MoD to reveal new Heavy Land Combat Platform


War Hero
Sir Sir Dr. Tarquin Ambishusse-Medee-Ockrarty, OBN, today announced that the British Army is to receive what he termed the "Heavy Land Combat Platform". He did so with these words:

"We are proud to announce that, as part of the Army's dedication both to innovate and to maintain its proud and glorious traditions, in conversation with both BAE and the Household Division, we will deploy the new Heavy Land Combat Platform by 2031 to replace our Challenger 2 assets. This will also be termed the "Challenge to Russian Incursions in Overseas Territory" (CHARIOT) and it will enable us to counteract any unwelcome visitors from unfriendly nations quickly, boldly and decisively. CHARIOT is a trustworthy and battle-tested platform, having seen combat most recently at the Battle of Mons Graupius. An off-road vehicle, CHARIOT integrates both human and equine excellence through the complementarity of its lightweight and agile engineering. CHARIOT is also a "net zero" vehicle, producing no fossil fuel emissions while also providing both a receptacle for edible disposables and tertiary posterior feedback, which can be used to foster organic food for our troops. It will also enable us to use more of the Army's horses more regularly and to expand this critical facet of our military effectiveness. At present, it is our intention to arm CHARIOT (for but not) with our new Composite Manual Missile Projection System (under development as LONg-range unGuided BOW, or LONGBOW). Its projectile, the ARmy Ranged Object Weapon (ARROW, for short) will be issued only in wartime, to maintain precious stocks. We foresee that we will be able to provide the public with outstanding value while deterring potential enemies from ever entering for Royal Ascot, or being impolite about Greta Thunberg ever again."

Miss Moneygrubber, the representative of BAE, was asked about the cost of the new systems. She responded:

"We are excited by the Army's decision to continue with this bold project. At present, in 2021 prices, we expect to provide 150 platforms at a cost of approximately £3,000,000,000. LONGBOW and ARROW are, alas, still uncosted. The MoD has indicated that they may decide to purchase these at a later date, which may affect their cost."
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Book Reviewer
Can’t wait to have a cabby on this. The cynical old trooper in me suspects it will spend more time in stables than on the range(road).
But if it means a return to proper stable belts, then that’s progress.
Fitted for but not with BVs ?

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