Men — does size matter?

Our guest columnist gets to grips with the big question

by Miranda S Givings

Does the size of your knob really matter? This is the age-old question that has haunted men, adolescent boys, shemales and a few jealous girls for what seems like centuries. What's even more frustrating is that there has been no definitive answer until now...

OK, so the doctor told you five inches is quite normal. Was he lying? Maybe your girlfriend said six inches was more than she could handle. Was she too telling porkies? Or perhaps you've been in the sack with one of those sensitive, politically-correct girls who insisted that right size depends on preference and compatibility. You know — the ones who claim that being attentive to their sexual and emotional needs is far more important than being hung like a donkey with elephantiasis of the schlong.

Well, we're going to set you straight. We conducted an exhaustive and exhausting hands-on survey to settle this question once and for all. Here are the shocking results:

Amy, 32, told our researchers: "I should at least be able to feel some kind of penetration. Either the ruler he's using has shrunk even more than his dick or he was too busy playing with himself when he should have been learning how many inches there are in a foot. If he's eight inches then my Nissan Micra is a bloody BMW!

Carol, 27, reported how good it felt having sex with a man who — although he complained he was too small — was still able to "mostly fill my box with his tool". As she explained: "Even though ten inches didn't make him the largest partner I'd ever had, we still occasionally had great sex."

Sophie, 17, told us about Jim: "He won't have sex with me because he's afraid he won't be able to satisfy me. He says he remembers showering at school and wondering if his mates were really well-hung or he had a prick the size of ferret's. He always felt smaller than most guys. Last week I caught him with one of those vacuum pumps and made him measure it after he'd finished blowing himself up. It was still only eight inches! In the end I took pity on him and we did it doggy fashion while my Mum went out to buy some viagra."

Eric, 21, told a similar, depressing tale: "Lesley was the first chick I ever had full sex with and we lost our virginities together. We had sex a lot and I thought everything was fine until we broke up and I moved onto my second sexual partner, Cyndi. The first time we had sex she said she couldn't feel anything and asked me if I was even inside. I nearly died of embarrassment and I haven't had a single shag since." We asked Cyndi how big Eric's inadequate appendage was and she reckoned around six-and-a-half inches. Enough said?

Marjorie, 43, sobbed: "When I first married, my husband's member was just sufficient to generate a pleasing amount of friction inside my vagina. However, every time I had a child, his penis shrank. Finally, after the triplets, his cock had virtually disappeared. Nobody told me about that. I haven't had an orgasm in thirteen years."

Marianne, 36, told us: "I recently started a relationship with a man I had just met but felt pain each time when we tried to have intercourse. As a result, we had to stop immediately. What's wrong with me?" A quick deployment of the tape measure showed the gentleman's todger to be 14 inches and we advised Marianne that perhaps she was not cut out to work in the hardcore porn industry.

Gino, 26, confessed: "I have not had sex in six months because my member is so large that I split my last girlfriend in half with it. Of course, all of my friends have equally large penises, which is why they have not had sex in years, either."

So there you have it. Six inches is NOT normal, guys. EIGHT is the bare minimum required to satisfy the modern female, TEN is essential to stand any chance of provoking an orgasm and you will need a good FOOT of spam javelin to prove a real hit with the ladies.

Accordingly, we advise that you get straight on the penis-enlarging pumps, potions and pills. Today's email inboxes are jam packed full of exciting offers absolutely guaranteed to turn you overnight from cocktail sausage to love stallion. Go to it.

Some names have been changed to protect the inadequately-endowed.

Rockall Times
justin andnomore ????
Six Inches not enough.... ? I thought some girls liked it that wide....

if i knew i was playing in the "albert hall" i would have brought a bigger instrument !!!!
Weathergirl: "So Trevor, where's that eight inches you promised me last night? Oh, hell! Are we still on air?"

Becky Mantin - BBC weathergirl, the day after it was supposed to snow and didn't, to newsreader, Trevor McDonald
Female - Who are you going to satsify with that tiny thing ????

Male - ME !!!!
Copyright Alexei Sayle (I think)

I'm like most men... I wish I had a 12 inch c0ck..............instead of this fcuking massive thing I have here.
Have they got inches and centimetres mixed up?
the_guru said:
Copyright Alexei Sayle (I think)

I'm like most men... I wish I had a 12 inch c0ck..............instead of this fcuking massive thing I have here.
chubby brown :?: :?: :?: :?:
personally i think the size of the vagina is more improtant than the pork-sword, i like big fat juicy buckets :)

does to her
If women could keep the size of their clams in check, penis size would never have become an issue. I blame it on all these Carribean lads, they've stretch our birds beyond all recognition ;-)

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