More Hotel Shenanigans - this time YMP thinks it's terrorists!

#1
So I was sitting around taking on my usual duties at work last night (reading a 9/11 timeline on beeb news site) when a young Arab-Scottish lad came to the door. He walked in as if he was already a guest, wandered into the corridor and then came back through to reception and asked me if he could see his mate in room 14. I asked for his mates name, which was Khan, and checked the list. No Khan in house.

I told him there were other hotels in the area, that he was probably in one of those but this chap was insistent he was here due to a nearby fast food place. I pointed out there was another hotel similar and then the guy asked to use the toilet. For some reason (unbeknownst to me) I allowed him to come by into the reception and use our toilet. He was in and out as per what I'd estimate as the usual time for a piss and when I asked him if he wanted me to phone the other hotels he was half out the door already.

"Naw, it's awright, buddy, I'll just look at my sat nav. Thanks."

At first I thought nothing of it and then sat back down and started reading this thing about the 9/11 terrorists. Then I pat my shants.

YOUNG? ARAB? MALE? He's well just planted a fucking bomb in there!

So I decided to phone the other hotels anyway. None of them had a Khan staying whatsoever and the next one over is Glasgow. I went to go for a fag to calm my nerves and popped outside. The fucker and a group of his pals were parked in the car park, engine off, inside lights off, nae music. I got panicky again. I walked around the outside of the building for 10 minutes to see if they would move, they didn't.

Then one opened the car door and shouted at his mates in a foreign language before looking at me and getting back in the car. At this point I'm beginning to genuinely feel like Jack Bauer is the only bloke who can save me. I am certain that they are waiting for me to get back in the building so they can hit the detonator. Anyways, when I DO go back in and look out the window half an hour later, they're still there. He walked in at 4.30am, it's now 5.10am

I decided to phone the police station. Not my smartest move, I'll admit, but they were making me really nervous which was probably down to my massively over active imagination and desperate need to see a therapist. I got on the line to the desk and told them what had happened, said I found it all very suspicious and that I just wanted them to ask the guys to leave our car park at the very least.

"No problem, somebody'll be right round."

Ten minutes later, they're still parked out there and the cops haven't turned up. I thought I'd go for another patrol outside and as I stepped out the car drove off. I gritted my teeth, waiting on the building to explode behind me. I figured if I hopped in the air at precisely the right time I might survive. That's what happens in films.

But it didn't explode.

When the police popped round all of five minutes later I apologised for wasting their time, told them it was probably nothing and we put the guy acting suspiciously down to him not being sure if he could use the hotel toilet. We're the only place that's open here at this time of night apart from the McDs drive through. The cops were sympathetic. They understood why I thought it was suspicious, him asking for a non-existant guest (there was no Khan at any other hotel in the area) and then them just sitting parked out there instead of going to the other place regardless. So they were at least willing to humour me.

I gave them the license plate number and they promised to follow it up, heading off probably thinking "what a massive dickhead" and i got back to work.

So was I just fucking paranoid? It's not like me to care about these things at all, God knows where it came from. It was all just really, really unusual.
 
M

Mark The Convict

Guest
#2
If he didn't carry an object with a BIG COUNTDOWN TIMER into the Crapper Of Death, and then leave without it, what's the problem? You could have checked. No George Medal for you, you soggy gusset.

Did you think his swarthy dago mates were lurking evilly outside, amongst the rubbish bins and used condoms, poking a truckload of Semtex through the shithouse window, one block at a time? Were they wearing top hats and cloaks? Any pencil moustaches visible?

Did the car look like this?;
 
M

Mark The Convict

Guest
#5
Uh-huh *nods carefully* When you're alone, do you see hideous faces leering at you from the shadows, only for them to disappear when you turn to look?

Look, never mind that. Forget I asked. How do you think he got a WMD into your innocent shitter, short of smuggling it up his arse?
 
G

goatrutar

Guest
#6
Uh-huh *nods carefully* When you're alone, do you see hideous faces leering at you from the shadows, only for them to disappear when you turn to look?

Look, never mind that. Forget I asked. How do you think he got a WMD into your innocent shitter, short of smuggling it up his arse?
Dirty bomb?
 
#8
You are a towering horses cunt, go and change some bed linen and pick up used shitty
 
#9
Well done.Top marks for being a good citizen and preventing a potential terrorist outrage.
You moved the acoustic tiles in the toilet ceiling and thoroughly checked in the ceiling space didn't you?
 
#10
Offer a tramp a box of goon to go in and flush the bog for you.
For non-antipodean corresponents, "a box of goon" is:



Which, once completely, err, decanted, can be inflated to provide a comfy pillow, upon which to rest one's weary head awhile in the sun:

276813_213551425363829_1846250_n.jpg

Thus far, it has not replaced "Bucky" - Coatbridge Table Wine, Commotion Lotion, Lurgan Champagne, etc etc as the swally of choice for Govan heid the baws. Wonder why.

Binge_drinking_1363279c.jpg
 
G

goatrutar

Guest
#11
There's a service station here that sells 1 litre bottles of metho with a can of sprite as a special deal for the derros.

There's also a nice cocktail called monkey blood which is a mix of metho and brown muscat. Classy.
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#13
Oh I checked that lavvy! I checked it thoroughly.

But I'm too scared to flush it in case that's how the device is going to get set off!
Just do it! If it goes off it will be quick for you - just a flash in the pan really! :)
 
M

Mark The Convict

Guest
#16
There's a service station here that sells 1 litre bottles of metho with a can of sprite as a special deal for the derros.
Whaaaaat?! You, sir, are a derro walt. I've always thought that kind of thing was a myth! John McEnroe, surely!
 
#17
I was minding my own business in B&Q, shelf stacking (I was trained by J. Shortt) and a chap called Mohammed Smith came in and asked for 150 gallons of Hydrogen Peroxide for his hair salon. I told him to fuck off.
 
G

goatrutar

Guest
#18
Whaaaaat?! You, sir, are a derro walt. I've always thought that kind of thing was a myth! John McEnroe, surely!
Apart from being a fat cunt, I do look a bit like a derro. Derros are usually skinny on account of eating out of rubbish bins. The servo in question is in Fortitude Valley. I always thought they were providing a public service as the nearest bottle-o is a fair stagger away.
 
M

Mark The Convict

Guest
#19
Christ almighty! It's like the yarn about Outback servos keeping bottles of meths in the self-serve fridges.
 
#20
Did you check the toilet paper?

Some people used to hide bits of razor blade in between the sheets of two-ply arse wipe.

However, the modern terrorist could equally as easily spray or coat the bog paper with liquid Iodine Triodide, which, when dry, could sort out someone's piles with one wipe.
 

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