Men fight back!

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by Slates, May 26, 2006.

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  1. Working in an office i am constantly subjected to rediculous chain mail from the ladies in different departments slagging down blokes, i would like to dedicate this thread to the blokes fighting back, come on fellow Arrse's lets unite against the female tyrant! please add more so i can settle some old scores

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

    Why do men fart more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told.

    I married a Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called a Wedding Cake.

    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

    Disclaimer: i am in no way sexist, just fed up of anti bloke stuff

    Edited due to total spaffheadedness!!
  2. Nice one. Just been copied onto another forum I,m on which unfortunatly is infested with the female mafia. That,ll wind em up. I,ve already lost two of my three lives. So if this generates into the slagging match I hope it will I,ll only be one life from being banned !!!! Fantastic !!!

  3. Let me know how that one turns out
  4. What was the smartest thing to come out of a womans mouth?

    My c_ock
  5. PMSL :lol:
  6. Try these beauties!

    1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.

    2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.

    3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.

    4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

    5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

    6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.

    7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.

    8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.

    9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.

    10.What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.

    11.What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.

    12.Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

    13.How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls

    15.What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.

    16.How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

    17.What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

    18.What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

    Had to drop one out (14). Bloke bashing!!!!
  7. Few belters for you:

    What do you call 6 naked women lying on top of each other?
    A block of flaps

    What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
    Nothing, it's been explained twice ;)

    I also share an office with gushy-'passthisto1800peoplein5secondsforeternaldosesofeostrogen-emailing b*tches; this is helpful ammo indeed.
  8. Next time you're in ASDA, Tesco, etc with your woeman (whose taking her own sweet fcuking time!!!)

    Try these.

    1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

    2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

    4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,"Code3" in housewares...and see what happens.

    5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

    6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

    8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

    9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

    10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

    11. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

    14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

    15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There is no toilet paper in here!"

    Sure to get up their noses and you never go shopping again. Bonus.
  9. In retaliation..

    Q; Whats the fastest way to a blokes heart?
    A; Throught the chest with a sharp implement

    Q; What do you call a bloke with an IQ of five?
    A; Gifted

    Q; What does it mean when your blokes in bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
    A; You aren't holding the pillow down hard enough

    Q; Why are blokes like adverts?
    A; You can't believe a word they say

    Q; Why did the bloke cross the road?
    A; God knows, why do they bother doing anything?

    Q How can a bloke tell if a woman has had a mind blowing orgasm?
    A; When her vibrator stops buzzing

    A christmas tree is better than a bloke because;

    A christmas tree is always erect
    Even small ones give satisfaction
    A christmas tree always looks good, even with the lights on
    A chrismas tree has cute balls
    You can throw a christmas tree out when it starts to look scruffy
    You dont have to put up with a christmas tree all year.

    :lol: :lol: :lol:
  10. Sometimes three, maybe two, but there is always F@#$*£G one!, this is our chance to shine so please kindly pipe down bumps 8O
  11. You always get one fcuker, don't you!!

    The usual. Open mouth then engage brain!!!
  12. Groucho Marks said: A woman is only a Woman, but a Cigar is a fcuking good smoke.

    Wise man!!!

  13. Ok then, you, me, whipped cream and handcuffs, any questions? :?
  14. And after a little sucking, like a bloke its also gone. :lol: