MOD's Twelve Days Of Xmas

Discussion in 'Armed Forces Jokes' started by Covert Monkey, Oct 31, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. The Prime Minister has authorised the Ministry Of Defence to assist Father Christmas with the Twelve Days of Christmas.

    Status of acquisitions follows:

    Day 1- Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and RAF are in the process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under. Since the partridge is a bird, the RAF believes it should have the lead. The Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command's area of responsibility. After three months of discussion and repeated 'Table Top Exercises', a £1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.

    Day 2 - Two turtle doves: Since doves are birds, the RAF claims responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the RN/RM team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of reference are being coordinated for a four-year, £10 million defence quango.

    Day 3 - Three French Hens: At Foreign Office instigation, the Minister on Foreign Affairs has blocked offshore purchase of hens, from the French or anyone else. A £6M program is being developed to find an acceptable domestic alternative.

    Day 4 - Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with the contract awarded to Vodaphone. However, the award is being challenged by a small disadvantaged business.

    Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating. A three-year, £5M accelerated development program has been initiated.

    Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However, the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at a former RAF base that was closed under 'Options For Change'.

    Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying to get through SBS selection. The program has been put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the fall-out rate is so high.

    Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids a milking training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit.

    Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association." Members (mainly 3 Cdo Bde) claim they have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as long as they're off duty (unless Happy Hour has been called at 42 Cdo's Sgts Mess).

    Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by terrorists. Westminster has approved £2M in funding to conduct a rescue operation. 22 SAS & SBS are 'spoofing' for the right to rescue. US SF assistance not required on this occasion.

    Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on time. However, he thought the MOD wanted smoking pipes. MOD lost the claim due to defective specifications. A £22M dollar retrofit program is in process to bring the pipes into spec.

    Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are available for drumming drummers. The MOD is in the process of coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until Feb 2015.

    As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a High OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernisation funds to support current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.