Motor manufacturers plan to kill me. I require home addresses

Discussion in 'Cars, Bikes 'n AFVs' started by TheIronDuke, Feb 26, 2013.

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  1. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Motor manufacturers are trying to take my money then murder me. If anyone knows where they live, please PM me with the info. For insurance purposes. Old cars are just all right with me. Modern cars want to see me sleep with the fishes.

    My Landy is bullet proof. The power steering pump seized and shredded the fan belt a while back. I removed one of the birds nylons and knotted it around the fan and alternator, bypassing the power steering pump. And it got us home.

    Comfy Car takes 0-30 oil. Fully synthetic and £7 a liter. The Landy will run on margarine or mince from Asda.

    The Landy has lights. They are 12 volts. Wagons run on 24 volts. Comfy car has lights that run on 40,000 volts. Yeah, "**** off" was my first reaction when the spanner monkeys told me. But it is true. It has a transformer covered with skulls and "Alta tensione, perecolo de morte" in 7 languages. If I had tried to change a bulb without disconnecting the battery, the ******* thing would have killed me.

    So, modern motor manufacturers plan to take my money then murder me do they?

    We need a plan.
  2. The bastards, so that's what it was doing when I caught it creeping up the stairs with a knife in its grille. There should be a law against it - and warning signs, big warning signs.
  3. Simple. Replace your car with a Volvo. You will quickly discover that it is impossible to change a bulb without removing the entire front of the car. This being quite difficult to do, you may have to go back to the dealer to get it done. The new bulb will therefore cost you around £3000 plus VAT but you will probably still be alive.
  4. Fascinating. No, really.
  5. Here you go; wheels fit for a Duke.

    • Like Like x 1
  6. I have a plan, my other car is 1969 Triumph Vitesse.
    A proper blokey blokes car that blokey blokes can fix with proper blokey bloke tools.
    • Like Like x 1
  7. The Allegro I think.

  8. Call The Wurzles for advice.
  9. Mine was blue and very fast, people were so jealous that I owned such a fantastic motorcar.
    • Like Like x 1
  10. But why did BL insist on giving it a square steering-wheel?
  11. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    In the unlikely event I require you fascinated, the punch up the throat will be an early indicator.
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Wordsmith

    Wordsmith LE Book Reviewer

    We have to go back to a simpler age.

    If you drive at no more than 4 miles an hour and are preceded by a man carrying a red flag, it will be virtually impossible to have a serious accident.

    Car History 4U - History of Britain's Red Flag Act

    On the bright side, it will take you 30 hours to drive from London to Birmingham, thus giving you far more time to enjoy the scenery.

  13. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Spot on. It is indeed a Volvo S80. And it took the lads an hour. Three of them. Trying to change a ******* bulb. I am told spanners hit the walls.

    Volvo of course, have a special tool. To replace a ******* light bulb. And yes, the lights run on 40,000 volts.

    Volvo is trying to take my money then murder me. I require an assist.
  14. [​IMG]

    They know where you afraid, very afraid...

    ...unless you know this chap:


  15. If you had a puncture you could replace a wheel with the steering wheel. It was the worlds first space saving tyre.
    • Like Like x 1