Featured Mental Health - Time to Talk

Discussion in 'Current Affairs, News and Analysis' started by David Powell, Jan 25, 2016.

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  1. @Yoda The Senior - your fragmented and random posts do not make sense. You need to learn to use the quote function, otherwise no-one can tell which posts you are responding to.
  2. OR - a LOGICAL link would AUTOMATICALLY link to 'reply' (like other forums).
  3. What - like I've just done here, and everyone else manages?

    I'm not sure if you are being deliberately obtuse, or genuinely can't work out which button to press. Either way, this is not the place for you to whinge about the site.
  4. I'm about done now.

    Got some 'real' days coming up ahead.

    I finally got it together to get myself together to accumulate my thoughts and grievances, and to formulate some kind of argument. I was taken seriously and treated with respect.

    I have asked for a neutral recourse and redress to my grievances. No apologies necessary, no disciplinary action called for. Just a sitting down of those that referred me to the people that caused so much damage, so every one can learn how to do things better, in the future.

    I have my ducks in a row. I don't expect much to come from it. I expect them to say no. Something about legal matters and culpability probably. That will be their mistake. I hope they make it. Well, no, I hope they don't - I'd like to put this to bed now. I just want to know what went wrong that day, that turned my life upside down, that made me unable to ever hold my hand out ever again to ask for help, from them and their kind.

    Talking of which. I've received more help and understanding, more compassion and empathy, from total strangers on this site, than I ever did from these charlatans and chancers.

    In fact, I have another target in my sights. Even more on the radar than these incompetents. I'm talking about 'Advocates'. They finished me off. When I was at my most weakest. I can forgive any transgression, but to offer your hand to help up a 'dying' man, and then withdraw that hand, in mockery, is just too much for me.

    The 'grievance industry' is a fraud. A lot of people making top pay with nice lives, just using me as fodder for their scam. It will not stand.

    So the fight moves on.

    I doubt I will get the recourse I desire. I'm just sorry I ever was so weak willed and spineless to make myself a mark for them.

    I won't use this thread to name names or air dirty laundry. I've already pushed it.

    I'm hoping they don't call my bluff. I think they will. And then I'll go.

    I don't think I will use the advocates though, because they are the ones I really want to go for now. They are the ones that pray on the most vulnerable - those with nothing left, those with no one left to help them, and then they mock them. Deplorable.

    Thanks again to those from this site that have reached out their hand to me, unsolicited, given of their time, and made a real difference in someone's life, that will be repaid, sooner or later, somewhere down the line, when this whole mess is over, to someone, somewhere.

    Arrse has good karma. Which is more than can be said for the myriad of organisations that defraud the public taxpayer, all in the name of crushing nomarks like me. You could have saved your hard-earned.

    I'd like to see these organisations wiped out, and the little money that is left over, going to proper resources.

    Mental Health needs a major rethink. It's doing more damage than good.

    But I'm not against the NHS - I'm all for it - unlike the Advocacy agencies that specialise in 'NHS Complaints' - oh yeah, of course you do - you know which way your bread is buttered.

    I'd be prepared to call a halt to all my grievances so far with the NHS - a total amnesty - just to see these people wiped out of existence (Advocates).

    Advocacy is a bigger threat to our NHS, preying on the vulnerable like me, using us as pawns in their game. And I wonder if I might have not got the wrong end of the stick.

    I don't mind losing the battle to win the war.

    My powder is dry.

    I may not do anything at all. Or I might go nuclear. I hate being played like a chump. I've had to become a politician to even begin to play in these people's gardens. And that wasn't what I wanted at this stage of life.

    Just a word to the wise.

    Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.

    Please let me know if I have spoken out of turn. I really would value your opinion on this one.

    I'm feeling very neutral these days, and open to all debate.
  5. Tommy, it seems to me that you have hit your own personal lowest point and you're starting too bounce back.
    The only way is up. You've obviously not lost the fire in your belly, and I get the impression that deep down you are a fighter who can't and won't give up.

