Mr WS Mitty, Estate Agent

There's a great deal of hullabaloo and hokum about Walts, especially in this forum.

I think we all agree that anyone pretending to be in the army deserves a Dry Nipple Cripple from 3 Para Mortars - not least because:

1. Their stories of derring do might actually get them laid. I don't know about you, but mine certainly don't get me laid. Not even the one about John Simpson nicking my 9x9.

2. The fact that someone actually wants to be in the Army sort of undermines our ability to gripe about how sh1t it is.

So, in order to take the power back, I have decided to pretend I'm a civvy. I'm so good at it that not even my closest military friends are sure whether i'm serving or not.

I start with the hair. My sidies are bushy and I use pantene because it has "Provitamin B5" in it. I pretend I don't know what a neck shave is and, if I really want to confuse people, I use Sun-in or Red food colouring to make me look like Freddie Lundberg.

When I'm on leave for longer than 2 days, I grow a goatie. If I don't have time I get my lass to pencil one in with an eye-liner like that Bepe off eastenders.

I tell people I work in property or I'm an actuary. No-one really asks questions then. If I meet someone who actually does work in property or is an actuary, I just say I was in another firm or back out by saying I got RSI from typing and had to leave after 6 months.

I use civilian jargon: lady, downsize, google, cappucino, residuals, Sports Utility Vehicle.

I rarely swear - but if I do, I use a high piched voice and do it really badly:
"Oh Giles you are such a crap"
"Oh fucky do! I've dropped my 3G in my frappalatte"

I count out my exact portion of the bill during group meals, and pay it to the penny.

I tell people that I've worked out a way to avoid paying the congestion charge and make women sleep with me before I tell them.

I talk about my human rights and how other people waste "My Taxpayers' Money" a lot.

I have a Man-bag. It's like a hand-bag, but for men.

I've got a large Swan Vestas box that I've painted black. If I tap on it with with a chopstick it's a palmpilot, if I plug my earphones in it it's an iPod.

All these are useful techniques, but I still slip up sometimes. Only the other day my girlfriend's mother caught me scratching my itchy, sweaty arrse and wiping my hand on her sofa. She nearly sussed me so I burst into tears and sniffled something about baby africans with flies on them.

What else can i do to further develop my waltishness?
Here are a few suggestions

1 When others talk about there interests and experience actually take an interest, instead of waiting for a opportunity to butt in and unload your view on what’s been said

2 Go for a drink just for the pleasure of it rather than view each time you come in contact with alcohol as a personal crusade to hammer your liver.

3 Try the above with a female with whom you just want to be friends with instead of trying to bone anything vaguely female and not a immediate relative.

4 Try not to laugh at the Road safety advert you know the one where the lass gets mashed civis apparently don’t find them funny.

5 Expand your diet to include something else other than Curry/pub snacks /McDonalds

Beats me why you would want to bother though.
Only eleven months left before you'll be doing it for real. Don't they have a resettlement course where you'll learn how to re-integrate with society?

Don't forget to talk all the fcuking time about house prices. This is a core civilian trait you will have to master, even if you don't actually own one.

Find shirt lifting celebs funny, Graham Norton, Dale Winton, most american actors. My sister made me watch five minutes of Will and Grace once, i would rather cut my member of than have to watch it again.
Once you have made a female friend you dont want to shag dont tell her you think homosexuality is a disease and the best way to help such people is to have them commited or castrated.
Whilst attending a BBQ (with vegetarian options obviously, you are a civvy now ) make sure you ridicule every actual serving member of HM Forces you meet, admittedly this is going to be easy should you encounter a member of the Royal Air Farce. Comment on their heavy drinking and lack of manners/culture/education. Be sure to corner one and repeatedly ask how he has time to spend on the piss when he should be in Iraq, how your taxes pay his wages etc. Explain how you were going to join the Paras but got a better offer in civvy street earning more in a day than a Para does in a month.
When having any kind of briefing\meeting about workplace conditions you must complain bitterly and act as if the sky is falling if you are informed that the notice board is moving downstairs or the toilets are being repaired and you have to walk to another floor to use theirs.
Ah well I will be 1 month behind you RTFQ, My efforts have included not beating any Gadgets to plastic pulp and yelling The Feckin Feckers Feckin Fecked. Seems better to apparently read "the instruction manual" ?? and perhaps comment that there appears to be some sort of defect.

No longer establishing an emergency RV on a shoppin trip with Mrs G. now if the daft bint (oops sorry misplaced lady) gets seperated from the main party she can call the coastguard on her mobile phone (not civ comms)

Apparently necking Pints of Pimms at major equestrian events is terribly bad form. (fair play raised a few eyebrows well it was on draft for f@cks sake !)

C.V. apparently replaces confidential

No more recces' You have to go for a look around.

The family cars will no longer require POLing they need filling with petrol (apart from the DIESEL ONE you daft bint !!! oops sorry darling).

Apparently saying "Clear Left" while in the passenger seat will provoke a reaction along the lines of...Yes I can see that !

How will we cope ?
1. You "urinate" not "lag" and you try and go in the bowl rather than all over it.

2. Defication should be a function, not a pleasure or momentous event worth talking about (unless it is in relation to babies, in which case crack on!)

3. You neither crack no nor fill your boots, rather you mumble non-comittally while enduring.

4. SOUPs are to be discouraged. If you must, you are "collecting" wide screen TV's, Playstation games and the like.

5. Instead of "honking" about people "LeMFing/BIFFing" off something you identify with their trauma, empathise with their suffering, and condemn whatever evel in the world caused them to "jack" (sorry, give up)

6. It's called a Self Certificate Sick Note, not a "biff-chit"
You will no longer go to the G1098 to get tools, you will be going to B&Q, furniture for you room (sorry now called a house) comes from Ikea and no longer from the QM's
You will no longer be able to achieve the results you want by shouting at any one you consider to be you inferior.

Addressing strangers with terms of abuse is not acceptable in any non military gatherings.
I saw this thread yesterday and have only just stopped grinning to myself.
I now feel it my duty, as a fully paid up civilian to help you boys find out how to pass yourselves off as civilians without giving the game away.
I intend to set up civilian adventure weekends for the military.
We will start you off in a muddy field with a shagged out Centurion, then you will work your way through shagged out FV432s, series III Landrovers, before, when we feel you are ready for it, letting you loose on the pinnacle of civilian motoring - a fully body kitted Vauxhall Nova in Burger King's carpark!
Here we will introduce you to our expert instructors who will take you on a clandestine civilian mission - shoplifting in Primark!
Hopefully you will pick up all the non Gucci, highly flammable kit and the necessary slang along the way, to be able to pass in Chav circles, without the fear of detection.
In the meantime, for those of you yearning to adopt a more civilian look while at work, we will be able to offer you paint jobs and body kits to make your firm's wagons look less conspicuous:-

I look forward to taking orders.

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