"Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by rgjbloke, Apr 4, 2010.

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  1. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"

    I found this on another site. I hope it's not a repost.


    "Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" school of thought, offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

    The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each student will pair off with the person to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

    The following was actually turned in by Rebecca and Gary, two of his English students:

    THE STORY:
    (first paragraph by Rebecca)
    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

    (second paragraph by Gary)
    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

    (Rebecca)
    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and are free, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

    (Gary )
    Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

    (Rebecca)
    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

    (Gary)
    Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

    (Rebecca)
    *******

    (Gary)
    Bitch

    (Rebecca)
    F***K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

    (TEACHER)
    A+ for both of you; I really liked this one."
     
    • Bullshit Bullshit x 1
  2. Guns

    Guns LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. The Royal Navy

    The Physics of Hell
    29-V-2000
    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

    "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

    Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not Belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze." the student received the only "A" given.
     
  3. FFS will you get a life
     
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Guns

    Guns LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. The Royal Navy

    No.
     
  5. For sex, I really wish I was gay. For love I am glad to be heterosexual.
     
  6. As any fule no, Men are from Mars, women are from Hell.
     
  7. Men are from Earth, women are psychotic aliens.
     
  8. I found the first two posts quite funny but coming from someone who appears to spend 90% of his time on arrse, you win hands down!
     
  9. I read the book Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars (or whatever it's called) a few years ago. Tedious rubbish. It's ok for about 2 or 3 chapters but then it repeats ad nauseam.
     
  10. Guys - I can recommend it as a great way to meet women! I read it a long time ago when I was still in London, usually on the Tube, and about half a dozen women actually struck up conversations with me.
     
  11. udipur

    udipur LE Book Reviewer

    It's great advice from an author who went through three divorces so although he might have understood women, he sure as hell couldn't maintain a relationship with one.