too.

    None of the "Take him down " or "kill" crap from the USA.

    Train him to do the same with a command like "don't jump" , on hearing this and then he does it the young missy will thank you for trying to control him.

    Trained my Ridgeback with 2 such commands.

    "Calm down stupid" sends him into a running, barking , mouth foaming frenzy and he falls down after a few mins...

    "Radish" means he is free to attack the person who said it (hence the word , not normally said to a large dog) but the attack is just play .

    Mind never say "On guard" if the person talking to you values their Genitals. :twisted:
  6. We have bred ridgebacks and one of the most endearing features of them is they only seem to obey commands which "interest" them. Playing fetch used to consist of one return and then next time said object was thrown they would look at you as if you were an idiot. One Ridgeback I knew was trained to growl when someone said "RSM".
  7. no mate, just get his nails clipped so he doesn't scratch her to bits next time he sees her and takes it to the next level cos you know he will.

    Like you, he'll never be able to erase the image. He's probably in his box right now licking his n0b with glee in eager anticipation. Lucky barstward.
  8. Mine is the same , only responds to "Sit" if we are raining on the leash. On heel and I stop walking he sits without command but when he is off the leash its only if he wants to or I have food.

    He likes "Radish" and I'm training him to obey the "Time out" signal to stop but again, if he is having fun he will ignore it.
  9. We had a Dobermann in Germany and we lived in flats. I was really pissed off on late night walkies, getting him to snap one off so I definitely knew he would not want a poo during the night and wake us up to take him out at 2am / when it was pissing down, etc.

    I read in a dog training book that guide dogs could be taught to poo on command, so that the blind person would not have to be too put out. The way you do this is to wait until the dog does the crouching thing, repeat the "key" word at this point, so the dog associates this word with his bowels opening. I was dubious, but tried it anyway. My key word was "Jock", as my boss at the time was nicknamed "Jock" (followed by surname).

    It fucking worked, magnificently! Dobes are clever dogs, and he picked it up very quickly indeed. I could take him for his last walk in the early to mid evening, get him to snap one off, and hoorah, no worries about finding little surprises in the morning. Made a fucking excellent display dog when we had people around for BBQs.

    He was an awesome trapping tool as well.
  10. The dog can bury it's head in female crotches, and slobber all over them, and be made a fuss of because of it!!!!
  11. Unlike us :evil: I normally get a slap when I bury my head in a strange females lap and slobber all over her.......mainly from the missus :wink:
  12. deerhunter
    can I book him for my next bbq , (payment in rissoles )

    from "Jock" land
  13. I've had a think about this one and have come up with a plan. Your wife/partner might be a bit apprehensive atr first but should soon warm to the idea. Every time you sleep with her make sure you have the dog and a bag of his favourite treats with you. Start foreplay and reward the dog only if he sticks his snout in her action when it is producing lub prior to entry. If he tries this before she's 'ready' twät him one. He'll soon learn to react correctly. Next step is to train him to move away as soon as he notices the tell-tale change in smell. Once he is repeating this procedure with regularity (and without treat) you can move on to the advanced procedures. If this phase goes well he will appear to any female visitor like a normal friendly dog. He'll walk up to her, stick his snout between her legs before taking a deep breath to get the scent. If you're in luck and she fancies you he'll immediately take a rapid step to the rear and sit down waiting for the signal from you. Upon receipt of this signal he'll then close all curtains, light a couple of candles and put some appropriate music on before fücking off back to his basket. I can't see any flaws in this plan.
  14. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    I want to be reincarnated as a dog!

  15. Fckin Tactical Genius!