    Good luck, what goes around, comes around and Karma as they say, can be a bitch.;)
    I hope that in a few years time you come back and read this thread, from a far better place, with a beer in hand and think
    "Yeah, all in the past, the futures thataway".

    Don't let the B'stards grind ya down.:threaten:
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Thanks a lot 'mate'. I know we aren't really 'mates', or 'muckers'. But still, it means a lot to me.

    I don't want to leave all this on a sour note. I don't want to use this thread to hijack it for my own silly little grievances. I've started, so I'll finish. Kind of thing. It only takes one PM saying "Oi!", and I'll lip it.

    I'd really like to say a bit more though, as today, I had another revelation with things.

    I talked to a 'professional'. Now, there's me with all my 'learning humility' and 'walking among the peasants' bs enlightenment crap. You know what? I'm as full of it as the next man. I looked down on these people, I looked down on the people that asked these people for help. Hypocrite I am.

    And I was truly humbled, once more. Truly humbled. By my own arrogance, by my own superiority.

    I felt really bad about posting in this thread again. I wanted to let sleeping dogs lie. But I had had quite a big day, with regard to fighting all of this, and I was 'stoked' as the Americans say.

    I had another big day today, and it drained the life out of me.

    This is nothing any more to do with my bro dying, nothing to do with facing up to the abuse that I suffered as a child (that I denied my whole life), nothing to do with the breakdown of the relationship with my very own mother, as I am about to hit the tender years of 'half-century: not out'. Nope. Something far more serious. Something that is eating away inside me like the cancer that is killing my flesh and blood.

    I don't really care about my bro dying any more. I don't really care that my mother doesn't love me any more. I don't care about anything at all. Except, the ******* bastards who are making money off me, getting a nice living off me, driving a nice ******* car, and living in a nice ******* house, with probably a nice ******* life. If I sound bitter, well, I'm not. I take great joy in others' success. I like to see a man get ahead. By his own gumption, wit or guile. By strength and guile. Go get 'em boys!

    I'm not some ******* numpty nomark who spends his days, worrying about what the other man has - what he has earned. But, and it's a big but, I am very ******* resentful when I realise I have been taken for a mug, and my ******* misery is another man's (woman's in fact) good fortune.

    I'm not talking about the NHS here. Let's drop all that for the moment. Not perfect, of course not - but not the issue here. I mentioned earlier, I could forgive all the neglect and outright abuse I've suffered at the hands of the NHS - no problem. But what is really sticking in my craw is the 'Advocacy' system.

    Not sure if you are familiar with that. In a nutshell, they specialise in making complaints AGAINST the NHS - it's their bread an butter. They claim to be impartial. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't.

    One thing is for sure, they are for the absolute dregs of society, like me. The most vulnerable people. The most broken people. Those, that have been failed by the system - they hold out a hand. ******* *****.

    They do not answer the phone. They do not return phone calls. They leave messages when they know you are not in, and outside of working hours so when you call them back, they don't answer. They stonewall, they bullshit. They are cowards. I will mention, that every single one of them is a woman as well - no men at all. Is that an important fact? It might be. Why can't I get to speak to a man? Woman can request women, can't they? Yes, they can.

    I had one 'man' to help me. He did not return phone calls, did not do anything at all in fact. I had to do everything myself, at a time when I literally thought I was dying. I lost a massive amount of weight, I became skin and bone through the stress (though I thought it was a life-changing illness). He still got paid. He still has a job. I'm his life blood. Fodder for him. ****.

    And still, we are talking months later, I still have not been able to have a phone call with the managers. They don't call back when they say they will. They call weeks later, randomly, saying: "I'm in the office all afternoon, please call back at your leisure", to cover their arrses. And I call back two minutes later. NO one home. Five minutes later - no reply. The next day, I call within office hours - they do not pick up. It's called 'gas-lighting' or mind-*******. The problem is, when you call it, they call you paranoid and get you sectioned under 'duty of care'.

    I talked about this male/female dynamic with the lady on the phone this afternoon, but pretty soon we came to some agreement. It's a small point, but I just want to note it for the greater record. If that makes me a misogynist, then we'll get into misandry for good measure. I just want someone that can relate to me, and me, them.

