Army Rumour Service

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

My contribution to mankind


Given that (a) my description of a certain pointless, broken-brained cuntspangle as a "pointless, broken-brained cuntspangle" seemed to tickle the amusement centres of a few posters' humorocortexes, and (b) it was Sunday and drizzling, I decided to use my IT ninja skills to create a programme to generate lightly amusing insults to hurl at the sort of pointless, broken-brained cuntspangles who have a habbit of shitposting, and for any other situation in which a creative-sounding insult might come in handy, such as a tense confrontation with "Mad" Eddie the roid-head at the boozer, or having to talk to the mother-in-law.

Then I thought that it would be lightly amusing/horrifying to see what words fellow Arrsers/internet wombles might input into such a system, so I added that functionality too.

So I did.

LEGAL NOTE. The makers of insultamajig, ie me, take no responisbility if "Mad" Eddie glasses you, or if your wife makes you sleep on the sofa for being mean to her mum such that you wake up with a Lego minifigure up your arse. Or if you find a Lego minifigure up your arse for any other reason. Even if I put it there alledgedly put it there .


Presently my favourite suggestions have been "wankhydrant" and "arsegoose".
Weak dripping fartfondler.


Weapons-grade gashdust

Local-council-quality wankunit

Both have appeal.
Industrial-strength, vomit-inducing cunticicle

Made me giggle :-D :-D
Appreciative grinning here - Pointless shitwish and Belt-fed Pissrabbit were my favourites, until I saw Morris-dancing fannymimicker.


Reading a book last night, and this prison in Aus had an officer they'd christened "Ankles"

Because he was 3 foot lower than a ****.......
I used to work with someone they had christened "toenails", because he was so far up the boss's ar$e that's all you could see.


Book Reviewer
In the early 90s I worked with VM/XA. Instant messaging existed with (iirc) the MSG command. I wrote a wrapper called SLAG and created an expletives file. At the end of the message, SLAG appended a slagging message. Random didn't work well: frequently got the same message time after time. So first use every morning, SLAG sorted the message file on the nth letter of the messages where n was day of the month. Then it selected slaggings serially all day.

Then I realised that the ladies might be upset by some of the more robust slaggings, so I introduced a flag to prevent upset.

Write an insult system? Use a mainframe.
Last edited:


The user-suggested list currently would appear more that I've succesfully managed to give a computer tourettes than a database of insults, but it's still mildly entertaining.

That said, fucknugget wankyshitcunt sounds like it could be ideal if you ever accidentally hit your thumb with a hammer or get a bit of scrotum caught in your trouser fly.


Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
My contribution to mankind will come on the day of my funeral! :skull:


Book Reviewer
"spunkdribbling rectal-prolapsemaalox"

"Redundant bum-suckerdamanbugs"

there appears to be a slight issue with spaces.

Latest Threads