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Military Universal Truths


We've all heard (or read) Peter Kay's version:

At the end of a party, there's always a woman crying, you never know where to look when eating a banana etc.

But how many military themed ones spring to mind?

To start you off I've thought of a few during the silent hours...

1. There are not enough nurses in Guildford off duty at any one time to fill a bus and turn up at your end-of-course piss-up.
2. The PTI will insist you're 'not working hard enough' until about 5 minutes before the end of the lesson where you'll suddenly be putting in 'lots of effort', despite crawling instead of running, and snot blowing out of both nostrils instead of carbon dioxide.
3. No PTI actually understands that 3 pico-seconds is actually 3 x 10 to the power of -12, or 0.000000003 seconds.
4. It's always the bloke in your unit that has rich parents and owns a Porsche that wins the Sports Lottery.
5. The front cover of Soldier Magazine will always feature a woman / gay person / ethnic person and contain at least one letter about medals.
6. On the first night of ex / tour / adv trg, someone will always have a big **** / dump and proudly announce they have done so during your first meal.
7. The biggest / hardest guy in your sect / pl / troop will have an even bigger and harder missus.
8. Despite having the T-Card system in place, You will always find yourself on duty more times than anyone else.
9. The paragraph on Part One Orders you skimmed will always be the bit that trips you up.
10. In your op tour / ex thunderbox, someone will always draw on one side "toilet tennis - look left" and "toilet tennis - look right" on the other. Although their left & right might not always be accurate.
11. The 'camp bike' you've heard so much about will suddenly develop a sense of morality when you try to have a go on her.
12. Civilians assume you know every single other person in the British Army, Royal Navy and Roy... The Crabs.

Over to you...
You can see a full selection of the kit you should have been issued for the tour/op/Ex modeled by the rear ech.

The perks that are enjoyed by LCpls/Cpls/Sgts/SSgts/WOs will have disappeared by the time you attain the rank.

The leave and movements clerk will always have a full leave card dispite never being there.

Chest poking in the mess seems like a good idea at the time.


Someone will always assume the search function was never used when in fact it was

...and returned zip, nadda etc.

But come now - that's an ARRSE Universal Truth now isn't it?
When you join your new unit it's assumed you've never, ever done a duty before and will be on guard within 24 hrs.
Your new quarter is never as clean as the one you handed over.
The useful geezits your new mates hand you are woefully out of date.
The handy shell scrape the last unit left behind that you thought had saved you hours of digging has an entire unit worth of turds buried 1 inch below the bottom.
Whenever you're on Ops there'll be some minted civvy techie in the next bunk being paid £1,000 a day to do crosswords and BLR/BER all the kit he's supposed to be looking after. :wink:
The 'civvy' driving his daughter in Central London that you moon at from the (Army) coach on your way back from playing rugby will turn out to be the GOC London District.
The "civvy" following a 4 Tonner full of Pre Para students back from the South Downs actually turned out to be an RMP Major.

He didn't find it amusing in the least that his windscreen was sprayed with hot piss by one particularly dense individual who couldn't wait until we got to Aldershot.

The rest of the course didn't find it too amusing either once the vehicle had been stopped and the DS informed.

"pick up the log!"

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