    I'm about to get my dole money stopped next week, so I won't be able to eat, and I will have to go to a food bank. I won't go to a food bank. I will starve. Not that I'm proud, because I'm not, but I want the end to come soon.

    The lady I talked to earlier was very understanding. I told her that I had made the decision to end my own life. That I had nothing to live for. That I had not only been failed by the very people who make a nice living pretending to help me, but that I had been failed by my family. No friends as well. Shunned by my community for being a single male. I also told her that the only reason I was talking to her, was because I was a coward. That I was trying to find the strength from somewhere to take my own life. I know this is emotive for some. Save it for another thread. I'm not interested in your viewpoint, if you had a mate who died from cancer (been there) etc. etc. - for once, this is about ME ME ME. As my Stalker said: "It's always me, me, me with you isn't it?" - she follows me around the entire internet, causing shit and poisoning the well. She's a right ****. And she got the police to nearly batter my door down as well - I've never even met the woman.


    The lady I talked to today - the professional, really helped me a lot. She told me about similar incidents, personal and anecdotal, where the mental health services pull the 'DUTY OF CARE' card. They only even use that phrase when they are ******* someone over for being a nuisance, for demanding a right.

    The practice manager I saw yesterday, used the term 'DUTY OF CARE' and I asked her: What does it mean? She could not answer. It was embarrassing. I could make a complaint against my doctors ******* up, and they think using the term DUTY OF CARE gets them off the hook - mugs.

    I don't make complaints. Ever. I keep my powder nice and dry. I'm not petty, not paranoid, not narcissistic or precious. Just silly old little me. Crushed, absolutely ******* crushed. Yet, no history of psychosis, ever. Not that that is a proud badge. For those that have had to deal with psychosis, temporary or not, my heart goes out to you. That can only be another thing for them to beat you with. You are not lesser in my eyes. I just want to make that clear, but remember, we are talking about me me me, right?

    I've asked for a sit-down - to help them improve their services. No calls for disciplinary action, no apologies or shit-eating necessary. Just a heads up and a FYI. Win/win right?

    Uh. They won't take it. It will be: "So make a complaint you mug - none of us lose our jobs - we get to do what the **** we want and **** you". But at least I offered them the carpet of Gold, along with the carpet of bombs.

    If they refuse me this amnesty, I will set up a website, detailing my experience. I will name names. I will do it all within the letter of the law. I will use SEO, so that any time anyone searches for them or their organisation, my website with my grievances will come up first. I will research deeper, analysing the structure of their organisation, utilising FOI requests. And I will protest. I will take it to the letter of the law, even possibly martyring myself and actually going to prison, if I think I can make a big enough strike. There will be no physical harm, but that counts for little, when you live in a country that jails people for hurting someone's ******* feelings. I'm prepared to hurt feelings, and prepared to take the consequences of my actions.

    I told the practice manager: I am taking responsibility for my life, for all the bad decisions I have made. Every word and every action I make has consequences, and I take full responsibility for that. All I am asking, is that those that earn a living, that get a nice life from dealing with the dregs such as me, take responsibility as well. Is that too much to ask?

    I know how it goes.

    The lady on the phone from the professional organisation who helped me so much, had her own tale to tell. It might even be that that was her raison d'etre for doing the difficult job she does, in the first place. Good! Good for her. If she helps people, and if she gets to work out stuff in her life as well - bully for her! She told me some shocking things all to do with DUTY OF CARE. It humbled me further. It seems like the mental health services and their 'piggies in the middle' (no insult intended) - the police, use it as a 'get out of jail' card for when they **** up. And boy, do they **** up. Just like my doctor's surgery. DUTY OF CARE.

    You have no ******* DUTY OF CARE. You do not give a shit - you pull that card when you mess up to cover your own arrses. You don't even know what it means, as demonstrated (or not as the case may be), by a practice manager of a surgery serving 3000 people. Joke.

    And it is used when people demand to be taken seriously. It is used when people ask for help. It is used when people become a nuisance. In their eyes.

