Method of eliminatio

#1
I have shared a billet with a subaltern who has spent the entire night snoring his head off. The snoring has varied in pitch and tone through out the night resulting in no sleep for me. I'm now starting to descend into maddness due to sleep deprivation and in a couple of hours I face a route march in the pissing rain.

Ladies and Gentleman, how would you kill this c*nt?
 
#2
Man up and apply an AP boot to the twunts swede vigourously.
Then hang yourself for being such a heemer as to put up with it all night.
 
M

Mark The Convict

Guest
#3
Give Dale his contact details, and tell her he's got a pony. The ruthless harassment will drive him to suicide in hours.
 
#4
ru
Man up and apply an AP boot to the twunts swede vigourously.
Then hang yourself for being such a heemer as to put up with it all night.
HIgh velocity boot applied to Lt C*nts head, brief lull but soon back to snoring. Point taken about being a heemer, will pick up the mess webley later and do the decent thing.
 
#6
Ladies and Gentleman, how would you kill this c*nt?
No need to kill him, I could affect your career.

Enlist a few of your brother officers (you do have some friends?) to help you carry his bed out through the fire door while he is asleep. Close and secure all entrances.

It gives some respite and imparts a clear message!

However the snorer to whom I accorded this attention eventually came off best - he secured a two-man room all to himself! (and we could still hear him through the very thin partitioning).

Do not throw boots - you will possibly find them sent onward through a window.
 
#7
Or, alternatively, dig your issued ear protection out (you know, the little yellow / green plastic thingies in the matchbox-sized container??) and either

a/ put them in your ears - they're quite handy for that, I've found - or

b/ use the handy little cord that comes with them to garrotte him.

Oh, and I suppose you could add in the "Boot to Swede" option if you were feeling violent!!

Pitswamper has the finale to this episode banged to rights in his second line.
 
#10
Stand above his bed as if you're going to have a piss, shake his bed so he wakes up and spots you about to swamp on him, he'll wake up and shout at you so pretend you're sleepwalking, mumble something about "it's alright clare, susan said this is the toilet" then stumble back to your pit. The twat snoring will be petrified your going to swamp on him at some point during the night so will stay awake to make sure you dont. In the meantime you'll be able to get your head down and have a snoring free nights kip.
 
#11
Go to the end of his bed and start massaging his feet with one hand whilst knocking one out with the other. At some point he'll wake up and discover you. He'll not sleep another wink and you can drift off into sleepy la-la-land.
 
B

Boozy

Guest
#12
Teaspoon of water down their open snoring gob. They think they're being drowned and wake up flaffing and flailing mwahaha. It might not stop the snoring, but it sure as hell is fun and at least he'll be as sleep deprived as you!
 

chrisg46

LE
Book Reviewer
#14
As the survivor of numerous threats due to alleged snoring ("you say I gave a snoring problem? No Sorry, I don't have a problem at all"), I have survived boots, chairs, drop kick to the leg, threats, bribes and other assorted methods to prevent snoring in my time.
The most effective has been a wet towel across the face...
 
#15
Chuck a pint of water into his face, this will wake him and you can tell him he was snorring badly. He should get the point. Tell him next time it will be piss.

Explain to him he is a threat to battallion safety as the enemy have dectors that can hear him snorring - called ears.


For a giggle, have some buddies carefully lift his bed off the ground and gently lower it onto four beer bottles so it just balances. As some point in the night he'll move and the bottles will fall over and his bed will crash down to the floor making a noise and feeling like an earthquake. At his point shout, "INCOMMING" and watch him panic. Later he might get dianosed as having PTSD.

Tell him he has obstructive Sleep Apnea and needs to see the quack about gettinig put on a CPAP machine every night. This is probably true anyway, and it will definately stop his snorring. However, he'll get medically downgraded because of this and discharged. At which point you nick the machine for your own use so you can get a god night's sleep yourself.
 
#16
Had a room snorer who was so loud a guy in the next room came in from a run ashore and was so incensed about the living Harley Davidson that he swamped all over the wretch ( and he must have had a full tank cos by fuck he could drink) who still remained blissfully asleep and in the morning was very quiet and dragged his sheets to the drying room thinking he'd let go himself .

This went on for maybe 4 nights in a row ,the guy from next door came in and repeated the measure, we didnt stop him as we were thoroughly fucked off with it too. One NAAFI break the lad quietly told me that he was really worried about his bladder and kept pissing himself . As only a true mate can I explained to him that this had happened to my Dad and he died of cancer of the bladder. He looked terrified and that night being Saturday didn't have a single alcoholic drink but nursed a coke all night and went back early. he did however snore like a fucked Harley yet again and bloke from next door repeats his performance , cue one terrified sprog reporting to sickbay with suspected bladder cancer
 
#17
Had one guy snore his guts out on a training thing, I mean the full sucking breath, rattling gasp and crunching snore, and the bastard was even smug about it the next morning ("snoring? don't know what you mean, had a lovely sleep) so we pulled the hood of the sleeping bag over his head and tied the top up . And just left him. Funnily enough he kept snoring for about five minutes until he obviously either ran out of puff or inhaled the side of his bag, cue him trying to kick his way out of the bag and muffled screams pitching to shrieks. We eventually let loose the cord and let him out , with dire warnings should he disturb our slumber again. I do believe he sat up the rest of the course... Fat cnut he was too..
 
#18
I have shared a billet with a subaltern who has spent the entire night snoring his head off. The snoring has varied in pitch and tone through out the night resulting in no sleep for me. I'm now starting to descend into maddness due to sleep deprivation and in a couple of hours I face a route march in the pissing rain.

Ladies and Gentleman, how would you kill this c*nt?
Just kill yourself.

It's your problem for being a light sleeper. Snoring is involuntary, not a selfish act of self indulgence.

Wear ear defenders and have a drink before bedtime.

Worrying and stress are the main causes of broken sleep.
 
#19
The lad snores. He finds that a sharp dig to the ribs with a bony elbow stops it.

Then you have to do the "What? Did something wake you up?" face.

Alternatively, stab him.
 
G

goatrutar

Guest
#20
I fucking love snoring me. Especially if it winds up precious little shitbags who don't have the bollocks to say or do anything.

One smartarrse thought it would be funny to pinch my nose (bit like Drivers_Log describes above)...she found that a headbutt to the bridge of her nose, breaking it, wasn't very funny when I "came round". :)

Would you have prefered anal fingering as well?
 

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