Most Unique/Creative W@nking Method?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by TankiesYank, Jun 9, 2005.

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  1. Inspiration taken from the "W@nking Lessons" thread. I just know there's some odd ones out there that you've, uh, "heard about."

    F'rinstance: When we were kids, my friend (really!) discovered her brother having made a sort of w@nking sandwich, with baby oil and plastic clingfilm, using the crease between the cushion and the base of a leather chair.

    She walked in to his room to get her Duran Duran record or something, and found him on his knees in front of the La-Z-Boy, humping furiously away like a big hairless German Shepherd. 8O

    Points for creativity, but I think she's still in therapy for that one.
  2. How to make a Fufu box.

    You will need;
    1X milk carton
    Some upholstery foam
    A roll of clingfilm

    1. Cut the top off the milk carton, and discard top.

    2. Cut two equally sized blocks of foam to go into carton together, but make them about 30% oversized.
    2. Firmly wrap both blocks in clingfilm, ensuring that one face of each block is smooth and that edges of clingfilm are on opposite side to smooth face.
    3. Insert blocks into carton, with smooth faces together in the middle.
    4. Tape blocks in with Harry Black, leaving a slit where the foam blocks meet.
    5. Insert member into resultant slit, crack on.

    Somewhere in a parallel universe, this was demonstrated on "Blue Peter"..

    If you are bit of a woofter, you can cut a drain hole in the base of the carton. Real Men, however, never drain their Fufu boxes, but keep using them until they smell like a chacon of dead turtles and a stream of rancid man-yoghurt jets out when an insertion is made.
    At this point, there are many imaginitive ways to dispose of a gravid Fufu box. My favourite is
    to decant it's awful contents into an Irn-Bru bottle, and then to swagger into the nearest Sperm-bank and flog it as a bulk sale..
  3. Novelty inflatable sheep with shaving foam lube. My :: cough :: "friend"
    :: cough :: says it works a treat.

  4. Isn't this the DIY version of the things they used to advertise in the back of Mayfair, i.e. the 'Sailor's Friend'?
  5. There used to be a WO with lots of character in the Int Corps who had an over active imagination when it came to w*anking machines. One of the easiest ones I remember him telling me about was the right angled torch and swarfega.

    Another mate of mine, ex Corps, once told me of his carelessly discarded w*ank sock. At the dinner table, the following sunday, with all the family sat around. His mum casually mentioned that she would get him some handkerchiefs the following week so he would not have to keep blowing his nose in his socks. Cue choking on a roast potato!
  6. If it was the sailors friend it would have a throbbing c0ck attached to it.

    I reckon the most creative way to knock one out would be to convince someone else to do it for you...

    Maybe a little difficult as a teenager but dependant on confidence levels you could always ask Mum, Dad, sister, brother etc...

    I once in a drunken stupor after being in the Army for about three years, appeared at the door of my seventeen year old sisters bedroom with a full swelling demanding sex. (Mitigating circumstances, and what stopped me being banished from the family) I was seeing her pal and thought she was staying over.

    That said my sister does have a cracking set of puppies, and if she'd have consented instead of screaming the house down I reckon I could have slipped her one.

    Anyone else poked a family member? :D
  7. ^ Phuck! Another COFFEE/MONITORACC!
  8. A paul Mason wine bottle

    1: Pour vile contents down grid
    2: Clean with boiling water
    3: Apply baby oil to hampton and inside of bottle neck
    4: insert nob until air bypasses helmet making novelty fartng noise

  9. The Pusser's right-angle/Swarfas rig is also known as the "Stoker's friend". :)
  10. MDN wrote:
    Ah yes, I was just about to discuss "Variant B".. :D
  11. You need:

    1. Jam jar x 1
    2. Raw liver x 2lbs

    Stuff raw liver in Jam jar and crack on.

    When finished stick in fridge, you might get another few days usage :lol:

    Forgot to mention, when the liver is getting a bit tough and is making your c0ck sore, either feed to dog or invite in-laws around for some nice liver and onions, spuds and lumpy cream sauce :wink:
  12. Handful of warm lambs Liver, then you can fry it with some bacon and onions for lunch, two uses for the same item :D
  13. beat me, no pun intended, to the punch :D
  14. Heh. These ideas demonstrate the kind of ingenuity that put men on the moon.

    From the female angle...another friend used to sneak in to the laundry room during a load of washing (you know, during "agitate") and grind the clam against a corner of the washing machine.

    She claimed this was the greatest way to get off, ever. I call bull$h!t on that — all I got for my efforts was a bruise. 8O
  15. Electric tooth brush TY, thats the way ahead. There is a new Dyke-Drama on the TV, and that is what one of the girlies used.