Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses. Seven wheelchair athletes were banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last years riots....your one year manufacturers warranty runs out soon. ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!