Mockney Fool: Scoff inspired by Jamies AntiChav Campaign

By popular demand (over in the Int Cell)
Boris slams Jamie's food crusade
some quick, tasty nourishing scran.

Take the p*ss if you must.

On the other hand, if you have favourite recipes that even an infantryman can cook for his kids, or in the field for that matter for him and his oppo; bung it in here.

Cordon Bleus - naff off and get your own thread.

​

 

Stonker's Rustic Pork Chops​

Serves 4

Prep time less than 30 mins
Cooking time 1 to 2 hours

Ingredients​

3 onions, sliced
4 tomatoes, cores removed and sliced (if you don't core them, this gets very juicy)
2 or 3 Red and green peppers, cored and cut into slices (optional)
180g/6oz maple cure streaky bacon rashers, roughly chopped (or Tesco/Aldi lardons/bacon bits)
4 pork loin chops or steaks (best with no bone)
240ml/8fl oz chicken stock
1 tbsp tomato puree
1 tsp wholegrain mustard
2 tsp clear honey
salt and pepper to taste

Method​

1. Lay the sliced onions and tomato in a shallow casserole dish or a roasting pan (you'll need foil to cover it).
2. Scatter the chopped rashers over and arrange the pork chops on
top.
3. Stir the tomato puree, mustard and honey into the stock, and pour it
over the other ingredients.
4. Season to taste and bake covered at 170C/325F/Gas 3 for about
1 hour, taking the lid off 15 minutes before the end of cooking time to brown the chops (I crank it up to Gas 4 at this point).

Serve with mash, polenta, green veg, fresh crusty bread . . .

 

Stonker's simple Tomato Sauce for Pasta

Serves 4 (as a simple sauce with pasta) and maybe 6 to 8 with the meatballs: but my 3 lads clear the lot.

Quick, simple, cheap, filling, tasty . . .

Ingredients and Method

Halve, and then finely slice a couple of cricket-ball sized red onions
Squash and finely chop a good fat garlic clove
Open a couple of tins of Aldi chopped tomatoes with herbs
Get a handful of fresh basil and/or bruised rosemary leaves, finely chopped if you can.
Have your meatballs (Tesco Danish are good - also IKEA!) to hand.
Olive oil (Aldi and Lidl both do good oil cheap enough to use liberally)

In a decent sized saucepan:
Cook the garlic in a good lug of olive oil for a minute or two, until soft and sweet.
Add the onions, some more olive oil if needed, and cook with a lid on, until they are soft, sweet, and beginning to brown slightly (10 mins)

Bung in the tomatoes and herbs and stir
Bring to the boil and simmer, long enough for you to:
Cook your pasta (and if you have a tribe to feed, microwave your meatballs)

Stand by to referee the fight between the boys for seconds.

 

Stonker's Pasta alla Carretiere

Serves 4
Difficulty: easy peasy
Prep: 10 mins
Cooking: 30 mins min - but the sauce is much better simmered for about 45 mins

Ingredients
Smoked bacon lardons 1 pack (100-125g) .
(At a pinch, chop up some good bacon rashers, but supermarket ones tend to be full of added salt and water and are nowhere near as good as the real thing. Ideally - and it makes an absolutely MA-HOOSSIVE difference - use a similar quantity of proper Italian Pancetta from a real Italian deli, chopped into small cubes).
Tuna 1 can
(Tuna steak is better than chunks. Tuna in oil spits less than tuna in brine/spring water)
Italian Cherry Tomatoes 1 can
(From Waitrose/Sainsburys – nice and sweet. Tinned chopped tomatoes are OK as a substitute).
Garlic 1 or 2 cloves
Porcini - dried mushrooms - about ¾ dessert spoon between 4.
(dried ceps mushrooms. Waitrose/Tesco/Morrisons/Budgens all do them. They have a very strong flavour and cost a fortune - use them very sparingly. I've also used a couple of tinned anchovies for a change.)
Olive oil

Pasta; about 3½ oz/pers
(Purists - spaghetti; Northern Europeans - fusilli is good)

Method
Place the mushrooms in a small dish, cover with boiling water, and leave to soak for 10 mins. Add to the sauce at the same time as you begin to cook the pasta,

Peel and squash the garlic (put it under the flat of your kitchen knife, and thump it with your fist), fry in a saucepan till softened and golden
(tip: put the garlic in the oil, before you sart to heat it; this helps to avoid scorching the garlic).

Add the bacon/pancetta, fry until cooked through.

Drain the tuna and add to the pan; stir and simmer for 5 mins, till it takes up the bacon flavour.

Add the tomatoes to the sauce, bring to the boil, simmer for at least 20 mins (45 mins is better).

Meantime, cook your pasta, and stir the mushrooms into the sauce.