    The mental health services have too much power. They will sic the Police on you for a perceived slight.

    Understand this.

    These words aren't meant as an insult or blow to those in power. That would be foolish. But still, I'm sure I got my card marked once again.

    These words aren't to make up for petty grievances on my part - a nomark who takes full responsibility for his very poor life decisions (it wasn't just bad family).

    These words aren't meant to stop you from seeking help, from those that might genuinely be able to help you.

    These words are just meant as a general caution, to know what you are dealing with. These people have power. They have the power to **** up your life if they don't like the look of you. They can destroy you. Legally, all through a DUTY OF CARE.

    The lady on the phone told me some right horror stories. Don't deal with these people. Sort it out yourself. Dig deep. Call up old friends. Eat humble pie, rekindle old relationships. Anything, but don't give these ******* the power over your life.

    I've never heard of one single person coming out better than when they went in to the system. Sort it out yourself. You can do it.

    This lady also told me something else profound: "Let it go, drop it, it will eat you like cancer otherwise". The conspiracy theorists among you will say: Well she would say that, wouldn't she?
    Maybe so. But she had a point.

    It's interesting with the Advocates though. They are openly mocking me. They have extreme power, and they like to show it. They get a kick out of it.

    I'm having the piss ripped, left, right and ******* centre. This post is for those of you going through this shit too. You are not alone.

    I won't win this fight. It's a battle that will only diminish me. But then again, I'm up for it. Any damage I can do (legally and morally) I will inflict with no mercy. It's my life now. I live for nothing else. My brother can **** off and die, with the rest of my family, but this fight will go on.

    I'm a man with no hope. Nothing to live for. Nothing to lose. Back against the wall. Yet they still mock me. So confident are they in the system that props them up.

    The Terror!

    I'll let you know when they **** me off in a few days time (I've given no time frame - just do it when you can), and then I'll let you know what I intend to do about it.


    I'm aware that I am exposing myself, coming across as a bit of a mad man. Well, a sad case anyway. So be it.

    I'm not looking for specific people to lose their jobs, or be punished in any way. I'm looking for whole organisations to be totally taken out.

    There will always be a need for mental health services. They are necessary to protect greater society as a whole from those that are criminally insane and a very real threat to others. But that is all they do anyway at the moment. They aren't for people who are 'just feeling a bit down about life', like me.

    I'd need to start stabbing random strangers on the street to be taken seriously. Something I will never do. No matter what. So I suffer in silence, and post crap on arrse.

    The therapists need to be closed down. I'm going to lobby for that. It's an unnecessary expenditure. I'm sure my MP will be glad to see my detailed report, explaining why this must be so.

    It's a brutal world, only made more so by DUTY OF CARE. We need to stop DUTY OF CARE. Right ******* now, and the ***** that enforce it.

    No one cares about you bro/sis.

    You are on your own. If you make the right judgement call, you can always hit up people like me, via PM and I will help you, guide you, if I can. If you are really lucky, you will get others contacting you via PM, to help and guide you. But it only ever goes so far. You need to do the work yourself.

    Let this not be a missive against the higher powers that will be petty and destroy you at the drop of a hat, all in the name of DUTY OF CARE.

    Look out for yourself. Learn who your friends are. Take a chance, now and again.

    I might come across as fucked up (and I obviously am), but if you are more fucked up than me, by all means, send me a PM, and I will do everything in my power to help you out.

    If you are at the lowest ebb in your life, and you can't help yourself, don't ask for help from an Advocate. Find a quiet place to die, in the corner. Keep your ******* dignity, man. I wish I had not abdicated mine. It's the last thing you have left, and the very thing they want to take from you. Die on your feet!

    These words may seem dangerous to some. Use with caution. It's real talk.

    I just wish someone had said this to me, before I sunk myself before these ******* parasites that get a nice life through my misery. Dignity, self-reliance, stoicism. All good.

    Sort it out yourself, or phone a friend!

