The Ministry of Deference Lesbian, Bisexual, Trans-gendered Forum recently held it’s AGM and bash in the luxurious grounds of the Royal Edinburgh Hospital for The Incurables and Incorrigible. It was a pretty muted affair by normal standards but the activity can be summarised as follows:

The reception was held in the former Grand Ballroom. Various sponsors were there, including the usual representation from some of Thailand’s most prestigious ‘hospitals’, Anne Summers Bizarre Range, and LatexIsUs. Canapés such as sausage rolls, pork nibbles and fish bites were available, and the great and the good mixed in an atmosphere of conviviality, only marred when Jim’s gold lurex top was irreversibly stained as Big Marge threw a glass of organic prune juice over her partner in a row over whose tattoos were the moSt impressive.

After retiring to the Committee Room the serious business got underway. First item on the agenda was the delegate from the Outer Hebrides outlining the impact his haemorrhoids were having on maintaining a fulfilling relationship with his partner and demanding that something be done about it. This caused a great deal of discussion, and many solutions were forthcoming, including the lavish application of creams and the possibility of the Ministry of Deference providing counselling and funding for surgery. Whilst the Chair sympathised he felt a back-door approach was not constructive, and directed that further detailed investigation of the issue be implemented by Jemima from the typing pool, who had experienced a similar problem whilst stoking for the Merchant Navy, and whose innovative use of a plastic pipette had overcome the issue.

Just as they were about to move to Agenda Item 2 Mollie from Registry ripped off his M & S twin-set and leapt onto the table revealing both his leather-clad business areas, and the newly-embossed tattoo on his modest chest, to all and sundry. The tattoo read All Cocks Are Beautiful, abbreviated on his knuckles to read ACAB. This brought an immediate response from Cathy the Ministry of Deference police representative who, although loath to drag himself away from fondling the delights of the TG next to him, and the ogling of the gal across the hall whose flexible strap-on was dangling just below the hemline of his leather apron, protested that ACAB was already in use by the police’s customer base, and that any attempt to widen it’s use would devalue the brand. Mollie was swiftly removed from the room and put in the recreational cellars to cool off.

Agenda 2 was about expanding leisure opportunities for members, in particular seeking approval for the setting up of the internet-based holiday site called ‘Cottaging in Provence’. This was approved subject to Cathy, the police rep, gaining assurances from her French colleagues that the LBTG would receive a cut off the profits from any video surveillance recording sales that subsequently occurred.

There being no further business the meeting adjourned to the Dog and Ferret where business could be resumed in the discrete cubicles maintained by Doug and Den, two former Met policewomen who brought years of experience of running vice rings to their new-found disorderly house.
And tucked away in the corner was the 'Free Samples' stand. I was particularly taken by the range of butt plugs (available in your Team's colours) with the special buy 2 get "Insert Here" tattooed on your arrse offer.
So that's what LBTG stands for. I thought it was some kind of Engineer bridging equipment.

ARRSE: it's not just for wasting time at work, you know.

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