More One-Liners

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by JoeCivvie, Sep 7, 2011.

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  1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the slag in the morning!

    The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Shirley.

    My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking........And then I saw her face!

    My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk.
  2. I've decided to give up my addiction for ham sandwiches,

    from now on it's cold turkey.
  3. Just got back from a trip to Casualty,

    apparently the Dyson ball cleaner is not what I thought it was.

    my hat my coat ...thank you!!!!!
  4. I like Muslims the same way I like to spend my evenings: Stoned.
  6. Except he's in Hong Kong. Nazi Budgerigar Anwalty Walty.

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  7. Look, if some Über-Walt Cock can threaten the very being of the site that is Arrse by a Nebraska Shit-kicking "Lawyer", I m sure that European legislation can spread its spawny crawlers to our once great colony.

    P.S. When and where is the "Arrsers (Der Vaterland) Piss-up? I think we all need to buy the "Du sollst nicht stehlen" T-shirt, c/w with Arrse logo to rear and embroidered NDM to left breast.
    • Like Like x 1
  8. This sounds sufficiently geschmacklos, and brings to mind a question I've been meaning to ask. My father recently passed to me a medal in his possession, the 1939-45 Star. As he was born in 1939 I'm assuming it wasn't awarded to him, and it couldn't have been my grandads 'cos he spent the relevant years in a false roof in a hotel in Scarborough, but, seeing as I have it, would it be OK for me to wear it on such an occasion as proposed, and on which side would protocol require it be worn? Obviously this is in the context of the "Opa kam nie so weit nach Osten" shirt. Thanks in advance.

    Added: P.S. It's got the wrong ribbon. Is this important, or do you think no-one will notice?
  9. It is also a very old "joke" that pre-dates that piece of legislation!!
  10. Funny you should mention this; I was considering passing the bundle on to a colleague regarding the criminal nature of the alleged "humour".

    I shall almost certainly be plagiarising the first two though.
  11. Don't just use the first two, plagiarism is illegal. Use the whole lot and call it research!!
  12. A mate of mine told me the shortest race at The Olympics is the 100 metres. I told him he's spouting bollocks, it's them Chinese.