Mopeds in London

Just in from the ride home. What the Biggins has happened to mopeds in London? In the 70s and 80s, a moped was something you stole from your best mate to try to get Jennifer Baker’s knickers frothy. But I have to report that this is very much no longer the case! Now that I’ve given up the old £100 a week train ticket from deepest Sussex to London Bridge, I find myself daily on the A23. Pulling up to the lights in some charming hamlet such as Brixton, all is right with the world as I dissolve into reverie, thinking such happy thoughts as “Wow. I must be someone really special to have such a shiny motorcycle” or wondering how my penis has grown 2.47 inches since the purchase. Or even, “Boll0cks. This didn’t used to be a one-way street” But, Oh Sons of Khaki, my reverie is swiftly awoken by mopeds. All around me. 97 of the little twunts like mosquitoes surrounding me and overfeckingtaking your gallant hero to go to the very front of the front. Then once the lights change they ‘spring’ forwards at all of 10 mph (and they feckin’ wobble as they do it!) meaning I now need to navigate through the little sods to be at the forefront of the march to London Bridge. I have a BMW 1200GS. They have mopeds. Ergo I am in charge. Jesus suffering wanksock, one of them even started beeping for me to get out of his way when I couldn’t get through between two vans. I politely turned around and once I’d told him to fuck the fuck off and that if he beeped me again he’d need to brace himself for a five-knuckle boarding party, he lifted his lid to show the visage of a 50 year old librarian. A 50 year old female librarian! Now, I am a mild-mannered sort of chap as you know but if there’s one thing I hate, it’s cnuting librarians. Having aquainted her with a whole new world of professional swearing, I attempted to ride off only to be surrounded once more by 42 of the sods on Vespas. Do these thicksickles have some sort of union on the go? I mean, where the hell have they come from? It never used to be like this. They undertake, forcing cars out into my bit of the road. They cut up cyclists in bus lanes (fair enough) and generally hoon about like they own the place. Which they do not.

I do.


I understand why they have mopeds. Hell, I even sort of think of them as fellow bikers (although what the fuck the utter, utter cock-end on London Bridge was doing this morning on a Piaggio with a sort of lap rug made out of tartan is beyond me. I mean, why would you want a feckin’ RUG on a moped? Is he some sort of compulsive onanist? Is he knocking one out at the lights? I think we should be told. And if you do need a rug then why have one in tartan? If he's got The Gay then why can't he just buy a pink moped and be done with it? GS12s are super-het so I'm safe like but FFS. Lap. Rug. Tartan. Not words one wants to see again in a sentence).

Having said that, Darwinism comes into it in the long run perhaps. Over the last month I've only seen 1 bike accident (GSXR 750) but off the top of my head I've seen 3 scooters mangled - including one flattened by a Maserati Quattro Porte last night, one dickhead going flying through the air in Battersea after an abrupt T-bone stop (that's what you get for flying down a bus lane) and one flattened by mummy dropping off the kids (Big sign saying School Slow The F.uck Down)

However, on the good side, I did see what has got to be the sexiest thing ever in Brixton this morning – the lesser spotted traffic officer – lumpy jumper model Mark 1. This must be the feckin' perfect missus. I mean, when I’m riding like a twat she’ll sort me out. If I’m in a spot of bother I can leave it to her to deal with and best of all, when I’m pissed up and decide to take the bike home, she can arrest me. Kinky or what! Then she can let me go! Probly.

So, I shall leave you with a poem. Here’s to you my BMW Lady (usual apologia to Betjeman).

You came into my life on the A twenty-threeeee,
I had visions of us together on the way to the seeeea,
But you didn’t notice me on my shiny new steeeeed
You just rode past me and my heart it did bleeeeed.

But I don’t care too much ‘cos I'm not sure I'm right
See, you're probly quite racist and not all that bright
And you were really quite fat and your Beemer was shoite
And lasses are rubbish when it comes to bikes
So I think I’ll just leave it if that would be alright?

Yeah, just leave me alone you fascistic bitch
I never even noticed you proply, so swivel on this!
But I quite like the arrest idea - I could start a fight
Or to make it easier, you can smash my brake light!

Yes, arrest me you harridan,
Kick in my back light!
I’ll be your prisoner
I won’t put up a fight.

But now I’m worried again about you being so fat,
And the suspension on my Beemer might not cope with that.
So it’s off to the loo for a five minute thrap
while I think of stuffing your tail-pipe back at your flat.
So.....if I was behind you on my (substantially thinner) ZX-10R and indicated my displeasure at you blocking a gap I could get through just fine.......would that be a subtle hint to get something faster than the old plodder German thing you're riding?

You're being overtaken my mopeds man, ferchristsakes open the throttle more.
Well, I sold my Busa and a ZX9 last month and the GS is far quicker in traffic than both. I mean, I'm saying hello to people on buses - on the upper deck :)

But if you were behind me on a ZX10R and wanted me to move over then I would do so, then I'd overtake you on the pull away. :twisted:
real men use bicycles
metrosexual's use mopeds and should be culled
proper homosexuals ride motorbike its the one piece leathers isn't it :twisted:
Friend of mine just sent me this:

Mopeds are an optical illusion, like the desert mirage they don't exist.
If they can manoever in front of you at the lights, you stopped in the wrong place.
Moped rigers average 16 years of age, they are thus invulnerable and immortal
The lap rug is the moped equivalent of waterproofs. They don't need protective clothing - see above - but get their Guccis wet and its teddies from the pram time.
Mopeds cannot see BMWs, that's why they collide so often. It's either that or they are driven by the same sort of personality......
Scooters are NOT bikers. They are only slightly above cyclists on the Queen's Highway evolutionary timeline.

A motorcycle has wheels bigger than the pram on the footpath being pushed byu the 14 year old chav 'family' :)

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