Not sure if it's the most stupid, but posted this the other night on FaceAche to share my bellendery with family and friends...
Filling up at Morrison's, goes to pay. Not looking at the cashier I say, "Number eleven, please"
"No... Number eleven"
I eventually looked at a bemused cashier wondering why he's being a bit of an arse.
"I've not said anything", he says. "That's just the machine telling me Six has finished refuelling".
Slightly red-faced, I apologised, paid my moolar and took full advantage of the fact that no other members of the general public were present to witness my innocent misunderstanding - walking out of the place to an accompaniment of the electronic chorus of "Six.... Six... Nine... Nine.... Nine..."
At a bombing range in the North of Scotland we singlies lived on site. Having recently completed a driving course in South Wales at her majesties expense and feeling bored I decided I'd take a short wheel landie for a drive around the range. Down onto the enormous and completely empty beach I was whizzing along and espied a small stream ahead running off into the sea. Hah! I thinks, this is one of Land Rovers finest cross country vehicles with 4 wheel drive etc. piece of pish to drive through. Got stuck, soft water filled sand, OK thinks I low ratio that's the boy! Moved not a single inch, F**K! Managed to open the door and get out (sand up to the sill). Ran the 4 miles back to accom and got some of the guys together, took the crash wagon down with a tow rope. Tide had advanced a looong way F**K F**K F**K!!! Short wheelie half submerged but managed to drag it out. Wouldn't start and the mech spent weeks trying to mend it but it was, sadly, BER. FML!! I sweated bullets thinking that my embryonic career was down the pan.
Not me but added for completeness. 4 months later a shiny brand new LWB rover is picked up and driven to the range which coincided with a live bombing exercise in the very far north of Scotland. LWB is chosen to take the safety boat and staff up there, it needs a rover to cross the beach to the observation point. LWB gets stuck in the sand on the beach, no fear though the army are there also and they have a SWB with winch on the front! Come and help us out please and in a spirit of inter service cooperation they did (no purple stuff in those days). I know you can see it already, can a 1/2 ton rover pull out a 3/4 ton rover? The answer is no, both stuck on the beach now and the tide is rushing in. Both completely covered and when the tide goes out the SWB is much further towards the shoreline than the LWB. Local farmer drags both up to dry land but both are BER.
Probably just one incident in the late 60's. Certainly, I'm prone still to shall we say...eccentric actions that don't always work out, but usually harmless if sometimes expensive.
I'd be 16, my elder ( cnut) brother 19. He was a car salesman at the time, and brought home a new Mk2 sand-beige Cortina E 1600 GT.
He'd picked up a mate who lived above us and was belting up our road, having as was later witnessed, managed ( just) to control a oppo-locker into our road. He thought it would be fun, as I was walking up the middle of the road which was OK back then as no one had cars) to run me off by charging straight for me. Well, I did say he was a cnut. This day, I must have thought..." enough" and stood still...resulting in him exercising the brakes and losing just enough momentum so I ended up over the bonnet with a split head and a buggered knee.
Now, whatever happened to common sense I have no idea...concussion I guess. As the witnessed story went I apparently pulled him out the car and for the first time kicked and punched the fucker black and blue. 16 years of pent-up payback. Now the mistake....according to a couple of witnesses, I then proceeded to leave this new demo car without a straight panel which ended up costing me a court appearance but under the circumstances I walked out.
I have zero recollection of how he was brought to book.
Looking back, no idea why the P Fiscal took it that far. The big benefit for me was he lost his job and ended up cleaning cars at another dealership.I hooked him again when I was 18 when he did something pretty despicable ( stealing my 18th birthday silver tankards) and in front of my by then remaining parent who sat there and said nothing, where upon he fell back and split his skull on a radiator, he this time ending up in A&E. That was the final lesson for him. I ought to point out that he is the only person I've ever hooked...I'm not inclined.
Parents? They said and did little...they must have known though.
Looking back, it'd been far better to jump out the way and bide my time for another day.
Suffice to say, the cnut never crossed my path again after the second lesson.
I guess that was the day I learned to use stealth & a little "Life Treachery" to survive instead of utter stupidity.
Once upon a time I was between postings with MoD and was not enjoying 8 weeks of 'Gardening leave'....having painted the house gable ends I was very bored so took a job on a local market gardening farm.
odd jobs around the place from picking broccoli by hand to taking out old barbed wire fencing on a new plot under cultivation.
The wire was all rolled up but about 100 yards of posts to uproot and remove.
First few were fine then one post firmly rooted and wouldn't budge.
So, taking the direct approach I picked up one of the wooden stakes about 5' long and swung it as hard as I could against The Unbudgeable.
Of course it bounced off both Unbudgeable and my forehead....I woke up and went home to whimper.
The stupidest thing I ever did however was to resign from MoD to take up a job with the Cabinet Office.....
On a beautiful summer's day in the late '70s, my then wife and I took a trip to the picturesque town of Lavenham, Suffolk. Standing bored in one of the gifte shoppes whilst she browsed, I noticed a decorative tea-towel on the wall depicting the WW2 USAAF station. The owner asked if I was interested in war/history etc. to which I said yes. He then told me where the airfield was and that the runways were mostly intact.
After we'd done I took a drive, with the moany wife out of town and down the farm roads and soon found the perimeter track and then the end of the runway, running between well grown cereal crops.
No one about, so........ Unleashing the negligible power of my Fiesta Mk1 I set off with the chorus of "Should you be doing this? Isn't this trespass?" ringing in my ears.
The concrete was cracked and the runway not as billiard table flat as I'd thought it would be but we were soon doing a bloody good speed (considering).
The pop-up sunroof was out and there was soon a buzzing that got louder and louder.
"Hmm, tyre hum?" I thought.
Apparently not, as to my left and not far ahead a small plane (possibly a Piper) finished in USAAF colours and markings was taking off from a portion of the runway whose intersection I was fast approaching.
I'm not sure if the tyres or my wife made the loudest screech. I did a U-turn and fucked off smartish.
The undulation of the site had hidden the fact that the watch tower was now a house and someone was still using the runway.
Oh, how my ears suffered.
I've just looked on Google Maps and most of the runways have now gone.