Moral Dilemma

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by spaz, Mar 12, 2010.

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  1. I'm in a bit of a dilemma at the moment and feel that the Naafi readership may be able to offer some advice.

    My dear old grandmother cashed in her chips last week (*sniff blub etc) and so I'm being forced to ruin a perfectly good weekend to go and get her planted tomorrow. I had been hoping to get some good quality midweek funeral action out of the situation but that was not to be.

    It has also been brought to my attention that this Sunday is Mothering Sunday. Now this isn't usually a problem for me as my old dear thinks herself lucky if she receives a five minute phonecall on the day and a card a week late if the postman hasn't "lost" it.

    Now in an ideal world we'd have a singsong, quick stretcher race outside, lob her in the hole, chuck a bit of muck on top and I'd be away down the M40 like Stirling Moss. Unfortunately I have this weak whiny civilian voice in my head that's coming out with bone ideas about hanging around until Sunday and being bored rigid about which members of my extended family are suffering from which unpleasant ailments.

    I can only put this weakness down to the proximity of my Mother's Mum's funeral to said day. The much louder squaddie's voice in my head is saying fuck her at least she doesn't have to bother buying a card this year.

    Who should I listen to?
  2. I always find that heeding the advice of Emperor Mong works at the time mate. I am sure that He will appear to you very shortly to tell you what would be for the best.
  3. Did she leave you any money?
  4. I've always found being "on call" for work at short notice is an excellent tactic.

    A quick text to a mate asking him to ring at a certain time with a work based emergency that you "have to turn in for immediatley" works every time.

    Mummy wouldn't want her ickle soldier to get into trouble at work now would she?
  5. Do the honest thing, buy the old dear a card and chocs for Sunday, hand them over on Saturday ( or seeing as it's a funeral day, leave them somewhere strategic so she can find them) then blag a duty for Sunday so you can getaway on Sunday and spend the day either harassing the OH or in the Mess bar :D
  6. Just spend the entire weekend post-funeral pissed.....might make it entertaining with the extended family, and as an added bonus if you drink too much they might try and get rid of you.
  8. Do you have any fit sisters? If so, I'll got to the funeral in your stead.

    Saying that, is your old dear fit?
  9. 1. Civies are weak, so ignore their ramblings in your head

    2. It is your duty to raise a glass to dead dead granny, but you cannot drink and drive. Therefore I believe you have a moral obligation to grannie's memory to get down the M40 asap so you can pay your respects.

    3. FFS do NOT tell your OC that the funeral was Sunday and take Wednesday off for the funeral. Probably need to leave early Tuesday lunch time to avoid driving while tired and leaving plenty of time for proper rest breaks.

    Hope that helps.
  10. Dont forget its a golden opportunity to smash fuck out of that relative that you hate in a drunken haze :D
  11. mysteron

    mysteron LE Book Reviewer

    I have the solution.

    Go to the garage and get some flowers - get the cheapest on offer ones - it is only for the weekend.

    Whilst you are there, get a few slabs of stella and few bottles of Bucky (or equivalent) and a box of milk tray (or a creme egg will do for your mam).

    Pitch up tonight and get chunderingly drunk, prove how hard you are with a one man lift of your gran and do a single man stretcher race, lob her in the hole, chunder your drunken guts over the coffin, hide the mess with some dirt and perhaps a consider this as a great opportunity to do a sneaky "Cleveland Steamer" (hey, it is all degradable), then lead the motion to the wake - continue to get chunderingly drunker.

    Ensure you vomit over your most annoying aunt and punch the shoite out of Uncle knobhead (the one that touched your dirty when you were 9 years old). Once you have done all of that - calmly toss the creme egg to your mam along with the garage flowers and tell her how much you love her and it is for mother's day.

    Next day, no-one from the family will speak to you and your mum will want to forget Mother's Day for the rest of her life.

    Questions? :thumleft:
  12. Yes

    Do you do bookings as Im busy for the next reli plantathon
  13. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Saying that was your gran fit?
  14. Go, get sh1t faced and remind mum about why you joined up and how you had a disappointing childhood/up bringing and couldn't wait to leave, not forgetting to mention that you "blame the parents" and "how grandma was always a better mother to you".

    You'll find you wont need to buy anything for the Sunday as mother will have disowned you. Simples.
  15. Get pissed first thing in the morning, then when the service is over, come running out of the church/chapel/place of worship and dive in to the hole prepared for granny and start setting up a defence post whilst shouting" C'mon you huns, taste good old British lead and steel"