Method of eliminatio

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by GeoffreyBarrack, Jun 16, 2012.

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  1. I have shared a billet with a subaltern who has spent the entire night snoring his head off. The snoring has varied in pitch and tone through out the night resulting in no sleep for me. I'm now starting to descend into maddness due to sleep deprivation and in a couple of hours I face a route march in the pissing rain.

    Ladies and Gentleman, how would you kill this c*nt?
  2. Man up and apply an AP boot to the twunts swede vigourously.
    Then hang yourself for being such a heemer as to put up with it all night.
  3. Give Dale his contact details, and tell her he's got a pony. The ruthless harassment will drive him to suicide in hours.
    • Like Like x 3
  4. ru
    HIgh velocity boot applied to Lt C*nts head, brief lull but soon back to snoring. Point taken about being a heemer, will pick up the mess webley later and do the decent thing.
  5. apply a chest seal and a first field dressing to his face, that'll sort it.
  6. No need to kill him, I could affect your career.

    Enlist a few of your brother officers (you do have some friends?) to help you carry his bed out through the fire door while he is asleep. Close and secure all entrances.

    It gives some respite and imparts a clear message!

    However the snorer to whom I accorded this attention eventually came off best - he secured a two-man room all to himself! (and we could still hear him through the very thin partitioning).

    Do not throw boots - you will possibly find them sent onward through a window.
  7. Or, alternatively, dig your issued ear protection out (you know, the little yellow / green plastic thingies in the matchbox-sized container??) and either

    a/ put them in your ears - they're quite handy for that, I've found - or

    b/ use the handy little cord that comes with them to garrotte him.

    Oh, and I suppose you could add in the "Boot to Swede" option if you were feeling violent!!

    Pitswamper has the finale to this episode banged to rights in his second line.
  8. Super glue nostrils and mouth closed then video the panic-stricken cunt dying horribly.
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  9. Squirt of OC spray in the open mouth should do the trick.
  10. Stand above his bed as if you're going to have a piss, shake his bed so he wakes up and spots you about to swamp on him, he'll wake up and shout at you so pretend you're sleepwalking, mumble something about "it's alright clare, susan said this is the toilet" then stumble back to your pit. The twat snoring will be petrified your going to swamp on him at some point during the night so will stay awake to make sure you dont. In the meantime you'll be able to get your head down and have a snoring free nights kip.
    • Like Like x 4
  11. Go to the end of his bed and start massaging his feet with one hand whilst knocking one out with the other. At some point he'll wake up and discover you. He'll not sleep another wink and you can drift off into sleepy la-la-land.
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  12. Teaspoon of water down their open snoring gob. They think they're being drowned and wake up flaffing and flailing mwahaha. It might not stop the snoring, but it sure as hell is fun and at least he'll be as sleep deprived as you!
  13. Finger his puckered mudbutton. Snores will be replaced with gentle moaning.
    • Like Like x 1
  14. chrisg46

    chrisg46 LE Book Reviewer

    As the survivor of numerous threats due to alleged snoring ("you say I gave a snoring problem? No Sorry, I don't have a problem at all"), I have survived boots, chairs, drop kick to the leg, threats, bribes and other assorted methods to prevent snoring in my time.
    The most effective has been a wet towel across the face...
  15. Chuck a pint of water into his face, this will wake him and you can tell him he was snorring badly. He should get the point. Tell him next time it will be piss.

    Explain to him he is a threat to battallion safety as the enemy have dectors that can hear him snorring - called ears.

    For a giggle, have some buddies carefully lift his bed off the ground and gently lower it onto four beer bottles so it just balances. As some point in the night he'll move and the bottles will fall over and his bed will crash down to the floor making a noise and feeling like an earthquake. At his point shout, "INCOMMING" and watch him panic. Later he might get dianosed as having PTSD.

    Tell him he has obstructive Sleep Apnea and needs to see the quack about gettinig put on a CPAP machine every night. This is probably true anyway, and it will definately stop his snorring. However, he'll get medically downgraded because of this and discharged. At which point you nick the machine for your own use so you can get a god night's sleep yourself.