    [No disrespect to the people on the front-line that do great work in the field - you do exist, I know - but this whole gig is a scam, and it damages people, as I'm sure you know, as you pick up the pieces. This is just one sad bastard's perspective, and it shouldn't be taken as more than that.]
  7. It's a really long post and it's not easy to reply to all on my phone.
    Do you have any friends or family that can at least feed you? Don't be afraid to ask them.
    If there's a food bank for Gods sake use it, churches often provide meals and Salvation Army. Ask the council they'll know where and when.
    Are you involved with any forces charities, if not ask them for help.
    Don't give up hope, feeling low doesn't last forever. Keep plodding on day by day, don't think too far ahead just yet.
    Don't fester on what can't be changed, deal with your basic necessities.
    • Like Like x 3
  8. Oh, don't worry, I won't starve. I might not even get my money stopped. I'm just worried, that's all.

    Everything seems so amplified at this stage. So much to deal with.

    It's more the intrusion.

    It took a very long time for them to agree to a home visit for me. They run rings around my doctor's surgery. They did not overtly slag them off, but they gave a sly little look when Atos was mentioned. I bought the ladies a bunch of flowers, and they were over the moon. And this is at the same time they were playing hardball over my prescriptions. No grudges held at all. They really are a fantastic bunch. I'm very lucky to have them.

    From what I understand with the DWP back to work assessments, they tend to just blanket stop all payments, regardless of people having cancer, being unable to walk, but they also tend to restore payments, after appeal.

    The problem is, the Advocates aren't able to say they will be able to provide me with someone, even giving them a week's notice. So I just have to assume they will not. I'm on my own. Family is not allowed for obvious reasons.

    I'll go to a food bank if I have to. But I doubt I will be able to. Only just getting back into eating again after losing so much weight. The whole brother dying thing is an inconvenience, ditto the abandonment from my mother. It's time to die. That's the whole point. They want you to commit suicide. They push you towards it. I won't though. I may lose some weight. I will find a way.

    I have to say though, the Dorset Advocacy people are an absolute fraud. I wouldn't mind them not helping me, but to leave messages on my answerphone, openly mocking me, well...

    My brother doesn't have long left I don't think. His water is now brown. My so called parents are cracking up, and dealing with it by going commando for Jezza Corbynista. It's a strange time.

    But I won't starve. I'll come out the other side, somehow.

    My basic needs are cared for. My bills are paid. I have some stuff I could sell. But I would never do that. I would give them away to certain friends. Then starve. I don't care. I got anorexia a little while back - to do with the Dorset Advocacy in fact. It is very easy. After a few days, you don't want to eat any more, then you can not eat any more. You just waste away, bit by bit. I'm OK with that.

    I didn't need this shit on top of all the other stuff in my life. My doctor's have been great, but it's out of their hands. This is a drive to push the most vulnerable in society towards suicide, and I may still do that.

    I don't owe anyone any money. All bills paid.

    Let's see what the next weeks hold eh?

    I'm expecting my brother to die soon, as I haven't spoken to him in a long time, and it looks like the chemo has done his liver in.

    I'm free-falling, just floating. I'll hit the ground pretty soon I expect.

    But yeah, it's funny, after all the years I spent on all the music and producer forums, all for it to go silent, and the only help I got, from anyone at all, was on websites like this. In fact, just this website, to narrow it down.

    I'm pretty sure I will come out the other side, and be better for it.

    When I do, it will be time to give back, in whatever way I can. Wiping arrses with dignity, it's all good to me. Metaphorically speaking, but also literally as well.

    My family won't let me starve if nothing else. If it comes down to it.

    But what an absolute shit-eater it will be if I have to hold out my hand again to the advocates, for them to appeal the decision. They have a very high success rate, and they know that - they are playing from a position of power. The NHS complaints thing is just something they do in parallel.

    The power they have is crazy. But they are not mine or your friend. They already hung me out to dry, and they still are champing at the bit for me to make the complaints I have against the NHS.

    I think I might just leave it all drop, and let it all go.

    For all my grievances against the NHS, any complaint I make will only weaken them. I'm not sure I want to do that.

    I want blood though from the advocates. They have an office - I might even go down there and protest.