Serve, with grated parmesan or black pepper to taste,

 

Stonker’s Chicken Cacciatore
Servings: 4
Level of difficulty: Easy
Preparation Time: 25 minutes
Cooking Time: 1 hour 30 minutes
Ingredients

Chicken - 1.35kg (any kind - an entire chicken, jointed, is traditional, but I've used all sorts. Kids like it best with skinless chicken breast)
Vegetable/sunflower oil
Olive oil 1 tbsp
large onions peeled & thick sliced-2
Tomatoes - 700g fresh/2x350g tins
Big garlic clove peeled/crushed - 1
tomato puree 1 tbsp
rosemary leaves, bruised and finely chopped 1 tbsp
bay leaf 1
dry white wine 275ml
white wine vinegar 1 tbsp
salt and fresh ground black pepper


Method
Season the chicken joints with salt and pepper seasoned flour. (put the whole lot in a plastic bag and give it a good shake - you don’t need tons of flour on the chicken, it will scorch and spoil the taste of the finished dish)
Fry the chicken in a casserole in really hot sunflower/veg oil (hot so it shimmers - but not smoking) to brown it well on all sides: each joint needs to be a lovely golden-brown colour all over.
When done, if the oil is black, replace it with fresh olive oil before the next step. Otherwise, add some olive oil to what’s left, until you’ve enough.

Add the onions to the casserole, turn the heat down to medium and cook for 8-10 minutes, until softened and nicely browned at the edges.

OPTIONAL
If using fresh tomatoes, skin them now. To do this, boil them in a pan of water for a minute or two to loosen the skins, before draining and slipping off their skins (protect your hands with a cloth if they are too hot), then chop them quite small.

When the onions are browned, add the garlic to the casserole, let this cook for gently about a minute, until it is soft and sweet: don’t let it scorch.

Then add
tomatoes,
tomato puree,
rosemary,
bay leaf,
white wine and white wine vinegar.
seasoning
Bring to the boil,

OPTIONAL
Let it reduce uncovered to about half its original volume, - about 20 minutes. (n.b. I don’t bother with this bit - just put the chicken in and bung it in the oven at mark 5 for an hour)

MY WAY
Add the chicken pieces, stir them around a bit to sink them, then put the lid on and allow to simmer gently for at least 40 minutes, until the chicken joints are cooked through. Once it’s edible, you can keep it on a low heat for ages before serving.

This is good served with green tagliatelle, noodles, rice, polenta, nice fresh crusty bread or a simple vegetable (mash, perhaps?).

 

Sniper_Bob's Corned Beef Hash

Serves 2
Prep time 10 mins
Cooking time 15 mins

1 tin of corned beef
1 onion, finely chopped
3 potatoes, boiled and roughly chopped

Fry onion till brown. Chop corned beef into a bowl, add fried onion and diced potatoes. Mix well.

Turn into a greased frying pan and pat flat, then cover with a plate and fry for about 15 mins until the outside is crisp and brown. Turn out onto a warmed dish, fried side high, add TK, tobasco or L&P but preferably Linghams.

MARVELLOUS!

 

Sniper_Bob's Hangover Cure

half pint milk
2 raw eggs
1 teaspoon L&P
1 glass

Pour milk into glass, quietly. Add raw eggs. Whisk. Add L&P. Take deep breath and down the hatch.

 

Stonker's Hangover Cure:
More beer.

 

Sniper_Bob's veal meet again

Serves 4
Prep time 10 mins
Cooking time 20 mins

2 veal kidneys
7oz foie gras mousse with truffles (tinned)
3.5oz double cream
3.5oz Cognac
1oz butter

Cut kidneys into small pieces. Heat butter in small pan, add kidneys, cover and cook gently for 5 mins.

Melt foie gras mousse over kidneys and add Cognac. At the last minute, stir in the cream. Add salt & pepper to taste. Serve on hot toast.

 

Tartan_Terrier's breakfast of champions Serves one.

Fry the contents of one packet of bacon til crispy-ish.

Open tin of HEINZ beans (they are the best) and empty contents into frying pan.

Sprinkle four-five heaped spoonfuls of curry powder on to beans, stir.

Keep stirring over a medium heat until you have an orangey/brown mush.

Eat immediately direct from the pan with half a loaf of buttered bread, and a pot of coffe to wash it down.

(Small sausages, raisins, or whatever you fancy can be added if desired).

 

. . bloody glad I was never on half rations, downwind of your OP . . .DROOOOOLLLLL . . .

 

FFS this is ARRSE not Rear Party

 

Pre-prep, try to shoot the young calf in the head... not the kidneys.

 

Kn*b off - if you want to stay well - eat well.

You don't have to read the thread.

Have a nice day.

 

Microwave Chilli

Ingredients

500gms minced Beef
I large chopped onion
1 oz of plain flour
half tspn ground cumin
half tspn oregano
1 tblspn hot chilli powder
large splash of black pepper
1 oz butter
1 can of chopped tomatoes
1 can chilli kidney beans
2 tspns tomato puree
1 garlic clove


Method

Place the onion, tomato puree, and garlic into a micorwavable dish and stir well. Place
a lid on the dish, and microwave on full power for 5 minutes.

Remove lid when done, and stir in the butter until melted.

Add the flour, ground cumin, oregano, chilli powder and pepper. Stir well.
Add the chopped tomatoes, stir well.
Then add the minced beef and stir again.

Return to the microwave and nuke on full power for 4 minutes (uncovered)

Stir, and nuke again on full power for a further 4 minutes.

Add the chilli kidney beans, and nuke for a further 4 minutes.

This works well with basmati rice.

I like to add a few chopped fresh chillis, or cayenne pepper to give it more oomph !!