Mr Vice

Hi. I`m a newly promoted stripey and have been lemmoned for Mr Vice at the next function. Any advice on do`s and don`ts would be appreciated coz I don`t want to end up on duty every other weekend till Christmas. Cheers ;D


:)Ah yes ,I remember it well.Just listen out for the announcement "Mr Vice,the Queen",and watch out for the PMC's nod that everybody has stood up before announcing the Loyal Toast.Good luck and remember that you're only going to do it once!


No problem Sj,

Just remember at the next regimental dinner, if peple attending are getting a little desperate in the toilet department, Mr Vice has the right to interupt the procedings, at any time, and anounce to all present, "EASE SPRINGS".
Ofcourse this has to be anounced in the correct manner. Ask your friendly neighbourhood RSM for advice. ;D


It is also Mr Vice's duty to ensure that no port goes to waste on the night, ie it must all be drunk.

Do not confuse this with "Mr Vice must drink ALL the left over port".

I've seen that done a couple of times by newly pipped subbies... quite funny when they get on to the second decanterful.   :-/
Cheers for the advice Unforgiven and HVM_boy.
Not too sure about yours Treebeard.
Next you`re be telling me that when I`m on the range I just have to say "LADS GET LOADED"??????
Could be awkward!
Come to think of it it could also be intresting though.
Anyway I`ll let you know how many extras I get.
By the way. The grace. Is there a set wording or do I just blag it. I seen the other thread and I aint saying it Latin for a start.
1.  Get ALL the details from the PMC - write them on a piece of card, learn the routine and keep the card so that you can have a last minute check before sitting down to dinner. Do NOT take advice from others as gospel - some wicked people want to have bit of a laugh.

2.  Stay sober until you are in the barafterwards.  Do not drink before sitting down, have one or two glasses of wine at the table and try and drink as little port as possible.

3.   Watch out for:
a.  Mobile phones taped under the table or chair - they go off at inopportune moments.
b.  Your port glass may have a hole drilled in it.
c.  Cutlery tied to your chair.
d.  Talcum powder in your napkin.

......and a whole host of other 'triffic wheezes.

Hope I havn't spoilt anyones fun... ;)
Take "Port Fines" with a pinch of salt.....just nod and smile sweetly at the RSM.

DON'T cough up (unless you have more money than sense!)

When challenged days later about them, give him your solicitor's number and say he is holding them for him and would Sir mind giving him a bell... ;D
Tell some good jokes, the RSM will let you off with anything

Here are some;

paddy looks in a mirror and sez to murphy by jings I recognise him, let me have a look sez murphy. You ferkin edjit it's me ;D

A woman receives a letter from anne summers

Thank you for your order received today . please reorder as the dildo that you have chosen from our shop display is in fact a fire extinguisher ;D ;)

Pads wives will love them ;)
When you've given the Loyal Toast, wait till all sit back down and say in a loud but regal voice, 'God bless her' whilst raising your glass to Her portrait.  The older members attending the meal love this and it will make your RSM happy.

Don't listen to the above about dirty jokes.  The RSM WILL give you extras for this.  Try this one.  Purchase from a joke shop, a few magicians tricks, like pulling a long hanky from your top pockets, or flowers from up your sleeve.  Even try the magic hanky trick with spoons hidden under the hanky!  Do this whilst standing on your chair.  If you have enough confidence, wear a fezz, and put on a Tommy Cooper stance and accent.  Trust me, you'll go down a bomb, and be the life of the party.
Thanks for all the advice gents.
It's already took place. So no more advice on do's and dont's unless it's for the benefit of all. Didnt humilate myself during the meal   ;D ;D
But unfortunately I asked the wrong question at the start of the thread and nobody gave me advice on how to survive after the meal.
Firstly I have got extras. Two of em. I was found asleep in the toilets and sent to bed!!! Not too much of a misdeamer  until I mention it wasn't the Gents!!!!!  More importantly and I can't be bothered to start a new thread for this FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME A GOOD HANGOVER  CURE. I wanna survive to draw a pension. PLEASE :-[


Best cure for the mother of all hangovers eh?  ;)  Well I am only tellin ya this now coz you might just be able to stomach it.  There are only 2 cures worth knowing...... the first is to have the biggest greasiest fry up you can find or if you really cant face it a good ........... shhhhhhhh**  ;)
Tankie said:
remember that you're only going to do it once!
unless youre still the most junior at the next dinner.


Managed to get this little task twice. Good joke teller, new Sgt no not either, just a cnut of a geezer pinging me for it. Anyway at the second attempt the boys (and Girls) were giving me the ribbing and must have employed a professional heckler who was full on. At a relevant heckle i asked the guy "Do you suffer from piles?" amazed he turned to a quiet wreck and asked me to repeat the question which i did. He answered "No" in a protesting manner, everyone turned to look at me, including the now puzzled RSM. I then retorted with "Didn't think you would have piles as God made you a perfect Fcucking arseh*ole!!" never did that job again and never been heckled since. He who laughs last... Anyway the bloke was a stroker!!!!!!!!
Congrats for only getting two extras.
When i done mine some one had placed an alarm clock under my seat that went off in the middle of the speechs, 5 extra's came my way.
As for the hangover i do agree with a nice solid fry up, thats so greasy the eggs are doing the back stroke, and bacon is so hairy you have to shave it!! But also do drink either loads of orange juice or just normal water, even then sip it dont guzzle, sip it as this will then get into your system quicker.
After effects from this is if you drink orange juice, then the vit C in will make you go for a big S**T.
Hope it helps

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