    The Advocates are the ultimate 'bottom feeders' - it's an easy gig, and when they mess up, they get cocky, abusive even. I will never forget the mockery that they left on my answer phone.

    They are the last line of defence against the Atos DWP back to work *******. I understand that many take the piss. I'm not one of them.

    My family won't give me emotional nourishment, but they won't let me starve either. I will always have the option to be alive, to be tortured by my lack of personal warmth, to stew in my own shit - they won't ever deny me that.

    Please don't see this post as self-pity. Believe me, I'm way beyond that.

    Lots of people out there, facing much much worse.

    It's not about me, me, me, at the end of the day.

    I'd like to see the whole Advocacy thing wiped out. Everyone out of a job. The amount of ill will they have from me, is way beyond anything the dangerous incompetents in the NHS could muster.

    But I'm just fantasising. The advocates will prey on. They will take the weakest and the most vulnerable in society and feed on them, like the parasites they are. They will attack them via DUTY OF CARE when they complain.

    You can not beat them. Just let this be a lesson, in those to avoid.

    Way too long a post, as usual...
  9. Bit of advice. take it or leave it, tell me to feck off if you want, no probs.

    Concentrate on YOU, sod everyone else, be selfish, look after Number 1 because no bugger else will.
    The whole NHS / Advocacy thing, let it go, it's eating at you like a Cancer, you've even said that yourself.
    To me, this appears to be the thing that is dragging you down the most tbh.

    Wipe the slate clean, start again. As @jarrod248 has said, take things a day at a time, feeling low won't last forever.
    Food wise, take a leaf out of @Kirkz book and skip dive, you'll eat like a King. Failing that Sally Army or local churches / food banks.

    And you keep saying "Way too long a post as usual", honestly , Bollocks, you post what you want no matter how long winded it is. I think you realise there's a few of us awake during the wee small hours who read what you put up on here, maybe it's your way of venting and getting stuff off your chest.
    Personally what I want is for you to go back over this thread once your through this episode in life and think

    "Feckers didn't beat me, didn't break me no matter how hard they tried".
    Good luck Tommy.
    • Like Like x 3

  10. Everything you said is true. On every level. No arguments here. You're right.

    I just keep getting the goal posts moved.

    This is a battle I want to win. But I know I won't.

    I felt emboldened the other day by someone that helped me on a deep level. A good listener. So, I went back to the fight. Big mistake. It messed me up again.

    It's not a fight I can win, or anyone can win. And I'll tell you why.

    You are coming up against the full force of the system. They close ranks. I understand why the Police or other organisations do this, but to realise the medical profession do this, when it means crushing and destroying individuals who are practically begging them for help, is hard for the average individual to swallow.

    I just want to dispel that myth first.

    There is no crisis in men not being able to ask for help. Men ask for help. They are not heard. When they make themselves heard, they are ostracised. I'm talking about the general NHS here, not any specialist facilities that the services might be privy to.

    I got blind-sided the other day again. I did not realise the proxies put in place by my medical practice. They are pretty clever. They run rings around people like me, who are on the spectrum to start with. They make no allowance for that by the way. Always treating me like a normal person. When it suits them. I'm not really normal, as you may have noticed.

    They now have a new practice manager again. A practice manager that could not, for the life of her, explain to me what 'DUTY OF CARE' meant. She made a fool of herself. She should know this.

    Then, when I expected a call back from her, I got a call from my Doctor. The practice manager is a come and go stooge - a buffer - she is on the sharp end of it to deal with idiots like me. Doh.

    Why the call from the Doctor? I explicitly stated: NO - DO NOT GET THE DOCTOR TO CALL ME - THIS IS NOT A MEDICAL MATTER.. Yet, again, they over-rode my explicit request. That was what blind-sided me until I learned about their command structure.

    The Doctor is question is the one that owns the surgery with her other doctors. She has the vested interest. It was NOT the practice manager who was fobbing me off. It was the Doctor, sacrificing her practice manager. What cowardice. I have the utmost respect for that woman who was out of her depth, playing proxy to the Doctor's shenanigans. Low trick.

