Military History NAAFI Style

Hello NAAFI dwellers. The custard creams really are cheap in here aren't they?

My mind wandered off (momentarily) from smurfing Angelina Jolie's left nipple whilst wearing a wetsuit and a viking helmet to pondering the weighty subject of military history. Like many people who work strange hours, I enjoy daytime documentaries (or Sharks'N'Nazis as Ricky Gervais would put it) many of which centre on the war-like antics of our ancient brethren.

This then got me thinking about how things change. For example, in The Olden Days the Greeks were rock hard, quite often for each other. They were the most badass army in the world with their phalanxes of hoplites marching around and invading places (etc). What happened? How did such a proud warrior tradition go from this to this?

OTOH, the British army, such as it was went from lager-fuelled hooligans dressed in checked trousers armed with axes to today's utterly brilliant British army. What a reversal of fortune or what?

Can anybody else think of dramatic historical examples of proud warriors turning from rock-hard geezers into girls?

Romans, without doubt. Disciplined, deadly and utterly fearless. Then they became the Italians, who make love with their mouths and couldn't fight their way out of a Blue Peter Studio.
How about the Italians? Legions conquered one of the largest Empires ever seen. Hard as nails Gladiators.

Their successors- the Carabinieri who are as camp as a camp thing with beards so well trimmed they make Craig David look like David Bellamy (oh, and according to the papers some cnut on Big Brother who left because his oppo was killed in a trg accident).

Mind you were the legions so tough because of the non-Italians recruited in?

(No pics to illustrate because I'm not too techno-savvy)
The French have always been Surrender monkeys and gutless Mo-Fos

A little concerned that Veg couldn't find a better picture of an ancient Greek Warrior and had to put up a Ginger septic in a leather frock.
The Mongol Hordes, once feared warriors across vast tracts of the world. No go to 'special' schools and lick windows
essexbob said:
The Mongol Hordes, once feared warriors across vast tracts of the world. Now go to 'special' schools and lick windows
Edited as I have my Mong head on
Vegetius said:
A little concerned that Veg couldn't find a better picture of an ancient Greek Warrior and had to put up a Ginger septic in a leather frock.
You tellin' me that Brad Pitt ain't Greek?

doing Greek does not make you Greek :D
The Carthaginians, you know Hannibal, elephants big spear weilding badasses in shirts - took on rome and greece, kicked their arrses a lot, now known as Tunisia - where they make friendship bracelets and kebabs. That Samir (who married Deidre on Coronation Street) was from round there, look what happened to him - a few measly oiks give him a shoeing and he ends up with his life support machine turned off - wouldn't have happened if he'd been trained in the use of the Carthaginian Throwing Spear or Fighting Axe.
^ Yes, excellent point which brings me onto the Macedonians. Alexander the Great had Angelina Jolie for a mum *and* he did her (I've seen the film), was a military genius and could beat up elephants. And he ruled the known world by the time he was twelve.

Now look at them. They sit in the hills with moustaches and bolt-action rifles, killing each other's civilians for reasons even they can't remember. That's when they're not pirating Bulgarian porn DVDs.




Arminius, beat the crap out of a legion or two, expert at guerrilla warfare and survival tactics. Now just an object of ridicule in a big skirt overlooking Sennelager. In a silly hat.
Transylvania, now part of Romania. Vlad The Impaler was from round there and anyone known as "The Impaler" is either the one guy who everyone else refuses to shower with in C Wing of Belmarsh, or he's a pretty hardcore muddyfunkster. The whole region trembled at the mention of his mighty army, now the country is full of fat blokes eating soup and bald skinny kids comfort-rocking in mucky cots.
I can't believe that nobody has mentioned the Vikings yet.

There they are, the most blood-spattered, raping-and-pillaging gangstas of the dark ages. Beserking uber-warriors high on mead and kicking the snot out of anybody who got in the way of their lust for battle, loot and curvy blonde babes in loose-fitting fur garments.

Now what? Rather dull blokes in rimless specs who drive sensible angular estate cars and build stylish wooden houses near lakes. Paying about 90% tax. What a disgraceful waste of a promising legacy, eh?

Vikings ... shield biting, axe weilding, psycho traders who discovered spamland in nothing more than the sort of boat you rent for an hour on boating ponds reduced to producing ABBA singles and really nice, affordable furniture.
Hey Veg, great minds think alike!
<Slowly pops his head up from behind sandbag wall>

The Scots - once scary red-haired men in kilts carrying big swords. They thoroughly kicked our arrse at Bannockburn, sacked york and lay seize to a roundabout on the A1 near catterick. Now they all look like Marty Pello, drink too much and do heroin while singing along to A-Live and Kicking or somesuch. The only scary ones are the ones that look strangely Fijian or the big blokes in the rugby team who sound strangely Kiwi or Aussie.

<drops back behind sandbags and puts hands over ears>


Don't you think that the modern-day Vikings, seeing what has become of their discovery, might feel like keeping a low profile these days?

bit unfair on us scots. You just need to check out any rangers/celtic game to see that the tradition of inter clan combat is still alive. And if they ever let the tartan army back to wem-ber-ley, I'm sure a lesson in looting and pillaging can be arranged.

The tartan army in silly wigs and dancing in fountains is just to ensure they will get the chance to trash wem-ber-ley once more as their forefathers did.
As a retort to RTFQ's jibe at the scots, how about the English?

Once feared as a world beating nation, who liked to pick fights with the hairy porridge wogs on the otherside of hadrians wall. Think Edward Longshanks, 'Hammer of the Scots'. He used to enjoy sending his massed ranks up north to kick the peasants into shape, and take a few buxom wenches back as his prize.

Now look where you are.

Peter Mandelson negotiating for your govt with 'them' (fritz and pierre) from across the channel. Where did it all go wrong :D

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