From: Mess President To : All Members of the Mess Date : 1 NOV 03 RE: Mess X'Mass Dinner I am happy to inform you that the Mess X'mas Dinner will take place on 23 DEC 03, all to be seated by 1800 hrs. There will be a cash bar open and plenty of drinks served. We'll have a small band playing traditional carols....feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CO turns up dressed as Santa Claus! Merry X'mas to you and your family. Mess President. .......................... From: Mess President To: All Mess Members Date: 2 NOV 03 RE: Mess X'mas Dinner In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish members. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday for them which often coincides with X'Mas, though unfortunately not this year. From now on we've decided to call it our "Holiday Dinner" so as to not offend anyone. This also applies for other members who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will now be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas Carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy Now? Happy "Holidays" to you and your family. Mess President. .............................. From: Mess President To: All Mess Members Date: 3 NOV 03 RE: Holiday Dinner Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requestiing a non-drinking table.........you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Anybody? So now, just to keep everyone as happy as possible, we will provide a discreet table for our alcoholic members who do not wish to drink. Looking forward to a REEEEALY great HOLIDAY dinner! Mess President. ............................... From: Mess President To: All Mess Members Date: 4 NOV03 RE: Holiday Dinner What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that 20 DEC begins the Muslim Holy Month of Ramadam, which forbids eating and drink during daylight hours. If it is still light at 1800 hrs, perhaps the Mess can hold off serving the meal until it gets dark. Do you think that would be suitable? Meanwhile, due to other complaints, i've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit further from the sweets servery and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. We will also have booster seats for all you "short people". Low fat food will be available for those fat pigs who are on a diet, HOWEVER, (sadly) we cannot control the salt used in the food and we suggest those people with high blood pressure perform a little "taste test" first or bring extra Beta Blockers. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics as the Mess cannot supply "No sugar' desserts. So Sorry! Did I miss anything this time???? WELL?? DID I?? Mess President ........................ From: Mess President To. All Mess Members Date: 5 NOV03 RE: Holiday Dinner Bloody Vegetarians, I've had it with you people!! We're going to serve meat at this dinner whether you bloody well like it or not, so I'm arranging it so you can sit at a table furtherest from the kitchen "Room of Death" (as you so quaintly put it). You'll get your bloody salad - Yes, including your bloody pesticide free cucumbers and your organic tomatoes! BUT, you know, tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them, they scream in the night too. I've heard them scream. I can hear them screaming RIGHT NOW! I hope all of you people have a ROTTEN HOLIDAY! Drive Drunk and get caught, eat shit and die. The bloody lot of you!!! GOT IT NOW HAVE YOU???? UNDERSTAND NOW DO YOU???? HO BLOODY HO!!!! I'm coming dressed to this dinner in fancy dress, I'm going to come as a bloody mass murderer with an AK47!!!! The President from HELL!!!!!!!!! ..................................... From: Admin Officer To: All Mess Members Date: 6 NOV 03 RE: Mess President and Holiday Dinner I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing the Mess President a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your Get Well cards to him. In the meantime, the CO has decided to cancel the Holiday Dinner and give everyone the afternoon off on 23DEC03 with full pay. Admin Officer.