    Again, they will not take calls when you phone up. There is a reason for this, and it is very simple: They do not want you ON THE BOIL - ALL ******* GUNS BLAZING READY TO DO WAR. No, they call you back when they say they won't. They never ever under any circumstances call you back when they say they will. They unbalance you. They know the game, and now, so do I. I have taken years out of my life to learn it.

    They think they will fobb me off with a ten minute phone call, because, eh, you always have more respect for a doctor that might make a slight mistake with your suspected cancer systems - a practice manager is an impartial observer, right?

    I made a non-complaint against this very doctor before. She is a major share-holder in her practice. She told me, and I quote: "You just won't help yourself will you?". This is after I explained to her, that I had been verbally abused by the CPN, after telling him: I have not washed for a year. His reply: Some people are just dirty. Those that know me will find some consistency with these accusations.

    All I asked for was a 'sit-down' - a non-partial, no need for disciplinary action pow-wow about how deeply the police being called to my house and nearly battering my door down, and my neighbours' doors down as well, has affected me.

    I had a spontaneous remission when I found out my bro was dying. And they forced me in to a full on nervous breakdown, where I became anorexic and nearly died because I was unable to eat.

    No one will take responsibility.

    I am now going to change my doctor.

    I have a meeting with the ATOS doctor in a few days. I do not have an advocate to by my witness. They are coming to my home. That took years to sort out.

    The advocates have been verbally abusive to me on the phone. They record all phone calls, so that can be proven later. I now am going to make all complaints in letter form, if they are going to make me do it. They will have to reply in letter form. No email. This right will be taken away in a bit, and I want to make use of it, while it is still there. It is my right. My forefathers died for this country, they landed on the beaches of Normandy and were mentioned in Dispatches. They didn't do that so some fat **** could get rich off the misfortune of me.

    The advocates gave a strict 7 day time span, to tell me whether they could provide an advocate or not. That will be an hour or two before I meet the ATOS 'doctor' who is coming in to my personal home. He will have a shock, in the sense that he will see what he is really dealing with. It's a total shit-hole. I would not let anyone come through the door for sheer embarrassment. There ya go.

    All the time, I talked to my mum a bit earlier, who did not want to talk to me. She had just come out of the bath, and I called at a bad time. I have not spoken to my dying brother in months. He is dead to me now. The grief over this will have to come later. My so called step-father is dead to me now, along with my real father. I hope for his death soon, though I will do anything to help him should he ask, or any family ask. My mum accused me of 'going off on one' when I told her the situation I told you. She has prejudice. She thinks I'm a prick. She is hedging her bets.

    Her favourite son will soon dye. Her gravely ill husband will soon die. I am all she has left. The only thing in this world she can lash out at and feel potent by hurting. I'm her whipping boy. She wants to **** me off, but can't, because I'm probably all she will have left in a few months time.

    This cancer of my brother has torn this family apart. And it will not survive. It's not anyone's fault. NO one can help. Way it is.

    I feel sheer ******* hatred towards every member of my family (including my bro, who is really suffering bad). My father (true father) has deserted him as well. Way to go big fella - I suppose all those years keeping things ship shape have done you well.

    In short, my life has come to an end. I have nothing left now. All family gone. All friends deserted. All support from all authorities willfully ******* malicious and mind-fcuking me.

    Just glad I figured out the proxy game with my doctor's surgery. **** that.

    No one will lose their job. No one will sit down to improve their services. This was a genuine request from me - heartfelt. But no. They have power. I'm a little man. A crushed man. A nothing. A nobody.

    I have to stress for the record, and the good thing about all phone calls being recorded these days (though I despise that totalitarian shit), is that I have never been anything less than polite to all concerned that I deal with . First, it is my nature, second, I'm not a mug.

    I am not suicidal anymore. I have never been, nor ever will, be a threat to anyone else, as my life-time record will attest. I don't have a criminal record.

    It's a war of attrition, and it's broken me down, a lot. But I really can't stop now. I have put too much in. I have been pushed too far. It is a cancer, and I hope it kills me. But this is now my fight - mein kampf!

