Middle wife

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own infants classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell ... that's where we had to take something into class, show it and explain what it was. So I always find time to do the same with my class of infants. It helps them get over shyness and is usually pretty tame. Kids bring in pet mice, model airplanes, photos of fish they catch, things like that. And ... I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in and talk about it, they are welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing child, takes she turn and waddles up to the front of class with a huge cushion stuffed up her jumper. She holds a photograph of a baby.

"This is Luke, my baby brother an' l'm gonna tell you about his birthday. First Mummy an' Daddy made him as a symbol of their love an' then Daddy put a seed in my Mummy's tummy an' Luke grew there. He ate for nine months through the umbrella cord."

To demonstrate, Erica put a hand behind her back and groans and then does a hysterical duck walk, still groaning like mad. Then she carries on ...

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies but she doesn't have a sign on her car like the Indian takeaway man. They got my Mummy to lie down in bed like this."
Erica lies down with her back against the wall and the tale goes on ...

"An' then, pop! My Mummy had this bag of water she kept in there in case the baby got thirsty an' it just blew up an' spilled all over the bed, like Pssshhheew!"

At this point in the story Erica has her legs spread wide with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying push, push an' breathe, breathe. They started counting but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. Urgh! He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mummy's play-centre, so there must have been a lot of toys up there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.
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