Mick & Paddy

Discussion in 'Blue Jokes' started by Boozy, Oct 12, 2011.

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  1. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and Playing with himself in front of a tractor.

    Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what're ye doing?"

    Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been gettin' on in the bedroom lately & the Therapist recommended Oi do something sexy to attracter....."
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  2. Back in the day Mick and Paddy worked at BAC. One day they were on their way to clock off when they noticed a drip-drip-drip of a clear fluid from the Concorde nearest to their work bench. Mick got a jar and collected some of the fluid. He sniffed it and took a sip. "Jayzuz Pat, get yerself a jar darlin', this is the real McCoy alright!"

    Paddy and Mick drank a hell of a lot of the liquid and then staggered home to their digs, pledging lifelong bezzy mates. At half-five Mick is awoken by the phone...the line is bad and buzzing but he makes out Paddy's voice.

    "Mick is that yourself ?"

    "Yes Pat, so it is. What's the matter Mick?"

    "Go to the nathroom and check your nose? Is it bigger than last night?"

    Mick trots to the mirror and rushes back. "Yes Pat, it is so and drooping off me face too!"

    "And is yer arms making a delta configuration behind yer back Mick?"

    "Dear heavens they are...this is a terrible line..."

    "Well for the dear God's sake don't fart, I'm in Dubai..."

    My late father-in-law's only joke...he designed the nose on Concorde and we still have his original proof drawings.
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  3. Bejazus Boozy, dat wuz fukkin awfull!
  4. Paddy says to Mick, I'm getting circumcised tomorrow. Mick says, I had that done when i was a few days old. Paddy asks "Does it hurt?" Mick says, Well I couldn't fucking walk for 18mths!"
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  5. Paddy & Mick are walking down Kensington High street when they see a sign in a shop window "Suits £15, Jackets £10, Trousers £7".

    Paddy says to Mick, "Jaysus, look at dem prices. We could buy a load of that kit, take it back to Dublin and make a fecking killing"

    Mick says "You're right, but if they twig we're Oirish, they'll never sell it to us"

    So Paddy goes into the shop and in his best English accent says "Can I please have 20 suits, 30 Jackets and 30 pairs of trousers?"

    "You're Irish aren't you?" says the bloke.

    "Feck" says Paddy, "how did you know?"

    "Because this is a dry cleaners"
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  6. Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are getting intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday".

    Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

    The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

    Paddy says to Mick, “I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. ” Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?” Paddy replies, “I'll take her with me!”

    Paddy goes to America for the 1st time, walking up 5th Avenue. He sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows. He shouts up, “I'm Paddy John Dara O'Neill, an Irish rugby player, jump and I'll catch ya.” A girl jumps out and Paddy catches her, a guy jumps and Paddy gets him too. Then a black guy jumps and Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up, “Come on now folks, there's no point throwing down the burnt ones!!”

    Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year." Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

    Paddy and Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy, "We'll lie and say we only found two.

    "Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
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  7. Paddy says to Mick, 'If I shagged your wife would we be related?'

    'No' says Mick, 'we'd be even....!'
  8. Paddy goes to the doctors.

    'It's a delicate subject' he says, 'but me and the wife have been married a number of years, and the sex is great but, well, is there anything you can do to make the hole tight again?'

    The doc replies, 'it's a little taboo Paddy, but have you tried using the other hole?'

    'What!!' exclaims Paddy, 'and risk getting the fucker pregnant?'!!