    I hope they will stop my dole money after my ATOS appointment. I will not go on hunger strike, I will just not be able to buy food anymore. I will give away all my guitars and keyboards to a few old friends. I will wither away and die. And I'm okay with that. My internet connection will be cut off before any salacious disturbing details can unfold.

    I only ever wanted to wipe your arsed, and your parents arses, with dignity. To teach your children how to program a computer, to give them music lessons, to teach anti-smoking and anti-drug lessons (yes, I have thought about this and have the lessons ready to go, in a manner they can understand). To minister to the sick and the elderly. To be there, at end of life, to provide comfort, in a non-patronising way. To genuinely be interested in those that have no one. Such is the way of the Boddhisatva. Such is my Boddichita.

    But the social contract has been broken.

    Everything has been broken.

    Having said that, I will still try to find a way to carry on. But it's not going to hold on for much longer. I have already almost lost the feelings in my toes from peripheral neuropathy. When it gets bad, I have methods in place. No harm to anyone else.

    My back has never been harder to the wall, I've never had less to lose.

    And still, I tell them this, and they just want to head-**** me. *****.

    Roll on my dole money being stopped, and my starvation will start. NO hunger strike by the way, so no intervention - just the decision of the state.

    I am going to be asking my 'parents' to take me out of their will as well, when I meet in a few days time for some real talk with them. If they could not help me out when I was homeless, and they were alive, they can shove their pounds and gold up their arse when they are gone.

    I only ever asked for a kind word - something more than a word actually - an action. But all I ever got was words.

    I did not have the brass bollocks to kill myself. I never will. So I decided tonight to do it slowly, to finally give in. If things come good for me, I'll make them good. If I get my money stopped, I will starve.

    It's very easy. After the first few days, it is impossible to eat anymore. That is the state I got into when I asked the advocates for help, to make a complaint against the Steps To Wellbeing people that humiliated me with the Police. No hard feelings against the Police, still.

    My brother is going to die soon, and I will join him.

    I'm not going to beg.

    And even though I may become a martyr, I will never ever take anyone along with me. I'm not a ****. This is between me and the god I don't believe in.

    Feel free to delete this post as well. I'm just ranting at the wall.

    Remember, no matter how bad it gets, it's between you and your maker. You never ever take anyone else out as well. Only the lowest of ***** do that. And that includes the people that fucked you over. They have to live with themselves - it's not your decision to make.

    I'm not going to edit this. Sorry. The last few posts from me have been so pathetic, I'll just let it stand.

    All the best.
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  11. What if you stepped away from all this drama and stress, there must be a favorite place with happy memories for you, the coast, the countryside, the woods ? Where would you go ?

    What would happen if you let all these thoughts go, and chose not to get involved with the stress that is bringing you down ?
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  12. Just an update on current affairs.
    The NHS Veterans teams were put out to tender by HM Govt. We are at this point waiting for the results of that tender process. (i.e whether I will have a job or not)
    As soon a I find out I will update, (It was due yesterday)
    we will find out whether the Charity sector or private sector take the contracts or indeed it stays with the NHS.
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  13. Interestingly, a family member is under the local mental health team. Diagnosed with PTSD,anxiety disorder and traits of borderline personality disorder at the moment. He is getting a huge amount of support. .The PTSD was from sexual abuse {by two males outside the family}, horrendous bullying at school. and he later got sexually assaulted again in his early twenties . How all that can happen to one poor bastard I don't know. Sadly, he did pass the potential officers course for RM, but failed AIB due to his understandable lack of confidence,before he became unwell. He was misdiagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia ,which caused him to be left in limbo for years. After a serious suicide attempt at beachy head last xmas , he was again under the mental health team {different psychiatrist } and he was rediagosed with the above, at beachy head he told the coppers about the abuse,no one had any idea . His mum and dad cannot speak highly enough of the team supporting him especially his social worker and psychologist . They are going to do something called 'graded exposure therapy', and are taking him to towns all over the local area as by the end he completely isolated himself.
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  14. Anyone heard from @Tommy_Sun since he last posted. Any MOD types able to check when he last logged on at all?